“I suspicion ye are right about my nay liking to be back on a horse, but I will be verra pleased to be traveling to where my boys are. I need to see them, Brian. They are all I have and I need to be with them if there is to be a battle for their lives.” She rubbed her cheek against the linen of his shirt, a little surprised at how openly affectionate she had become, and added softly, “They are all I might ever have.”
Brian leaned back and, placing his hands on her cheeks, turned her face up to his. He could tell she was realizing what she had just said and wanting him to ignore it. That was not something he could do.
“What do ye mean?” he asked.
“Naught. ’Twas naught,” she muttered, but knew she was blushing, signaling the lie she had just told him.
“Arianna, what did ye mean? Aside from having a verra large army of kinsmen, ye are still young. Ye can wed again and have a few bairns of your own.”
The mere thought of her with another man made Brian’s insides clench with jealousy and denial. He knew that was unreasonable. He could not have her, was not good enough for her, but he obviously wanted to deny her all chance of making a home and a family with some other man. It was hard to accept that he could be so selfish, but he was.
“Nay, I cannae.” Arianna hated to reveal her fear yet was compelled to let Brian know just how poor a choice of wife she would be for a man, even if he had never once indicated that he wanted her in that way.
“I am certain there are many weel-born lads with fat, full purses who will rush to woo you once ’tis kenned that ye are free.”
She was not sure what a man’s birth or the weight of his purse had to do with it all, but she shrugged aside the urge to question his words. It would be too easy to use such questions to turn him away from the truth she had been hiding. He was owed the truth.
“A mon wants children, Brian. I failed to give Claud one despite five years of marriage. The one time I conceived a child, I lost the bairn verra quickly.”
There was such sorrow weighting her words and darkening her eyes that Brian pulled her back into his arms. He stroked her back, resting his chin upon her head, as he struggled to think of what to say to ease that sorrow. Unfortunately, he knew very little about women’s ills, childbirth, or the how and why of losing a baby before it was even born.
“The trouble could have been with Claud,” he said, and inwardly grimaced at the weakness of that assurance.
It struck Arianna a little odd that that would be the first thought in his mind but she just said, “Claud gave Marie Anne two fine lads, didnae he? He gave me but the one bairn who couldnae cling to life and ne’er another after that. Nay, I fear I am not fated to bear a child.”
“I dinnae believe it but I ken naught about such matters. Dinnae want to.” He smiled when she laughed softly. “Ye need to speak to women who ken about such things. Jolene has been wed seven years with three children and another to come soon. She will ken a few things, aye? Fiona was trained by your clan in the healing arts. She, too, has knowledge both from having her own bairns and all she learned from the healing women in your clan.”
Arianna nodded but knew she would not follow his advice. It had been hard enough to talk to Jolene before and to confess her lack to him now. To face another woman, especially one who had a bairn to love, and try to get even more assurance that she might not be barren could prove an impossible task. She could not bear to see the pity that would surely appear in Fiona’s eyes. Yet there was no denying that it would be wise to continue to talk to someone with knowledge, even if it confirmed what she feared and what Claud had told her the physician had said—that she was probably barren, unable to get with child, and unable to hold a bairn in her belly if she was lucky enough to get with child. Fiona would have had training Jolene had not had.
Brian stood up, took her by the hand, and pulled her to her feet. “Come. Since we have decided to resume our journey, we had best go and prepare for it.”
It was not until Arianna was packing up the clothing Jolene had so generously given her that she really thought over what she had confessed to Brian. She suddenly knew why she had felt compelled to tell him such a private, painful truth. It was to see what he would say. He had been encouraging and sympathetic but he had not said the one thing she had ached to hear. He had not told her that it did not matter to him.
“Foolish, foolish woman,” she said, and sat down on the bed, staring blindly at the fine linen shift Jolene had given her.
“Why do you call yourself foolish?”
Arianna jumped a little in surprise and stared at Jolene, idly wondering how people kept managing to sneak up on her. She began to think nearly drowning had damaged her ears. After five years of misery with Claud it was not easy to recall much from the years that had gone before, but she was certain she had not always been so completely unaware of what was happening around her or of who was approaching her.