“It does not matter now,” she interrupted.
“It does,” I argued, then took a deep breath. “I . . . for the longest time, I thought I loved you.” Mae dropped her gaze. “But I know now that I didn’t. Now I have Bella, I understand what love truly is. And it is not what I felt for you.” Guilt and humiliation ran thick in my veins. “You were my friend, and I stupidly threw it away. I’m . . . I’m so embarrassed about how I acted. If I could change it, if I could just go back, I wouldn’t be that way. I wouldn’t—”
Mae’s hand reached out to cover mine on the bed, cutting me off. I inhaled deeply, trying to calm my shot nerves. “Rider. It is done. I can see you have changed. But more than that, I see how you look at Bella. You never looked at me that way, and that is good. It is how it is all meant to be. I see that now.”
The heavy weight on my shoulders began to lighten some. Mae said, “Just promise me you will care for her like no other.” Her hand gripped mine tightly. “She has fought so hard for so long, Rider. From such a young age, she cared for us all. She was our most fierce protector. But it made her tired. So very tired, but she never stopped being there for us, loving us, being the mother we never had.”
My chest ached. I imagined Bella as a child, displaying the same tenacity she had when she protected me from the Hangmen. The thought almost made me break down. A broken laugh spilled from Mae’s lips. “She would tell us of the life we would one day have—free and with men who loved us for us, our souls, not our looks.” Mae wiped away a stray tear. “And she believed it so much, Rider. Then she died, or at least we thought she had died. In the dark of night, here at the compound, I would mourn the life she dreamed for us all, because we all achieved it and she did not. Little did I know that Bella was alive and fighting still—fighting to survive, then returning to New Zion to fight for those who could not fight for themselves.” Mae paused then tipped her head toward me. “And she fought for you. Fought for your life . . . fought so bravely for the man who has stolen her heart.” I swallowed back the lump in my throat. “But now it is time for her fight to end.” Mae took a breath. “It is time for her to lower her shield and finally be happy . . . it is time for her to have peace.”
I glanced away, blinking the water from my eyes. Mae got to her feet. “Bella is, and will always be, the very beat to my heart. She is the greatest treasure anyone could find,” she said. “And I am happy that it is you who showed her her worth. Because she is priceless, Rider. Truly priceless.”
Mae walked to the door. Just as she reached for the handle, I said, “I’m sorry, Mae. For what it’s worth, I’m so fucking sorry for it all.”
Mae glanced at me over her shoulder. “It is the past, Rider. We both now have the futures that were meant for us. It is time to keep our eyes forward, no looking back.”
I bowed my head in agreement., “You’re risking a lot coming here to see me. Styx won’t be happy if he catches you.”
Mae shrugged. “I needed to make sure you loved Bella as much as I needed you to.” Mae smiled, a pure, joyful smile. “And having Bella back has taught me to have more of a backbone. She has taught me to be stronger. Bella is the consummate rule breaker, but I now see some rules need to be broken.”
“That she is,” I said, picturing Bella’s beautiful face in my head. I felt the warmth infuse my muscles at the thought of her perfect eyes and mouth . . . at the way she looked at me.
Only me.
With uncensored love.
“You know, Rider?” Mae said. “We were good friends once. I feel that maybe, one day, we could be again.”
A familiar platonic smile graced Mae’s mouth and I replied, “Yeah . . . being your friend sounds good, Mae. Friends. All we ever should have been.”
Mae left the room, plunging it into a heavy silence. I stared at the ceiling, replaying what had just happened. It is time to keep our eyes forward, no looking back. Mae was right, I knew she was. There was no looking back for any of us now.
As my eyes closed, I tried to convince myself to follow her advice. It was easier said than done when your past was a heavy burden on your back. But I had to try.
For Bella, I had to just . . . try.
Some time later, I opened my eyes. I shifted on the bed as my muscles gradually woke up, hearing the family and friends of the Hangmen still having fun outside.
I groaned when I realized I needed a piss. I staggered to the bathroom, gripping onto my broken ribs. When I was done, I moved back toward the bathroom door and caught my reflection in the mirror above the sink. And I froze. I fucking froze, my heart dropping, when, in that second, I saw Judah’s face staring back.
For a brief moment, I had forgotten it all.
My pulse hammered in my neck and I fought to catch my breath as all the unwanted images of him came flooding to my brain. Exhausted, body weak, I leaned on the sink and closed my eyes. My arms shook with the rage that was settling within me. Judah. Fucking Judah. Even in death, he was still keeping me under his spell. Still polluting my mind . . . still ruining my fucking life.
I opened my eyes and looked back in the mirror. My jaw tensed as I stared myself down. I pulled back my hand and slammed it into the cabinet on the wall. The contents poured out as I smashed the door from its hinges. As I focused on breathing through the pain of my broken ribs, I saw something in the sink.
I picked up the black hair clippers and stared into the mirror. Judah and I had always had long hair. We had always had beards, just like Jesus and the disciples.
But I didn’t want to be anything like Jesus.
And I absolutely did not want to be like Judah.