“I was sorry to hear about your mama,” he offered. No mention of Sterling.
I nodded. “Thank you. Listen,” I began, unable to give that any further thought or I’d crumble into a pile on the floor, “I need a job, Casey. Anything. I’ll take anything.”
Casey nodded in turn and patted my upper arm. “Of course, of course. I have night crew open, if you’re up to it? Hours kind of suck, though.”
“I don’t care,” I told him. “I’ll take anything,” I answered, trying not to think on the fact that I’d be working side by side with Salinger.
“Okay then,” he said softly. “Come on in here and we’ll fill out some simple paperwork.”
I followed him into his small office and the door closed behind us. He gestured toward a chair and I sat.
“When would you like to start?” he asked.
“As soon as you’ll let me,” I told him, meaning it. Any movement felt like progress and a wonderful distraction.
“Well, I’ve got a girl who called in sick tonight, but if that’s—”
“I’ll do it. What time?”
“Shift starts in an hour.”
“Done,” I agreed, eager.
“Fine, finish this up, leave it on my desk, and go home. Get some clothes on that you don’t mind getting a little dirty.”
“Sure, of course,” I said and feverishly filled out the form.
It felt like my hundredth form that week and I felt a little ill. I breathed deep.
“Lily,” he said, staring at me. “If you need some time, I’ll hold the position for you.”
I brought my eyes to his. “No, Casey, this is perfect, thank you.”
“If you change your mind, just let me know.”
“Thank you,” I told him as he left his office.
When I was done with the paperwork, I laid it across his desk and hauled to the parking lot to get my car so I could go change.
“Done,” I said, checking off the first invisible box of the list inside my head.
I returned that night in jeans, a T-shirt, a pair of Converse, and my hair in a ponytail, ready for work. I met Casey in the front.
He looked at me. “That was quick.”
I nodded once. “What do you want me to do?” I asked.
“Come here,” he said, leading me to the back of the store, to shipping and receiving as he called it.
There was one of those old-fashioned time clocks. He showed me a card he’d made with my name on it and I time stamped it.
“There you go, girl,” he said. “I’ll have one of my guys teach you the ropes this week.”
“Cool,” I told him.
Not Salinger. Not Salinger. Not Salinger.
“Just follow me,” he said.
We walked to the back right of the store and came upon all the boys from the other night, the ones who had witnessed my meltdown with Salinger. My face flamed red, but I stood resolute.
That’s when I saw him. Salinger. He was bent over, breaking down boxes, and stood when he saw Casey and me approach. My heart beat harder in my chest than I’d ever felt it. A mixture of sorrow, pain, and humiliation flooded my entire body and I felt the urge to bolt, then the urge to run to Salinger, which made no sense to me.
He looked at me, his face blank.
“Salinger, this is Lily. She’ll be working the night shift with us. Show her the ropes?” Casey asked him, not realizing we already knew the other.
Salinger nodded once. All the other boys stood dumbstruck, staring at us.
“Chop, chop, gentlemen!” Casey yelled, which broke their trance and they started moving again, breaking things down and loading shelves.
Salinger came to me as Casey turned for the front of the store.
“Hey,” he greeted.
“Hey,” I spoke, but it was soft and quiet.
“I was sorry to hear—” he began, but I stopped him short.
“Thanks. If it’s okay with you, I don’t want to talk about it. Can’t, really. I just want to do the job.”
Something passed across his face then, but I didn’t know how to interpret it. He nodded his reply and turned back to the shelves. “Follow me.”
He showed me the most efficient way to stock the shelves and how to face the product. I picked it up quickly, only needing a few pointers here and there, but kept up with him for the most part. The work was tedious, but I was grateful for it. Grateful for the distraction, for the means to fix my life, for the way I could bring my sisters back home.
I took a deep breath for the hundredth time that day.
We worked our way down the store, my body tired beyond belief, and arrived at the frozen section.
“This one kind of sucks,” Salinger offered.
“That’s okay,” I replied.
But as I started unloading boxes of frozen pizza, ice stuck to my hands, and within an hour they were freezing cold, numb, and my skin turned red. I shook them out every few seconds, but it didn’t help. Salinger watched me then went to the back.
“Come on, Lily,” I whispered to myself.
A pair of thin leather gloves appeared in front of my face. I looked up and saw Salinger holding them.
“They help,” he explained.
“Thank you.”
When we were done, we broke down all the boxes and laid them on a cart, ready to recycle. All the other boys made their way to the back, but Salinger held me back. I turned to see Casey making his way toward us.
“How’d she do?” he asked Salinger.
“Really well. She kept up with us the entire time,” he answered.
Casey looked shocked. “That’s amazing, Lily. Not even full-grown men can keep up with the crew, especially their first night.”
“Thank you,” I said, my chest feeling tight for some reason.
“The better question, though, is how you feel about it? Think you want to do this every night?”
“Yes,” I answered, too tired to feign optimism.
“Good,” he said with a nod.
“Get home. Get some rest. See you here tomorrow at nine.”
He held his hand out for me and I shook it.
“We’ve got to clock out,” Salinger said when Casey walked away.
“Okay,” I said and followed him to the back.
I noticed all the guys stood in the thin light of the morning sun, smoking cigarettes and hanging out.
“We always go to breakfast together,” Salinger said, punching his card.
“Cool,” I said.
“Wanna come?” he asked.
“No, thank you,” I told him. I needed every dime I had.
He nodded. “See you tomorrow, Lily.”
“See you,” I responded and watched him walk away.
Keep it together, Lily.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
I WORKED THE NIGHT SHIFT every night for the next seven nights. I grew accustomed to sleeping during the day. I never heard from Legal Aid. When I called the county about my mother, they had no news for me. They both promised me they’d have more information the following week.
After my shift on the eighth night, they handed me a paycheck for the previous week. While I walked to my car, I ripped it open.
Two hundred sixty-three dollars and some change.
I mentally calculated what I’d need to eat the cheapest way I possibly could, what I’d need for gas, and thought about how I could make the most impact on the house to make it suitable to bring the girls back again. When I reached my Scout, I leaned across the hood, feeling the metal cooled by the night air, and rested my forehead on its surface as I tried to gather enough mental courage to put one more foot in front of the other.
I was hanging by a thread. A very thin thread.
Keep it together, Lily.
“Lily,” I heard to my left.
I opened my eyes to see Salinger standing there.
“Hello, Salinger,” I said, not bothering to stand back up.
“Lily, you’re struggling.”
I took a deep breath and met his eyes. “I’m fine,” I told him.
“You’re not sleeping or eating. It’s obvious.”
I summoned enough strength to stand back up. “You wanna know what pain like that does for someone who deserves it?” I asked him.
He flinched. “Nobody deserves that.”
“I do,” I told him.
He breathed deeply through his nose. “Lily, that’s really unhealthy.”
I laughed and dug for my keys out of my bag. “I killed my mom.”