I peed then washed my hands, glanced at the mirror to see my curls had fallen and my makeup was gone. I looked super worn out. I bent over the sink and carefully washed my face, rinsing out my mouth, and brushed my hair with my fingers. It met my waist and was knotted at the bottom pretty bad, so I rummaged through Court’s drawers for a hairbrush. My heart beat hard in my chest. My bruises were starting to fade, thank God, but the head bandage probably needed to be replaced.
When I came out, everyone was up. Ansen and Danny were playing video games; Katie was in the kitchen looking through the pantry. Court was holding the baby, who was half asleep, half drinking the bottle I’d made for him.
“He probably needs his diaper changed again, Court.”
“Okay,” she said.
I looked at Ansen. “I probably need to change this bandage.”
Ansen sighed. “Fine,” he said, pausing his game.
“I can do it,” Salinger said.
Everyone stopped what they were doing to look at him, including the baby.
“Fine by me,” Ansen said, picking up his controller again.
Salinger was tall and Court’s ceilings were short. He had to duck under the haunch of her kitchen doorway to get to the stuff I’d bought last night. I watched him wash his hands, pick up the stuff, then head toward her front door. The butterflies in my stomach and I followed him outside.
He gestured for me to sit on Court’s porch steps, so I did.
“How are you feeling?” he asked.
“I’m good,” I told him and meant it. “I know how to adapt,” I explained.
He nodded.
Being really gentle, he peeled back the medical tape. “No offense to Ansen, but the butterfly stitches are too loose. Do you mind if I redo them?”
“Go for it.”
He carefully peeled the three Ansen had applied the night before and set them on top of the old gauze.
He pinched the skin there and I held up a stitch.
“I want you to sleep on my couch,” he said matter-of-factly.
“You don’t meant that,” I said.
“I mean what I say, Lily.”
“I can’t,” I told him.
“Why?”
“Well, because Sterling would find me, and I don’t want to involve you in this crap.”
“Fuck that guy,” he said, his teeth gritted.
I handed him another stitch. When he took it, his fingers grazed mine. It sent shivers up my arm and settled in my chest. It sobered me and I steadied my breath.
“You got any money?” he asked.
“Not much, why?”
“There’s a blitz tournament about twenty miles from here this Saturday. It’s a fifty-dollar entry fee, but the winner’s pool is twenty-five hundred dollars.”
“Oh man, that’s awesome, but I don’t have that kind of cash.”
“Fine, I’ll pay your entry for you.”
I felt my face heat up. “I don’t think so, Salinger.”
“Don’t you want out of this town?” he asked.
Yes, I thought. “I don’t think I could even if I wanted to,” I said instead.
“You’re scared.”
I leaned away from him, but he followed me, grabbing my face to apply the final stitch. “I’m not,” I whispered, his face inches from mine. The blood in my veins ran hot.
“I think you are. You’re also too comfortable here. You feel like you won’t be able to survive and you’re resolved to this fate. It’s why you hang out with people who are as resolved as you are to this town and why you all smoke your problems away.”
He hit a big, giant nerve. I grabbed his wrist and pulled away. “Excuse me? You don’t know me, don’t know us.”
“I know enough,” he said. “People are consistent, Lily. People favor patterns because it’s what they know. Your life can be changed by simply doing nothing.”
His words sank into my skin, laid there, permeated deep until they reached bone. He pulled his arm from my grasp and reached for the little canister of gauze then cut a bit of medical tape. I let him cover the wound.
He sat below me on the stairs. We faced out into the dark before us.
“If you want, I’ll pay your way. You’ll win that cash, I just know it, and it can open some options for you.”
“Why would you do that for me?” I asked him.
“Because you’re another human being, because I think there’s something special about you, because I could see us becoming great friends.” He looked back at me. “Is that enough of a reason?”
“Yes,” I whispered. I swallowed. “But what if I lose your money?”
“So what if you do?”
“I’d feel bad.”
He leaned back, resting his elbows on the stair I sat on. He looked up at me. “I wouldn’t have offered if I couldn’t afford it.”
I took a deep breath. “Okay, then. I’ll try it.”
He smiled at me, a genuine smile, showing just enough of his teeth to send my stomach into loops. “I know the event organizer. The deadline to enter was a few weeks back, but I think if I vouch for you, he’ll let you in.”
“Okay, I’ll be there.”
He shoved my knee with his elbow, sending shivers down my spine. “Good.”
Danny took Salinger to get his Jeep and I spent most of the day with Court and her cousin’s baby at Court’s house. Her cousin didn’t come to pick up her son until three the next afternoon. I chewed her out for leaving her baby that long without anything to eat or more diapers. The girl started cussing me out, her baby shaking on her hip with every dramatic arm swing she threw my way, and I felt a pang of horror knowing what the future held for that poor baby.
Court rolled her eyes my direction and shrugged in a silent sorry to me. I decided I’d overstayed my welcome and bailed. When I went home, I noticed Sterling’s truck was missing. All the pent-up anxiety that’d built up on the drive over alleviated at once.
“Mom, I’m home!” I called out.
She came out from the kitchen into the small living room. “Where have you been, child?”
“At Court’s,” I said, not giving any further information.
She would have pretended it didn’t happen or tried to lessen it to make herself feel better, and I didn’t feel like getting incensed over watching her do that, so I dropped it.
“Where are the girls?” I asked.
“In their room. Can you watch them? There’s another shift available at the plant and I volunteered for it.”
“Sure,” I said. “How you gonna get there?”
“Walk, I guess.”
“Why didn’t Sterling leave you his truck?”
“I don’t know where Sterling went. He hasn’t been home since last night.”
She glanced at my head, but didn’t dare ask what happened. She already knew.
“You can take my car,” I offered.
“Thanks, baby,” she said, catching my keys when I tossed them her direction.
This was nice, yes, but it also made things a little dangerous if Sterling came home drunk because I didn’t have a way to escape. I was betting on him not to start anything since he loved to keep up a good appearance in front of my sisters.
That was the most hilarious part to me about Sterling. He loved his girls. I mean, he really loved them. He was walking whiplash. He could backhand me across a room one second, flip a switch, and love and kiss on his girls the next. He didn’t like to upset them, so he tried to hold back when they were home. If I was being brutally honest, it was partly why I loved to babysit them. If my mom wasn’t home and it was just me taking care of them, he would ignore us for the most part. It was a reprieve.
When he first started dating my mom, I was around seven. He was really nice to me. He’d bring me stuff, candy, and generally was a lot of fun, but as soon as my mom got pregnant with Eloise, he slipped a ring on that finger and turned into a completely different person. It was frightening to witness someone shed a facade like that to reveal the true version of themselves.
Eloise, Callie, and I ate some ramen, watched a little television, then I bathed them and put them to bed. I changed my bandage then went into my room, closing the door behind me. I slid my tray from underneath my bed and rolled a joint. Even the crack of the lighter as I lit the end made me calm down. I took two deep hits then laid the blunt back down.
I felt my nerves and muscles relax. I put the tray back under my bed, left a foot on the floor and laid back against the wall my bed sat on.
My phone indicated a text, so I picked it up.
Caught the director. He fought me a little, but I told him I would vouch for you personally. You’re in, Salinger wrote.
That’s amazing. Thank you so much and I can’t wait.
Five minutes passed before my phone indicated another text.
What are you doing? he asked.
My heart raced.
Just sitting here. What are you doing?