Colbie joins her sister on the couch. She rests her head at one end, Bodie at the other. I glance at Jace who's watching me. To my surprise, he reaches out and caresses my cheek. I smack his hand away, but he doesn't even flinch.
Walking to a giant recliner, Jace sits and stares at the TV. I watch him and wait for some acknowledgement to me staring. When he doesn't react, I have a choice to make.
Jace is fucked up. These days, I'm feeling pretty fucked up too. I don't know what we'll do next, but his lap looks too tempting not to sit in.
Sliding across his legs, I get comfy like I used to when we were in love and life was easy. Jace wraps me in his arms without saying anything. He barely even looks at me. Everything just feels right, so my anger at the handcuffs bullshit will have to wait.
Chapter 30
Jace
Heart Shaped World
I barely watch the movie. My mind races with thoughts of how quickly Stanley got his stubborn ass out of the house once Bodie stirred up such hate in me. Was I that intimidating? Could I control the darkness I usually kept hidden? I'd always felt the club guys, especially Cooper, didn't respect me. I was their kid brother, never an equal.
I want certain things, yet feel lost most days. So I smile and do what I'm told. I only take what's offered, never demanding more. When the pressure grows too strong, I back away from what frightens me. Just as I did as a kid.
My heart has wanted Sawyer since as long as I can remember. I want Sawyer. My dick remains rock hard with Sawyer wiggling around on it whenever she laughs. Finding the movie hilarious, she never gives me a break, and I think I might come in my pants by the time the credits roll.
Fucking isn't what I want most of all. I hate sleeping alone, but only Sawyer feels right in my bed. I crave someone to share everything with, even the dark, nasty things or my stupid fears. Except Sawyer is no different from the rest of the people in my life. They want me to be happy, so I pretend to be happy. I've lied for too long to admit otherwise now.
Studying me, Sawyer leans her head against my shoulder when the movie ends. Her gaze is unreadable, but I refuse to look away. We watch each other for a long time while my fingers play with the curls in her soft hair.
"No," she says suddenly and rolls off my lap before walking out of the room.
Saying nothing, I watch her go. The twins watch her too. They remain silent, but likely talk in their heads. Sighing, I feel bone tired.
"Lying will take a lot out of a man," Colbie says, standing up. "For women, it comes more naturally."
I watch her leave the room with her dog Dwight. Bodie remains on the couch, and I suspect she misses her nap. Finally, she stands.
"Al's Steakhouse is fucking brilliant. You'll feel better once you get protein in your system."
"I want Sawyer back."
"I know."
"She thinks I'm different. The problem is I'm not," I say, following Bodie.
"No more talking. Sawyer said you had therapy for years. You've talked enough. Get cleaned up for dinner. Eat meat. Later, things will be clearer."
I grew up surrounded by powerful men, yet the women in my family always felt more comfortable to be around. Maybe this is why Bodie is more like a mentor than Saint or any other badass I've trained with over the years. At this point, if she says jump, I'll jump. Since she says I need a big steak, I'm not going to complain.
Sawyer is downstairs when I return. She glares at me as if I'm her mortal enemy. I hold her gaze, unafraid of her hate. We've been in this pattern for months, but we hid from our feelings better. I hurt her. She pretended I didn't. We lied for our family and friends. We lied to save face. Mostly, we lied because lying was less painful than the truth. I'm sick of the bullshit though.
Sawyer glares and glares and glares some more. Yet she chooses to sit in the backseat of the SUV with me when we leave. While she never speaks to me, she also takes the seat next to mine at the restaurant. I know this dance. Sawyer feelings are hurt. Anger suits her better than sorrow, so she runs hot and cold until she settles on what temperature fits her best.
We eat side-by-side without speaking. The McLaughlins and their staff laugh and talk over each other. This feast is a weekly tradition, and our presence doesn't dampen the mood.
Bodie is right about the food, and I order as big a steak as I can consume. Sawyer decides to imitate me and order a huge piece of meat she can't possibly finish. Colbie asks if her dog can have the leftovers, leading Sawyer to smile for the first time all dinner.
She doesn't smile again until saying goodnight to the McLaughlins. I follow her up to her room without thinking. I'm on autopilot again, confused about what I need to do to shake this feeling.
Sawyer stops at her door and turns to me. We stare at each other again. I feel like an eternity has passed since I was inside her only hours ago. Before her panic and my jealousy, we reached for the easy pleasure we once shared. Now all I feel is the distance.