“Baby, you know that’s not true. None of this was your fault.” I leaned down to kiss her but she pulled away and rolled to her side, her back to me. “Just go Chase, have fun, tell everyone I said hi.”
I sat there for a few minutes until I heard the hum of her soft snores and quietly left the room, leaning up against the door. I didn’t know how to fix her. I just wanted my old sarcastic, stubborn girl back. I knew she was in there somewhere; somehow, I needed to find her again.
“Hi honey,” my mom greeted me at the door with a warm hug, looking over my shoulder with a small frown. “Couldn’t convince her to come?”
I sighed when I stepped inside. I wasn’t instantly greeted by my little sisters like usual. They were all quietly sitting in the living room and I’m sure my mom had given them a warning before I got here, just in case Leah had come along.
“Nope, I don’t know what to do with her anymore, Mom. She doesn’t leave the house; she barely leaves our room. I can tell she’s lost a ton of weight and she barely talks to me or anyone for that matter.”
“Maybe I should try coming over again, dear. She might just need a woman around right now. I know I never went through something like that myself, but sometimes a motherly figure is just the best to help out in that kind of situation.”
“You can try, but I don’t think it’ll work.” I followed her into the kitchen, where the majority of the food was spread out and my two older sisters, Amy and Katie, were putting the finishing touches on things. My mom and Chris had come over right after it happened, to comfort Leah and stock the house with food. She stayed with Caleb the first night and then had taken him home with her for a sleepover with Belle.
“Have you thought about counseling, Chase?” Katie piped in, while grabbing a basket of rolls and setting it on the dining room table. “I know I wasn’t as far along as Leah when I had my miscarriage, but it helped. It would probably help her even more. Chad even went with me a couple times and it helped him too. The woman isn’t always the only one who suffers through these things, but they normally take it the hardest.” She patted my back as I sat down at my seat and the table began to fill up.
“I can give you the number if you want,” she added quietly. “Thanks Katie.” Truthfully, I didn’t know why I hadn’t thought of it sooner. I know the doctor had suggested it right after it happened, but neither one of us had a clear head at the time and I hadn’t thought about it since. Now I just had to convince Leah. That should be fun.
**********
The rest of my winter break off from work went by quickly. I still hadn’t brought up the whole counseling thing to Leah. I figured I would wait until I went back to work since I was home with her every day. I had brought Caleb back home after Christmas and we kept each other occupied since we still couldn’t pry Leah out of the bedroom.
“You excited to go back to your dad’s house this weekend, buddy?” I was helping Caleb get dressed on the first morning back to work. We were getting into a regular routine with Roy to where Caleb was going there every other weekend and a couple of times during the week. The two of them seemed to get along great.
“Yup, I love my room at Dad’s and we always do something fun. I miss being here too. I miss you guys and Tootsie. When do you think Mommy will start feeling better?” He looked at me with those wide brown eyes that were so innocent and I really didn’t know how to answer him. I wish I did. “I don’t know, dude, hopefully soon. I bet you miss having her around, huh?”
He nodded his head and scooped up his backpack. “I do, she’s so sad all the time. I try to make her feel better, but it doesn’t work.”
“I know, bud.” I reached down to rub his head and he followed me down the darkened hallway to the front door. I paused outside our bedroom door, but thought better of it and kept walking. Anytime I talked to Leah, I barely got a response and just seemed to piss her off.
Chapter 14
Leah
I tried to kill myself today or at least, I think that’s what I was trying to do. I wasn’t brave enough to go through with it. It happened when Chase and Caleb left the house. Chase had come in to tell me that they were leaving; I don’t even remember where he said they were going.
As soon as I heard his truck pull out of the driveway, I walked towards the bathroom in a haze. My whole body felt numb, like it had decided to turn itself off. When I placed my trembling hands on either side of the vanity, I looked down and saw Chase’s razor perched on the edge of the counter.
I robotically picked it up, like my hands had a mind of their own, and pressed it to the sensitive skin on my wrist, barely applying any pressure. It would be so easy just to end it all. All of the pain I had been feeling would disappear and I would be at peace. The small trickle of red running down my left wrist, brought me back to reality.