I shook my head and gathered myself. “No, I know, it’s okay. It’s okay. I just feel really bad about it still.”
He brought his hands to his face and dragged them down his skin. “Jesus, I am such an idiot. Please, don’t feel bad. It feels like a million years ago, and I literally don’t even care about it anymore. It was free money, and I just wanted to gift some your way. That’s all.”
“Okay, let’s just go before we both end up in tears then.”
He smiled and nodded. We loaded everything up in the back of his Jeep. It barely fit. I had to sit behind him on the way home since the tub was so long we had to bend the passenger seat forward to get it in. It was crowded, but I was pretty amazed we’d gotten everything for so cheap. It helped that I wasn’t picky.
When we got back to my house, we brought everything inside. The white of the tile, the sink, and the tub in juxtaposition to the yellowed floors and walls was shocking.
“There’s so much to do to make this livable. I don’t know how I’ll get it all done.”
“One room at a time,” Salinger said.
We spent the morning demoing the existing bathroom, which was cathartic. Since there was only one bathroom in the entire house, though, we were forced to relieve ourselves at Alta Mae’s, but she didn’t mind. She told me she was proud of me working hard to get my sisters back. I kissed her cheek and let her know if she needed me, I’d be where I always was.
We finished the demo because I found out the bulk trash was coming that Friday and they only came once every two weeks and we knew that was our chance to avoid hiring a dumpster, something I definitely couldn’t afford.
Around ten, Salinger and I were starved and tired, so I made some ramen for us. He was too sleepy to go home, so he slept on our lumpy couch.
I was unbelievably grateful to him. I knew I couldn’t have moved forward the way I was without him.
We worked our night shift, and spent the next morning, the morning my mama was cremated, installing the tub and laying tile. I would randomly burst out crying, but Salinger never made a big deal of it. He’d hand me some toilet tissue and I’d blow my nose and we’d get right back to work. By nine that morning, we’d tiled every single wall to the ceiling. The floor tile we’d found was pitch black and hexagon with a white grout. There wasn’t much available that day, but the bathroom was so small, it was enough to cover. The wall tiles were those cheap square ones you see, but with the black grout it didn’t look terrible.
“I’m proud of us,” Salinger told me, grout all over his hands.
I nodded, overwhelmed with emotion. “Thank you so much,” I told him.
“Let’s get the sink in and toilet in,” he said.
“Aren’t you tired?” I asked.
“Yeah, but if we get them in, we can turn the water back on and take showers here.”
“Won’t it take a bit?” I asked.
“Maybe an hour. Let’s do it.”
He brought the toilet in and set it down carefully on a stack of towels I’d set on the floor.
“I’ll be right back,” he said, running out to his car. He brought back in a plastic bag full of stuff. “We left this in there the other day,” he said, taking out things I didn’t recognize.
We watched a ten-minute video on how to install a toilet and followed their instructions perfectly. Before I knew it, we were caulking the base and moving on to the sink, which took a little bit more time than we’d anticipated, but we were done around one o’clock.
“I can’t believe we did this,” I told him.
“Does it make you feel better?” he asked.
“It makes me feel like there’s a light at the end of a very long tunnel. I can’t see it yet, but I can sense it.”
“Exactly what I wanted to hear.”
“Thank you so, so much, Salinger.”
He stood beside me, stared into my crazy new bathroom and nodded. “Of course.”
We slept for a few hours then went into work. I tried not to think about the fact that when I clocked out, I didn’t get to go home to move forward or get some sleep.
I had to go home and put on Katie’s black dress.
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
“I CAN’T DO THIS. I can’t do this. I can’t do this. I’m not rea’dy to do this.”
“Lily,” Salinger whispered, “you don’t have a choice.”
I stared over the muddied path, the mist that laid close to the ground. “It’s all my fault and I don’t how I will live with this kind of guilt,” I choked out.
I swallowed; my bottom lip trembled. I turned from him and looked back onto the grass near the trees. They stood there, the girls, side by side, and I felt like vomiting.
“What have I done to them?” I quieted to no one.
Salinger answered anyway. “Nothing, Lily. You didn’t do anything.”
I looked at my lap, unable to gaze at them any longer. “You’re right. That’s exactly what I did. I did nothing. I did nothing. Nothing. When I should have done something.”
“It was an accident.”
“Nothing is an accident, though, is it?”
“Not true.”
I ignored him.
“I need to forget this. I have to forget this. I don’t want to remember this.” I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. “Will you stay near me?”
“Of course,” he whispered.
We sat still and silent for a moment.
“When I’m with you, it’s easier to forget.”
His head lolled back and forth on the back of his seat. “You’re not supposed to forget, Lily.”
“I want to, though. I don’t want to remember ever. I can’t even look at them”
“And what does that get you? What does forgetting do for you?”
“It takes away the guilt.”
“Wrong,” he argued, “it only makes it worse later.” He turned his head toward me and I looked up at him. “Eventually you’ll remember, and it will hit you hard and fast. Face it now and head-on or it will resurface when you least expect it. It’ll paralyze you.”
I opened my door and the fresh smell of dirt assailed me, making me feel sick. I felt Salinger behind me as we climbed the small hill to my mother’s graveside. When I crested the hill, there stood a few of my friends, including Ansen and Katie, the old priest, two adults, dressed well with their hands on my sisters’ shoulders, and my sweet sisters.
I ran to them. Fell on my knees before them and brought them to me. They held on to me with everything they had and I did the same.
“I’ve missed you, Cal,” I told her, kissing her head. I moved to Eloise. “I’ve missed you, Wheezy,” I told her as well and kissed her head. “I’m working so hard on bringing you back home. I’m going to bring you home.”
They didn’t respond, just held on to me as tight as they could, shattering my heart into a million pieces, into so many fragments I didn’t think it could ever be reassembled the same. I breathed into their necks and gathered enough strength to stand.
I held their hands, refusing to look at their foster parents.
“Oh God, whose blessed Son was laid in a sepulcher in the garden—” the old priest began.
I squeezed my sisters’ hands for the entire funeral, never letting go, not once, and when our mother was interred, the stone placed, I fell beside them once more and held them for as long as they would let me. They had to pry me away from them.
“I will come for you,” I promised them. “I’ll bring you home.”
I watched the two strangers take my sisters away. I thanked the priest.
Ansen, Katie, Noah, and Court hugged me and I thanked them for coming. They told me they were taking me to lunch and I couldn’t say no.
And Salinger was there, always near me. He told me he would stay near me and he delivered on his promise.
He poured me into his Jeep and we followed Ansen and Katie, Noah, and Court.
Lunch was pleasant. Quiet, but pleasant.
“I have to go,” I told the table, thinking of the sadness in Callie’s and Eloise’s eyes. “Thank you for being there for me. Thank you for lunch.”
I started walking out and felt Salinger right behind me. He didn’t say anything, just steered me toward his car and held the door open for me. He drove me home. I took off Katie’s dress.
And I got to work.
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN