“I found your journal.” She said her voice hoarse and full of emotion as she tapped the cover of the book she held in her trembling hands. “There must be something wrong with me because every page made me madder and madder.” She closed her eyes and shook her head slightly. “I’m so mad at you, because each letter is a goodbye. You knew we weren’t going to get married.” She opened her eyes and the tears slipped from the corners as she did so. She lifted the book to the stone as if he could see it. “It’s all right here in your own words. You expect me to move on with my life when all I can think about is how angry I am that you knew you would leave me. You said your goodbyes while all I got to do was watch you die.”
She wiped her tears away with the back of her hand before she slipped the book back into her bag. “Well, now wherever you are it’s your turn to watch.” She straightened her posture and stared at his name. “You can watch me exist...” She wouldn’t dare say live, because she knew that was anything but what she was doing. No, exist was the better choice of word. She stood up and brushed the fresh grass clippings off of her jeans. “… Until I don’t anymore.” The last part of her sentence came out in a harsh strangled whisper. She sniffled before leaning down to press her lips against the cold headstone. Her warm lips full of life against the slab of stone only reinforcing the fact that she was alone. She stood straight and reached into her purse to pull out the orange prescription bottle that was her salvation. She unscrewed the cap and threw her head back as she shook the pills into her mouth. She closed her eyes as she swallowed the pills. Her eyes slowly fluttered open and she turned on her heel without another glance towards Jake’s tombstone.
Her phone rang as she made her way back down the hill. She reached into her purse and pulled out the phone. She cringed when she saw it was Luke who was calling her. She declined the call just as she did every Friday. He’d leave a voicemail telling her he deposited the profits of Riverdale Ink in her checking account. He’d end the call with “I hope you’re okay, please call me back.” She had the whole voicemail down pat. Too bad she never called him back.
*
“Goddamn it!” Luke said as he threw his phone across the office and slammed his fist against the desk. He ran his hand threw his hair and cupped the back of his neck in frustration.
“What the hell is with you?” Nick asked, standing in the doorway of the office they shared. He took a step inside and picked up the phone Luke had thrown, examining it before handing it back to him.
Luke took the phone and let out a breath before shaking his head. “It’s nothing.”
Nick crossed his arms against his chest and cocked an eyebrow at him, calling bullshit. Luke rolled his eyes at his friend before shoving the phone into his back pocket.
“I’m just stressed out.”
“You’re throwing shit and slamming your fist.” Nick said observantly.
“Yeah, and? We all deal with stress differently.” He turned around and began to shove some order forms for parts around. “Did the transmission come in for the Chevy?”
“Yes and it’s installed.” Nick peered at him. “Are you trying to blame this place on your stress?”
Luke looked up and shot Nick a look. “No, but at the current moment you seem to be raising my stress level.”
“Yeah your blood pressure is probably higher too.” He said as he motioned to his own forehead. “You have veins popping out all up in this area.” Then he crossed his arms again and cocked his head to the side. “You might want to get that checked out.”
“Are you finished?” Luke asked as his patience wore thin.
“I’m not sure.” Nick said and then sat down in the chair in front of the desk. “Are you going to tell me what the hell is going on with you? If not I can keep going…”
“When did you become so annoying?” Luke asked before sliding into the chair behind the desk. His shoulders slumped in defeat. He sighed heavily and glanced over to his friend. “I’m worried about Cara.”
“Ah ah… and there it is.” Nick said, leaning forward and holding Luke’s gaze.
“Today is the day she and Jake was supposed to get married.” Luke felt his hands clench into fists beside him. The significance of the day coupled with not hearing from her, had him on edge. He couldn’t shake the feeling in his gut that was telling him that she needed him. “I can’t get a hold of her.”
“She probably wants to be alone.” Nick offered. “She seemed fine when we went to dinner a couple of weeks ago.”
Luke nodded absent-mindedly. She wasn’t fine that night either, sure he was able to catch a glimpse of the Cara he once knew, but she disappeared quickly as the night progressed. He saw the change in her after Nick and Sam had asked them to stand up for them at their wedding. He should’ve known today was going to be hard on her. He should’ve planned a way to help her get through it. He kicked himself, as he thought of all the places he could’ve whisked her away, so she could forget. Luke could’ve been the one to make things okay for her today. It could’ve been him who made her forget the pain and not the pills, but instead he was sitting here feeling like helpless fool.
“You can’t keep beating yourself up. I know you made a promise, but sometimes things are just out of our control.” Nick said breaking Luke from his train of thought.