“I’ve never heard of a female serial killer,” he says.
“Well, even if she’s not a full-fledged murderer, she could be shady….She could have all kinds of skeletons you know nothing about.”
“I guess,” he says. “But the difference is…I’m not planning on impregnating Leslie anytime soon.”
“Not anytime soon, huh?” I say, my hands on my hips.
“Stop changing the subject,” Gabe says. “We’re not talking about me. We’re talking about you and your…capricious choice.”
“It’s not a capricious choice,” I say, although I can’t remember exactly what the word means.
“Okay,” he says, pulling a bag of hot dog buns out of the bread drawer. “Tell me again, then. One more time. What’s so special about Pete? Why him?”
“Why not?” I say, unable—or maybe just unwilling—to articulate my gut feeling about using Pete.
“That’s your answer?” He gives me an incredulous stare as he tosses a bun to me. I miss it, and watch it land on the kitchen floor.
“Yep,” I say. I pick it up and put it on my plate, deciding to go with the five-second rule. “That’s my answer.”
—
ON FRIDAY MORNING, after Gabe and I both call in sick to work, we walk into a nondescript Midtown office building for my appointment with Susan Lazarus. As we sit in the waiting room, I fill out endless forms, answering exhaustive questions about my medical history, while Gabe plays solitaire on his phone. At one point, I glance over his shoulder and read a text from Leslie that says: Where are you?
With Josie, he writes back, which both surprises me and piques my curiosity enough to covertly read the rest of the conversation, in real time: Oh. At lunch?
No. Just out and about.
Can you call me?
Can’t at the moment—but will in about 30?
Sure…Imy.
Out of the corner of my eye, I see him smile, then type: Imy2.
At this point, he catches me reading over his shoulder.
“Nosy,” he says, tilting his phone away from me, just as my name is called by a young woman in lavender scrubs.
I stand and look at Gabe. “You coming?”
“You want me to?”
“I want you to,” I say.
A moment later, we are ushered into a small office. A diminutive woman with a pixie cut sits behind a large, antique desk that seems too heavy and ornate for her. She stands and says, “Josephine?”
“Josie,” I say, nodding.
“Josie,” she repeats, giving me a warm smile. “Please come in. I’m Susan Lazarus.”
I like her immediately—perhaps because she uses her first name—and I smile back at her as we shake hands. “This is Gabe,” I say.
She nods, shakes his hand, then tells us to please take a seat, gesturing to the chairs across from her desk.
“So,” she says brightly, “what brings you here today?”
“Well, um, I want a baby,” I say, overcome by a sudden rush of excitement.
She gives me an even wider smile, then says, “Well, you’ve come to the right place….So tell me, Josie, have you been trying to conceive?”
I shake my head and say, “No. Not at all. I’m not married….I’m single….I want to use a sperm donor.”
She nods, completely unfazed. “Perfect,” she says, then turns to Gabe. “And will you be donating your sperm?”
“Nope,” he says. “I’m just here for moral support.”
“That’s wonderful,” she says. “And so very important given Josie’s journey ahead.” She turns back to me and says, “Have you thought about your donor?”
“Yes,” I say. “I’ve been reading and researching quite a bit.”
“Good,” she murmurs, nodding. “And tell me about that.”
“Well. I’ve read a lot about sperm banks…women who have gone that route. Children who were conceived that way…and I don’t have a problem with it….I get that it’s more straightforward, with fewer strings attached…but I just think that I’d like to use…acquaintance sperm,” I say, exchanging a look with Gabe.
“You mean the sperm of an acquaintance?” she asks with a calm poker face.
“Yes. A guy I’ve recently met. I guess you could call him a friend,” I say. “Do you think that’s a bad idea?”
“I think this is entirely a personal decision. A very personal decision.”
Gabe makes an exasperated sound and says, “But aren’t there a lot of risks to doing this with some guy she barely knows?”
“There are pros and cons to every reproductive scenario,” Dr. Lazarus replies. “We believe in helping women make a choice that is right for them…and supporting that choice, both medically and legally. We have a family law practice we work closely with….They can help you draw up a contract that works for you. And of course we would handle the insemination in the office.”