“And make sure you say good things about me to Yoon Jae. I could use a sexy Korean in my life.” Her smile turns wry, but it’s forced.
I swing my arm to hit her on the back of the head, but she dodges my hand and pushes open the door. She pops her head back out, and I think I see a tear running into her mouth.
“I love you, Gracie.”
My chest tightens, but I can’t stop smiling. “I love you, too.”
*
I see Jane and Momma off to the airport a couple days later. Momma and I spent hours going around and around about whether I had to go back home. But all it took was a simple explanation to get her to listen.
“I’m not ready to go home yet,” I said. “It reminds me too much of Nathan, and I can’t be there right now. I’m sorry.”
She stared at me a long time, but there was no criticism in her eyes this time. All she did was nod. No declaration of blessing or promises to support me no matter what I decided.
But it was enough.
She didn’t even mention the article plastered all over the Internet about Nathan Cross’s sister being to blame for his death, à la reporter Kevin. There’s no way she didn’t see it. She just exercised self-control for once.
And in that moment, I realized something: Relationships may be messy and I may not be able to calculate them like an algebra equation, but they’re worth it. And what Momma and I have is worth trying to save, as fragile as it is. Maybe we can be friends one day, maybe not. But I want to try.
I wave at Jane as she follows Momma into the security line. She points to the tall boy in front of her, then throws me a thumbs-up and pretends to swoon. I chuckle, the sting of missing her already settling in.
But I’m not sad. I guess I should be. It’s going to be a long time before I see my family again. But I’m not.
Jason and Jane were right—Nathan’s death wasn’t my fault, and I need to stop thinking it was. I did what I could, and I’ve been carrying around a lot of guilt for too long. It still hurts, this pain that lingers, but it’s not the crippling sort of pain it once was, just a residual ache. And that I can handle.
A calm assurance fills me, and a smile forms on my lips. For the first time since Nathan’s death, I feel a sliver of freedom. I’m done hiding who I am, where I come from. I’m ready to start again. To be me.
No more running.
Chapter Twenty-six
I get home from the airport and find Sophie packing up clothes in one of her suitcases. Panic jolts through me.
“Sophie, what are you doing?” I ask, fear lacing my voice. “They’re not kicking us off campus until for another two weeks.”
She glances at the wad of clothes in her hand, then at me, and laughs. “I’m not leaving right now. I just wanted to get a head start on packing up.”
A gigantic wave of relief floods me, but it dissipates when I realize just how soon this will all be over. Two weeks. Then what am I going to do with my life?
My visa runs out in a month and it’s renewable, but the school’s going to kick me out in two weeks. I could ask Sophie if I could stay with her in Seoul, but we haven’t talked as much since I started hanging out more with Jason.
I sit down on the edge of my bed, tucking my head so it doesn’t hit the top bunk. “So how’s Tae Hwa?” I ask, realizing we haven’t talked much about her personal life in a while.
“Fine,” she says.
But there’s something off in her voice.
“Are you guys okay?”
Her eyes narrow at me. “He said we shouldn’t date. Is that what you wanted to know?”
“Sophie—”
“It’s not a big deal,” she assures me, returning to her packing.
I wait a moment, letting the issue of her and Tae Hwa drop. I won’t push it if she doesn’t want to talk about it. But we need to clear the air.
“Sophie, can we talk for a second?”
She stops folding clothes and forces a smile. “Yeah, what’s up?”
I bite the inside of my cheek, searching for the best way to start this conversation. “I just want to apologize. I feel like I sorta ditched you after I started hanging out with Jason more.”
She shrugs, despite the tightness around her eyes. “It’s not a big deal. You guys got close, that’s all.”
“But I feel like I have to explain what happened.” My voice drops to an embarrassed murmur. “Especially after you walked in on us the other night.”
She cracks a smile. “I know you guys didn’t sleep together, like, in that way. Jason is way too conservative to do anything like that. I was just making a joke the next morning.”
I get to my feet, no longer able to sit still. “I know, but I don’t want you to be mad at me. It almost felt like we were choosing sides when the band broke up, like you were Team Tae Hwa and I was Team Jason or something, but I didn’t want it to be that way. It almost felt like you didn’t like me hanging out with your brother.”
Sophie forces a humorless laugh. “Why would I not like that?”
“I don’t know.”
We just look at each other for a moment, then she sighs. “It’s dumb.”
“You can tell me, anyway.”
She sits on top of her desk, beside a pile of T-shirts, and stares at her hands, which she holds in her lap. “Jason and I are twins, so we’ve been really close since we were little. We were all each other had when we lived in New York. But then we moved back to Seoul, and it seemed like Jason sort of outgrew me.” Her bottom lip quivers. “So when he decided to come to Ganghwa Island to get away from the music business, I came, too. I was hoping that we could reconnect again. But then he met you.”
My insides twist, half in remorse for helping pull Jason away from Sophie, but half in expectance of what she’ll say next. She thinks Jason saw me as important enough to keep him from hanging out with his sister? I can’t decide how I feel about that—honored or concerned.
“At first, it was okay,” she continues. “Although it bothered me that he didn’t seem to like you.”
I chuckle, thinking back to when Jason and I barely knew each other. The dislike was mutual.