“But you’ve always wanted to get into Berkeley,” I say quietly.
“I know,” he says, “but we’ll be two thousand miles apart if I choose to stay in California.” He forks up another bite of his ravioli and takes a minute to swallow, reaching for his drink and taking a quick swig. Slowly, he leans forward. “I’ve been looking into Northwestern,” he tells me. “The economics major there is meant to be great, and you wanna know what the best part is?” He pauses, not because he’s expecting an answer but because he wants to grin at me. “It’s in Evanston. Only twenty miles away from the University of Chicago.”
I rest my eyes on the flower in the center of the table, taking in its brightness as I try to process what Dean’s saying. He’s willing to give up his dream college so that we don’t have to be apart. That’s just Dean. He’s always been selfless, always been so considerate and willing to make sacrifices for the people he cares about. He could have started college last year, but he didn’t because his dad always wanted him to work at the garage. I know he likes the cars, but I also know how badly he wants to build a career in business. Yet he’s putting it on hold for another year, because he’s living the Carter family tradition first. He’s willing to apply for different schools because he doesn’t want us to be thousands of miles apart. “I think you should keep Berkeley on the cards,” I say, but I’m not looking at him. I’m still looking at the flower, still thinking.
“What’s the point?” Dean asks.
“It’s an amazing school.”
“So is Northwestern,” he points out, “and it’s right next to you.”
I glance up at him again now. Pushing my plate away from me, barely touched, I interlock my hands together on the table in front of me. “But you’ve always said you didn’t want to leave California.” I think Dean expected me to be thrilled at the idea of him potentially moving to Illinois next year, because his smile has slowly begun to fade. He frowns.
“Eden,” he says firmly, eyes crinkling at the corners as he locks his gaze with mine, “I already have to go a year without you. It’s almost a thirty-hour drive, but I could take trips over to Chicago every month, and you’ll be coming home for the holidays, and I could even get a second job so that I could come see you more often. But that’s for a year. I don’t think I can cope with that for four.”
“Dean.”
“That’s why when I go to college next year, I want to be near you,” he continues, ignoring me. He leans back in his seat, folding his arms across his chest as he grins again. “Hey, imagine that. You’ll be a sophomore and I’ll be a freshman. Talk about role reversal.”
If I was planning on staying with Dean, I think maybe I would be thrilled at the idea. However, it’s so hard to hear him talk about our future plans together when I know that there is no future for us, and I don’t think there’s anything I can possibly say right now to change his mind regarding college. When Tyler and I tell him the truth, I think that’ll change his mind. Then, I’m sure he’ll be keen on Berkeley again. He definitely won’t want to be anywhere near me.
“Dean,” I murmur. It hurts to look back at him, to see the way he looks at me with eyes bright and full of nothing but honesty and love. I wish I could look at him in the same way. He deserves that, and so much more. I do love him. Since we got together, there’s never been a time when I haven’t. It’s just that my heart belongs to Tyler. Letting Dean go is the right thing to do. “I love you,” I say. My eyes never leave his. In fact, I’m not sure if I’m even blinking. “You know that, right?”
Reaching across the table, he takes my hand in his, and as his smile reaches his eyes, he says, “Of course I do.”
And in that moment, I can do nothing but hope that he truly does.
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