“A couple of weeks ago, I sat right here in purgatory with Till. He was a mess, freaking out when he found out that it might be genetic.”
“I wasn’t freaking out,” I mumbled to myself.
“You were freaking out,” she replied, making my eyes go wide.
“What?” Quarry questioned.
“I mean, um, earlier,” she said, covering up our conversation. “You were freaking out . . . just like your brother. You know, you and Till have a lot in common. Maybe, instead of being pissed at him, you should talk to him. There’s no magical solution for this, but it can’t hurt to have your big brother beside you on this journey.” She spoke the truth. She always did. Even when I was too stupid to recognize it.
Since I had been busted, there was no use hiding anymore. I walked around the corner of the building to find Quarry facing away from me. His head was resting in her lap, his hands awkwardly holding the sketchpad I had left on her window. It was a position I had perfected years earlier.
She was drawing long, fast strokes I immediately recognized as eyelashes. She didn’t look up as she lifted the hand that was buried in his hair and waved me away. I stood still for a second, reliving the moment when I first found out about my diagnosis. Eliza was the only thing that had held me together then too—and honestly, every day after that. It was only the promise of Eliza that kept the world from falling apart when, every single day, I was faced with overwhelming adversity.
I can’t lose that.
I knew what she wanted, because it was the exact same thing I’d have killed to have with her. But there are few things in life that trump the fear of losing your soul mate. I wouldn’t allow the desire to consume her to be one of them.
We were good at friends. We could leave it at that.
We had to.
I sulked back around the corner and listened to the two of them talk some more. As the intensity of the conversation decreased, so did the volume of their voices until I eventually lost purchase on their words.
I was content with the knowledge that she was still with him though. If there were one person in the world who could mend Quarry’s wounds, it was her.
Always her.
It must have been at least an hour later when they rounded that corner. I immediately found my feet. Quarry was startled to see me, and while Eliza sucked in a deep breath, it wasn’t from surprise.
“Hey.” I dusted off my jeans.
“What are you doing?” he asked, drying his red eyes.
“I was waiting for you.” My mouth told Quarry, but my words were for Eliza.
She rolled her eyes and looked away, but not before I saw the moisture glisten from behind her lashes.
“Sorry. For you know . . .” Quarry trailed off weakly, snapping my attention back to him.
“Don’t worry about that. We’re good.” I grabbed the back of his neck and pulled him against my chest. He was far too much of a man to hug me back, but he didn’t fight me either. “I swear to God I’ll make this okay for you. I can’t fix it, Q. But I will make it okay.” I felt his shoulders softly quake, and it was all I could do to keep mine from joining him.
“I’m going to bed,” he announced, quickly walking away.
I stared at Eliza while we listened to his footsteps as he made his way upstairs.
Just before the door to my apartment shut, he called out, “Thanks, Eliza.”
“Anytime, Q,” she replied, holding my gaze.
“Can we talk?” I asked her.
“I don’t know. Can we?” She smacked the sketchpad against my chest.
“I miss you. I really need you right now, Doodle.” I took a step toward her, but she stepped out of reach.
“Well, you know where I’m at, Till.” She shoved her door open and backed into her apartment. “You want to come inside?” She tilted her head.
We both knew what it would mean if I crossed that threshold. Even above my ridiculous superstitions, it would mean forever.
“Doodle, please.”
“That’s what I thought.” With the flip of her wrist, she swung the door shut—once again.
“Shit.” I fisted my hair.
I dragged myself back to my room. As soon as I crashed into bed, I opened the sketchpad. I knew what I would find, but I would have given anything for it to be her softly curved eyes inside instead of my own.
But I was wrong on both accounts.
Quarry’s were the first to meet me, followed by Flint’s a few inches below. It was pages upon pages of the boys’ eyes with a few of my own scattered throughout.
It sucked for me to not have her, but I’d completely forgotten that she was all alone.
“You can see them any time you want, you know. Even if you don’t want to see me. You don’t have to ask,” I said out loud, knowing she could hear me. “How about tomorrow? You can pick them up from the gym and I’ll make an excuse why I have to stay later so you can just hang out for a few hours.”
She didn’t reply.
“Not me. Just them.”
Her emotion-filled voice broke the silence. “Okay.”