As the tears flow freely from my eyes, I turn my head away from her so she won’t see them. Our fingers tighten against one another, and effortlessly, she sends waves of warmth through me, and touches my soul.
I’m still angry at Penny for the choice she made, for not fighting harder, and then I become angry with myself because how do I know she didn’t fight? I’m still sad, and wish I could have held her one last time and told her everything would be okay. Yet Jules makes it a little easier to forgive, to not fear the sad memories, and to not allow the angry feelings to overtake me.
The snow picks up and floats down on our faces, painting us with its beauty before it melts away. I part my lips to taste it, the wetness of the night gracing us in the moment. It’s therapeutic, this moment. It’s real, and it’s very much needed after all of these years of never speaking about it. If anyone should be paying anyone, I’m pretty sure I owe Jules a check.
My heart beats a slower rhythm, and it’s easier to breathe. It’s beautiful, this made-up relationship.
Before we stand to move toward the house to dry off, I look up to the sky one last time to see a few stars shining in my direction. Perhaps the stars in the sky are loved ones letting us know they are nearby, guiding us through the night.
Merry Christmas, Penny.
Soaking wet, we make our way to the bedroom, leaving puddles of water trailing through the cabin. I can’t stop thinking about what Kayden shared with me, of how he opened up to me. If we could make believe forever, I know I would never tire of the sound of his voice and the stories he tells. He’s intriguing and intense, but he’s equally just as humorous and sweet.
I would never have imagined that the tattoo on his chest had such meaning associated with it. When he opened up to me, I saw it, the cracks inside of him. The hurt. I feel honored and immensely grateful that he allowed me to enter his private world.
Grabbing a pair of black sweatpants and an oversized t-shirt, I head to the bathroom to change while he changes in the bedroom. Sliding out of the wet clothes, I toss them into the tub, a problem I will deal with at a later time. Staring into the mirror, I study my wild hair and the eyeliner that is awkwardly spread across my face. In the past I would have cared about guys seeing me look like a hot mess, but with Kayden I don’t care at all.
It feels good to not care.
Then I realize I do care—a little at least. As I leave the bathroom, I kind of hope that Kayden wants me. Okay, that’s a lie. I need Kayden to want me, because I want him so bad. I miss his taste. I crave his touch. I can’t help it—he’s everything I’ve always wanted and nothing I’ve ever had. Pulling my hair together, I toss it into a high ponytail, and I wipe all of the make-up off my face. Holding my hand in front of my face, I do a breath check, blowing into my palm. Holy crap! I have monkey ass breath. I am heavily suffering from morning breath with a mix of pancake breath, and a dose of what-the-freaking-hell-is-that breath. Gross face. Reaching into my duffle bag, I pull out my zipped up toothbrush and paste and prepare to kill mega things that decided to live—or die—within my mouth.
After disinfecting myself from head to toe, I open the door and see Kayden standing there in a white Henley shirt and a pair of grey sweatpants. The way the shirt hangs from his body and the sweats fall against his hips makes my lady parts want to follow him until he allows me to taste every single part of him.
“Can I tell you something without it being weird?” he asks, rubbing his hand against his jawline. What a perfect jawline it is.
“No. Please make it weird. I like weird. I love weird.” He crosses his arms and smirks, and I am almost certain that my heart has never loved the idea of making someone grin more in all its life. If I could, I would make it a daily routine to make those lips curve up in pleasure.
“I lust you, Jules. I lust you so hard right now. It’s almost impossible for me to be around you and remember that this is all an act. I just, I haven’t felt…” His shoulders shrug up and he bites the bottom corner of his lip. “I haven’t felt anything in such a long time. I avoid my feelings like the plague. I sleep with random girls to forget about emotions, to get lost in the act of sex, to make those kinds of moments lose their true meaning. I haven’t made love in years, but after meeting you, I want you to know that I may consider it someday in the future. I may consider falling in love again, because I like the way I feel when I’m with you.