I couldn’t do that, no matter how much pain I was in, I wouldn’t do that to the people around me. The people that loved me so much. I wasn’t weak like my mother.
I grabbed a piece of tissue paper and dabbed at the small amount of blood that had pooled on to my wrist. I scrubbed at my face, looking back at the reflection in the mirror. I barely recognized myself anymore. And what I had just done…that wasn’t me.
I climbed back into bed after I cleaned myself up and rinsed Chase’s razor of the evidence of what I had attempted. The emptiness in me was overwhelming, but somehow I squeezed my eyes shut tight enough and fell asleep. This was the only time I was really able to turn my brain off and it was a relief.
The house was quiet when I woke up the next day. I glanced at the clock and saw it was just a little after noon. This was Chase’s first day back to work and he had told me he was taking Caleb to Mary’s house, even though I hadn’t even replied.
I had all of these different emotions running through me and I wasn’t sure if I would ever be all right again. I knew Chase was hurting too, but he didn’t understand how I felt.
He couldn’t.
Although I had been scared at first about being pregnant, it had really sunk in after a while and when I lost the baby, it truly ripped me apart.
I thought for sure I had done something wrong for it to happen. The doctor had explained otherwise telling me that although it was rare to miscarry that late in your pregnancy, it can sometimes happen.
And of course, it happened to me. When was I ever going to get a break?
My phone rang as soon as I sat up in bed and I groaned when Ally’s name popped up onto the screen. She had been calling for weeks, but I had been avoiding her. Truthfully, I was a little surprised that she hadn’t flown back and I think if I was being completely honest with myself, I was a little hurt. I probably would have thrown her out, but still. It’s the thought that counts, right?
I sighed and pushed the talk button. “Hello?”
“Leah?” Her voice came out a pitch higher than usual and I could tell she was surprised I answered. I had surprised myself. “Yup, that would be me.”
“I know silly, I was just surprised you answered. How are you? I feel like I haven’t talked to you in forever. Of course, Chase has been keeping me updated on everything, but I still miss your voice.”
“Ally, please don’t ask me how I am, I truthfully don’t even know how to answer that question right now.”
“Alright, fine. If you want me to act like everything is normal, then I will. How’s the job search going, putting that degree to good use yet?”
I huffed out a breath, of course she would ask that. “I think I would have to leave the house first in order to start a search, so-”
“Well, okay. Always trying to be difficult, aren’t you? The main reason why I was calling is that the guys are playing in Las Vegas in two weeks and I demand your presence. I’m not taking no for an answer.”
“But-”
“And before you try to interrupt with some kind of excuse, let me remind you of all the IOU’s over the years that have piled up. All the times I’ve watched the little man for you, not that I minded, all of the girl talk sessions we’ve had, even the apartment we shared. Clearly, you owe me and I’m cashing them in. This is important to me.”
“Ally, I haven’t even left the house and here you want me to hop on a plane and fly to a city that’s crowded with people. I don’t think it’s a good idea.”
“Well, too bad. You have two weeks to prepare yourself for this trip because you are coming,” she responded in a bubbly voice. I wanted to reach right through the phone and smack some sense in to her.
Did she not know what I was going through? Ally wasn’t an insensitive person normally, but right now, I kind of hated her. “I’ll see you then,” she added cheerfully when I didn’t respond.
She hung up the phone before I could say anything else and I looked down at it blankly. Did I even agree to that? I don’t think I had, but Ally tended to get things her way.
Well, not this time. Sorry Al, not going to happen. Who did she think she was? I know she had been there for me in the past but this time she wasn’t being the understanding Ally that I needed. She had no idea what I was going through.
I stood up and headed towards the bathroom to take a bath. I couldn’t remember the last time I had actually bathed and it kind of grossed me out. I really wasn’t sure how Chase was even still sleeping in the same bed as me. I probably smelled and I had been a total bitch to him for about the past month. If I were him, I would have moved to the couch weeks ago.
I wasn’t really sure how to make things better between the two of us. Chase, of course, was his typical sweetheart self, just trying to be there for me and get me anything I needed. And I guess I was my typical self, by pushing him away.