“Nay. Sit. We will eat and then rest and then continue on our journey.”
She cautiously sat down, watched him pace the little clearing for a moment, and tried not to tense when he sat down beside her. It was clear she had angered him and she was not certain how to soothe that anger. In fact, she wondered if she should. If he remained angry with her there would be no more kisses. The thought of that made her heart ache and she inwardly cursed.
“I am nay Claud,” he said again as he handed her his wineskin and began to unpack more oatcakes, cold meat, and cheese. “I see now that he wanted to make ye question everything about yourself, lass. I would have thought ye kenned that by now, that ye would see that whate’er he said was just more lies.”
Her mouth full of cider, she just nodded. It was hard to meet his gaze, but she forced herself to do so. Arianna just wished the conversation were not so embarrassing. Losing oneself in the heat of a kiss while held in the arms of a very handsome man was one thing, talking about it was quite another. It was only now that she realized she knew very little about what went on between a man and a woman as Claud had done only what was necessary to get her with child. She knew there was so much more but not what that more was, despite the talks she had heard from the married ladies in her clan.
“There are two ways for a mon to grind a woman down beneath his boot. He can beat her with his fists or he can pick away at her with cruel words until she has no pride left and no will to stand against him. Ye need to accept that Claud used words to crush ye and accept that whate’er he told ye was wrong, was just used to make certain ye caused him no trouble. Weel, that and as a way to make ye shoulder the blame for his own mistakes.”
“I do ken that,” she whispered, for she had begun to question Claud’s cruelty to her from the moment she had discovered he was not truly her husband.
“If he didnae find pleasure in the bedding of ye, it was all his own fault. I can feel the passion in ye, Arianna. ’Tis sweet and hot. He caged it because he didnae want it. Ye have to free it. Ye have to cease thinking ye have some lack that will leave a mon cold. Believe me, cold is the verra last thing I feel when I have ye in my arms.”
“Tell me, how would it make ye feel if, when a woman rose from your bed, she made sure ye kenned that ye had failed to satisfy her desires? What if that woman was your wife and she told ye that every night?”
Brian did not even want to think about it, knowing it would eat at his soul if something like that ever happened. “It would burn its way into my heart and mind as it has yours. Only ye can push it away, toss it on the midden heap where it belongs. I would tell ye what else I would probably do but fear it would sound too much like I was just trying to get ye to do as I want.”
“And what would that be? What would ye do?”
“I would eventually find myself a woman and find out if the wrong was in me or in the one who claimed I failed her. And if the wrong was in me, then I would do what I could to fix it because I would ken that I had the passion in me, that I just needed to learn a few skills to share it with another. Now, eat. We need to rest and, I think, ye need to wrestle with a few ghosts.”
Arianna ate and settled down in her blankets without saying another word. Her mind was too busy with thoughts about what he had said to try and converse. She was also disappointed with herself. She did know what Claud had been doing with his constant insults and quiet cruelties, but she was having a lot of trouble shaking free of the power they had held over her. It had held her in its tight grip for far too long.
She could all too easily recall the heat of Brian’s kiss and the way his hand upon her breast had made her blood run hot. A part of her was demanding she allow herself a full tasting of the pleasure he promised her, while another part cringed from the possibility that he, too, would find her lacking.
Courage was what she needed. Arianna was determined to find that courage, the strength to banish the fear Claud had bred in her, and accept what Brian offered. She was a widow and could indulge herself without fear of much censure. By the time they stopped for the night again, she wanted to be ready to find out the truth. She wanted to prove all Claud had made her believe of herself as a woman was no more than another one of his lies.
Chapter 6
An inn. From the stupor of exhaustion she had fallen into, Arianna roused herself enough to smile. For almost two days she and Brian had done little more than ride, take a short rest, and ride some more. The inn was a little worn down but it looked like the finest castle to her. For at least one night she would be sleeping in a bed beneath a roof. Even better, she might be able to eat something besides rabbit.