Smiler just shrugged. Anger whipped in my veins. “I don’t wanna be in this clubhouse anymore. The brothers all fucking want me dead. And Bella never gets out of this fucking room. She never dares leave me in case one of them goes against the prez’s order not to kill me.”
Smiler nodded. “Damn good bitch you got there,” he said and closed the medical bag . . . the bag that used to be mine. Smiler had told me he’d taken over as the makeshift doctor when I left.
Another way I’d fucked him over.
I lay back down on the bed. “She’d have been better off without me.” I shook my head. “What the fuck kind of life will she have with me? Here? Styx won’t let me leave the property for fear that I’ll fuck y’all over again. Bella needs to be with her sisters, yet we’re gonna be living acres away from them because he also doesn’t wanna see my face near the club.” I took a deep inhale to calm myself down. “She’d have been better off if I’d died. Fuck, man, I wanted to die in that barn. Being spared just means I’ve got more time to live with all the fucking shit that’s happened, that I’ve caused.” I rubbed my eyes. “I don’t wanna sleep no more ‘cause the dreams come. And I can’t stand seeing Bella suffering as an outcast because of me when I’m awake.”
I sighed. “She should have fucking let me die.”
Silence met my words, until Smiler moved toward the door and said, “You don’t even know what you’ve got.”
I leaned up on my elbows to see him better. The brother looked pissed as all hell. “What?” I asked.
Smiler shook his head. “You. Bella. You have no fuckin’ idea how good you got it. Fuck the club. Fuck your psycho brother and the nightmares. Fuck the fact that Grace thought you were the prophet. What the hell does it matter when you got your life and a bitch that would fuckin’ die for you—literally? A hot bitch that fuckin’ worships the bastard ground you walk on. Why the hell care about anything else when you have that?”
I flinched at the venom in Smiler’s voice. “Fuck, Smiler,” I said and swallowed back my surprise.
He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. When he opened his eyes, he said calmly, “I’d give anythin’ to have that back. That kinda bitch who’d look at me like Bella looks at you. Who’ll give everythin’ up just to be with me. I don’t think you know what kinda fuckin’ blessin’ you got already. Yeah, you had a fucked-up life. But karma’s fuckin’ givin’ it back tenfold with Bella.”
I stared at Smiler, not knowing what the hell to say.
He turned his back to me. “I had it once, Rider. Took her for granted like you’re doin’ now with Bella,” he said. “And the stupid fuck that I am, I had no idea what she meant to me until she was dyin’ in my fuckin’ arms, her fadin’ eyes beggin’ me to fuckin’ save her. But I couldn’t, she was done. Now I’d give anythin’ just to have her fuckin’ look at me again. Like Bella looks at you. Just for one more fuckin’ day.”
“Smiler,” I said, “I didn’t know, I—”
“Well now you do. So don’t fuck it up . . . ‘cause then you’ll definitely pray that you’d fuckin’ died in that barn. Life’s real shit when you’re alone. Real fuckin’ shit.” Smiler left the room and shut the door.
I didn’t know how long I stayed just staring after him. I lay back down and thought about everything he’d said. Thought about the last few months. I thought about how I had avoided looking in the mirror.
I was a pussy. A fucking pussy. Because I couldn’t stand seeing Judah in my refection.
I didn’t know how the fuck to move on when literally everything about me reminded me of the person I wanted to forget most.
The sounds of the brothers and their wives or sluts came drifting from the bar. It was family day at the Hangmen. The sound of laughter and loud cheering filled every inch of space. While I was locked away to make sure no fucker touched me.
I closed my eyes, just trying to fucking breathe, when I heard the door click open and close. Annoyed at the unwanted intrusion, I opened my eyes, ready to ask whoever it was to leave. Then I froze.
Mae.
Silence stretched between us as she began walking toward my bed. I watched her the entire way, not knowing what the fuck to say. What was there to say? Guilt and a truckload of embarrassment flooded through me when I thought of what I’d done to her. What I’d put her through . . . the crazy fucking obsession I used to have with her.
Mae sat down on the chair beside my bed and looked straight into my eyes.
“Mae—” I began, but she suddenly held up her hand, cutting me off.
“No. Please, let me speak,” she said softly. I nodded my head. Mae glanced down at her hands on her lap. “Just tell me you love her.” I tensed as those words left her mouth. When I didn’t immediately respond, Mae looked up. “I need to know that you want her, heart and soul. I need to know that you love her completely. Forever. I need to know that she is your everything and always will be.”
My racing heart pumped the blood around my body at a breakneck speed. “Yes.” My voice came out raspy and broken. I cleared my throat, feeling heat flood my cheeks. “I love her more than anything, Mae. You have no idea how much.” I searched my head for the right words “I have waited my entire life to feel whole. I thought it would come with my ascension. Instead it came with her. From the minute I heard her voice . . . I was changed.” I lifted my hand and placed it over my heart. “I would die for her. I would do anything for her. You have my word.”
Mae’s blue eyes shimmered and a small smile pulled on her lips. Unable to leave anything unsaid, I rasped, “Mae.” I shook my head in shame. “What I did to you, how I treated you—”