“Kylie? Kylie, are you listening?”
“Sorry Doctor Emma. I must have zoned out for a second. Could you repeat that?”
“Kylie, today we’re discussing the impact sports have had in our lives. I’m wondering if there’s anything you would like to share with us on the topic?” Doctor Emma asked, her hazel eyes earnestly looking at me, hoping against all hope that today would be the day I would spill, that today I would reveal all of my secrets and start to heal.
I wasn’t going to. I had come in here planning on giving my usual excuse as to why I didn’t want to participate in the discussion. But I looked around and saw Daniel’s face expectantly looking at mine, and something made me tell a story. For the first time in the months that I had been here, for the first time after coming here twice a week and making up reasons as to why I didn’t want to share, I spoke. After all, sports had nothing to do with the history of my life. Sure, I played some as a kid, but it had nothing to do with my life now, and it certainly wasn’t going to help me heal. I figured I could tell one little story. I couldn’t remember the last time I had actually done something like this, actually tried to impress a man. I couldn’t deny that was why I did it. I was trying to impress this Daniel guy, and I had no idea why.
“I didn’t play a lot of organized sports when I was little, but I would play soccer with my friends at recess or after school, and I rode my bike along the road a lot. There was another girl in my class though, Kirsten Gill, who played every sport imaginable. One day she came to class with her leg in a cast. She had broken it that weekend skiing, and she got so much attention I was unexplainably jealous. I have no idea what got into me, I had never been jealous like that before.”
I paused and smiled to myself slightly at the silliness of what I was about to admit.
“That afternoon,” I continued, “I took my bike out onto the road and decided to pedal as fast as I could and jump off, in the hopes that I would also break something, and that I would get as much attention as Kirsten did. I went all the way down the hill at the end of the street as fast as I could, then lost control and went tumbling to the ground. When I got up, there were blood and scrapes all over me. My entire body stung, and I cried the whole walk back to the house. The only good thing was I looked so awful I was certain I was going to get at least as much attention as Kirsten did, even though I didn’t have a cast. Well, my mom made me stay home from school for a week while I recovered, so no one ever even got to see my injuries. I cried every single day from a combination of the pain and the sadness at not getting to have everyone fawn over me. It’s so silly when I think about it now, I can’t even imagine why I would have thought it was a good idea, but there you go.”
“Thank you for sharing, Kylie” Doctor Emma told me. If she was pleased or surprised at my sharing, she didn’t show it at all. I looked around. Daniel was looking at me, a small smile on his face that I couldn’t quite make out. I could feel a blush crawling up my face. Did I have a crush on this guy?
“Daniel, would you like to tell us about the impact sports has had on your life?”
Daniel nodded. When he spoke, his low, manly voice sent shivers running through me.
“Sports has affected every part of my life. I guess like most guys, I grew up playing sports. I think sports, more than school or anything else, has turned me into the person I am today.”
I wondered if that meant his addiction as well. I began to wonder about Daniel. What brought him here? Was he going to stay long? What happened in his life that led to his addiction? This was a center for people who could afford to come here. This wasn’t a center for the poor. I was lucky that my parents were willing to pay the bills, although I was too ashamed to face them. I wondered what Daniel did in his other life. Was he a lawyer? A doctor, like I had studied to be? Somehow, none of those seemed to fit.
For the first time since I’d come here, I wasn’t happy that Doctor Emma let us go. I wanted to stay in the circle, hear more about this Daniel guy. I had no idea why my body reacted the way it did at him. That wasn’t like me at all. I hadn’t had a boyfriend in years now. Hell, I hadn’t ever had a reaction like this to a man, even when I was dating. What was my problem?