“Fuck!” Salinger said. His hands balled into fists.
“I know.” I laughed without humor. “He must have thought I was going to turn him in or something.”
“The men in this worthless town.”
“CPS showed up, tested me, and took the girls, Salinger.”
“Oh my God,” he said, grabbing for me. “I’m so sorry. So sorry.”
I let him hold me because I needed it. I didn’t deserve it but I needed it.
“First thing’s first, you need to file a police report,” he said, pulling away.
“I did. I already did,” I explained, wiping my face clean.
“We need to get you an attorney.”
“Already have one through Legal Aid.”
“What did they say?” he asked.
“That I need to take a voluntary drug test every week, fix the house up so it’s livable for the girls. They’re working on visitation. Sh-she suggested I get a physical examination. To, uh, to rule out—” I said, but couldn’t finish.
He nodded.
“Sounds like you did everything you were supposed to. Are you, uh, are you going to get, you know, checked?”
“I already did.”
He audibly swallowed.
“There wasn’t… I mean, he didn’t,” I began.
“You don’t have to say any more.”
I nodded.
“Are, uh, are you quitting weed?”
“Absolutely. I—” I paused. “I am worried about the damage this is doing to the girls.”
“You’re going to get them back. You’re going to give them stability, probably better than they’ve ever had it, Lily, and you’re going to come out of this happier than you could possibly imagine. You’re going to do all this.”
“How do you know?”
“I just do,” he said. “Eat your eggs.”
I nodded and did as he said.
We finished eating and put our dishes in his washer. He took the couch and I slid onto his gray sheets. They were soft and clean and smelled like him. I fell asleep instantly.
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
I WOKE TO KNOCKING on Salinger’s door and the sound traumatized me. I shot up in bed and started breathing fast and heavy. It’s okay. It’s okay. You’re not at home, I assured myself. I steadied my breaths then swung my legs off the bed. When my feet hit carpet, I heard Salinger open the door.
“Hey, babe!” a girl told him, and my heart started beating for a very different reason then.
“Lyric?” he asked, his voice scratchy from sleep.
“Yeah, who else would it be, crazy?” she asked him.
I heard her, like a tornado, whirlwind her way through his apartment, laying stuff down on his counter, it sounded like, and dropping a pair of keys somewhere. I had no idea what I needed to do in that moment, paralyzed by indecision, but Salinger saved me.
“Uh, I’ve got company, Lyric.”
There was a dramatic pause and I felt like sliding under his covers to hide.
“What?” she whispered.
“Yeah,” he said, “quiet for a minute. She might still be asleep.”
“She?” Lyric spit out.
Another pause. “Uh, yeah, she. What’s wrong with you?”
“Nothing, I’m just, I’m surprised is all. I didn’t, I wasn’t sure if you did that kind of stuff.”
Salinger laughed. “You’re jumping to a bunch of conclusions.”
“Oh,” she said, sounding relieved.
It bothered me, what he said, but I didn’t have the right to be offended. I had my chance with him and blew it. You also have much bigger fish to fry. That sobered me.
I heard Salinger walk to his bedroom door. Adrenaline shot through my veins. He knocked lightly. “Lily?” he asked.
“I’m up!” I said, clearing my throat. “Coming now.”
“Lily?” she whispered, sounding confused.
“Yeah, Lily,” he explained. “Remember that bad-ass chess girl from Noah’s party?”
I heard nothing.
“What?” Salinger asked.
“Her?” Lyric whisper-yelled.
Oh God. I am so unbelievably uncomfortable right now.
I stood and glanced in his bathroom mirror just off his bedroom, next to his bed. I ran my fingers through my hair, leaned over, and rinsed my mouth with water. I opened the door to see Lyric and Salinger having a silent argument. Salinger stood when he heard me, though, and smiled.
“Sleep okay?” he asked me.
When Lyric saw me, her mouth gaped wide. “Are you wearing his clothes?” she asked.
I looked down at myself. “Yeah,” I answered.
She fixed her expression. “Oh, that’s cool. Sorry for interrupting or whatever,” she offered, but judging by her facial expression, it was anything but cool for her.
Salinger furrowed his brows. He looked tired of her.
Lyric couldn’t find her next words. Instead, she stood, swung her hair forward. “Well, I brought dinner,” she said quickly, awkwardly handling a bag placed on his counter. “I’m sorry, I only brought enough for two,” she said, pursing her lips.
I shook my head and waved my hands forward. “No, man, it’s cool. No big deal.”
Salinger took a step toward me. “I can make you something,” he said.
I smiled at him but shook my head. “I should probably get going,” I told him. “Gotta get ready for work and all that.” I went back to his room and gathered all my clothing then came back out. I walked backward toward his front door. “Are you, uh, okay to get to work?”
He ignored me. “Are you sure you can’t stay?” he asked, looking baffled.
“Yeah, thanks for the invite, though,” I told him, backing into a wall. “Whoa, sorry,” I dumbly apologized.
“I can take him to work,” Lyric said, answering my question for him.
“Cool,” I said, ducking my head as I turned toward his front door.
I gripped the door handle, but it wouldn’t turn. I unlocked it, but it still wouldn’t turn.
Salinger’s hand landed above me. “Hey,” he said softly. I turned. We were inches from one another. “Are you sure you can’t stay?”
“No, uh, thank you,” I told him.
He stayed close to me. I could see the muscles in his stomach shift through his shirt as he reached above me and unbolted a safety lock above my head.
“Thank you again,” I said, “for everything.”
I turned and twisted the knob. This time the door opened and I escaped into the early evening air, walking toward my car, but not before turning back to see if he was still there. He was. He was watching me, leaning against the jamb of his door, tall and stunning. He made my heart race, and that made me feel so selfish. I shook my head to clear the feelings.
I waved and he nodded his head slowly in acknowledgment.
I circled back around and practically sprinted back to my car. I heaved all my stuff inside and got in. He watched me until I was no longer in view. When I reached the first red light, I plugged my phone into my car charger. The clock read six o’clock in the evening. I’d slept ten hours at Salinger’s and it had helped, really helped me.
The phone powered on, indicating a voice mail. I pulled over, put the Scout in park, and looked to see who it was from. It was my attorney.
“Sylvia?” I asked no one.
Frantically, I pressed play.
Lily, it’s Sylvia from Legal Aid, the message played, we met with a judge this afternoon. They feel it might not be best for you to have visitation with the girls as of yet, love. I’m so sorry, but don’t give up. This happens, it continued on, but I let the phone drop on my seat, done.
I made it home safely and that fact stung, imagining what happened to my mama because of me. I dragged my feet inside and fell on my bed.
I was losing hope.
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
I STARED AT THE CEILING, not bothering to glance at my clock.
“I’m never gonna win,” I told the yellowed tiles.