We change the subject after that, to lighter topics, pretending that nothing happened, the way we often do after even our biggest rifts. Maybe it’s a form of denial. Maybe it’s the best way when two people are as different as Meredith and I are. Then again, maybe it’s just our odd way of expressing love and forgiveness, which are often one and the same.
As the others arrive, and we are seated—at the same round table by the fireplace where we sat with Daniel and Sophie fifteen years before, to the very hour—I feel certain that this last theory is the correct one. That it all comes down to love. After all, it was love for Daniel that brought Nolan and Meredith together, and love that is making them try again. It is love for my family that makes me want to be a mother. And Gabe’s love that has given me the courage to make it happen.
After we order, and our waiter pours champagne for everyone but my dad, Harper, and me, we raise our glasses and toast the memory of Daniel. We share stories about our brother, son, friend. We cry and laugh and cry, until at one point, Meredith puts her hand on mine and whispers, “Go on. Tell them your news….”
And so I do, with Gabe’s help, feeling as scared as ever about the uncertain journey ahead, but also at peace. I know by now that you can’t control your life, no matter how hard you try. That inevitably people leave and disappoint and die. But there is one constant, one thing you can always count on: that not only does love come first, but in the end, it is the only thing that remains.
For Suzy, with love
And in memory of Bob Gipe
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
More than anything, this book is about family and the sacred sibling bond. From my earliest memories and throughout my life, I have been so fortunate to have Sarah Giffin by my side. There isn’t a kinder, more supportive sister anywhere.
I am eternally thankful for my amazing mother, Mary Ann Elgin. She instilled in me not only my love of stories but also my keen interest in relationships, in all their messy glory. I would not be the person or writer I am today without her.
Nancy LeCroy Mohler has painstakingly dissected virtually every line of my eight novels. She was the first to meet Rachel and Darcy back in the fall of 2001 and the last to analyze Josie and Meredith, and I’m so grateful for her true friendship and tireless reads.
I am indebted to my editor, Jennifer Hershey, for her compassion and clear-eyed wisdom, as well as her so generously sharing her own motherhood story with me.
Many thanks, also, to my fabulous team at Random House for their energy, creativity, and professionalism, especially Gina Centrello, Kara Welsh, Kim Hovey, Scott Shannon, Matt Schwartz, Theresa Zoro, Susan Corcoran, Jennifer Garza, Kate Childs, Sanyu Dillon, Debbie Aroff, Kesley Tiffey, Melissa Milsten, Denise Cronin, Toby Ernst, Paolo Pepe, Belina Huey, Loren Noveck, Victoria Wong, Anne Speyer, Cynthia Lasky, Allyson Pearl, and the entire sales force.
I can’t imagine writing a book—or introducing it to my readers—without Stephen Lee. Publicist, reader of every draft, and confidant, Stephen has done it all since I began my journey in publishing.
Enormous thanks to my assistant, Kate Hardie Patterson, for her diligence, loyalty, and extraordinary gift for making everything around her a bit brighter and more beautiful.
I thank my incomparable agent, Theresa Park, for being both nurturing and tough—and for believing in me even when I doubt myself. Thanks also to Emily Sweet, Abby Koons, and the whole Park Literary team, as well as my website designer, Mollie Smith.
I am grateful to my wonderful father and stepmother, Bill and Kristina Giffin; my loving extended family; and all my readers and friends, near and far, old and new. A special thank-you to those in my inner circle who made specific contributions to the birth of this book: Julie Portera, Allyson Jacoutot, Jennifer New, Jeff MacFarland, Martha Arias, Glenn Saks, Lisa Ponder, and Steve Fallon.
And finally, endless gratitude to my inner, inner circle: Buddy, Edward, George, and Harriet. You are a daily reminder that love always comes first.