“They love the guy and struggle with how to reconcile how he’s acting with who they think he is. They can’t figure out how their once kind, gentle and loving partner now is the man who batters her. They want to believe him when he says he’s sorry, that the abuse will never happen again, that things will be better when he gets the promotion, sells the house, or his mom’s health improves.”
Had Shelly been battered by her killer? Cindy wondered. Did she work in the Shelter because she needed refuge as well? Was this a deeply ingrained pattern in her life, and if so, how did that fit in to her relationship with Mattheus? All kinds of questions began stirring around Cindy’s mind.
“Many abused women feel they deserve the abuse, or have done something wrong that warrants it. This is a myth the abuser perpetuates. He makes her believe that if she were better, hadn’t done that awful thing, changed in ways that pleased him, he wouldn’t have to abuse her. He creates guilt and low self-esteem in the victim. Those with low self-esteem feel they deserve what they get. This keeps them trapped in deadly relationships.”
Cindy could not help but wonder how this applied to herself. She’d been the victim of low self-esteem in relationships for years, until she’d met Clint. The men she’d gone out with then hadn’t been good for her either. It seemed like a vicious cycle anyone could easily get trapped in. Could it be possible that Cindy was inadvertently repeating this again with Mattheus?
Maria went on - “Verbal blows and physical assaults along with deprivation of sleep, food, water, medication, slash a woman’s self-esteem until she begins to think, if I just had dinner on the table at 5 p.m., he wouldn’t have had to hit me. This psychological warfare destroys her identity so that she believes it’s true when he says you’re stupid and crazy. She believes it when she threatens if you ever leave, I will find and kill you - I’ll kill your family, kids and pets. If you leave, that’s abandonment, and the courts will never let you see the kids again!”
Had Shelly been living in a trap like that? Is that why she ran away from Mattheus and lived down here all these years?
“The biggest danger is where the victim once thought she didn’t deserve this kind of treatment, she slowly comes to believe that her abuser is right. She identifies with him. Like prisoners of war and concentration camp survivors, she take sides with her batterer to survive. This is the Stockholm Syndrome that many of you are aware of.”
The atmosphere in the room now grew heavy and silent. Few rustled in their seats anymore. It seemed as if they were hearing about a national epidemic that was brewing under the surface of everyone’s life. Vigilance was needed. Cindy felt afraid.
“The main key to a victim’s freedom is finding someone to believe and value her, to bring information and reality in,” said Maria emphatically, like a one woman rescue team. “When no one believes a battered woman, when her assailant isn’t arrested, when she is criticized and scrutinized, it opens the road to his tracking her down and killing her, like a piece of meat.”
Cindy felt as if she were sitting in a war zone, and was on the first line of defense. Had all of this something to do with Shelly’s death? Cindy almost felt as if she were sitting in for Shelly now, was absorbed in the world she’d worked in, involved with the man she’d been married to. A sense of hopelessness began to come over Cindy. She’d come onto the scene when it was too late for Shelly, but there were so many others out there who it wasn’t too late for.
“We have to revolutionize our thinking and get rid of the notion that to be a real man is to be violent and aggressive, or to be a real woman is to be submissive. We have to look and see the ways in which society condones, supports and gives permission for battering,” Maria seemed to be able to talk indefinitely.
Cindy looked at the audience out of the corner of her eyes and suddenly felt unbearably sad. Many women sat there listening, their heads in their hands. They had gone through this themselves and were now trying to come out of it, to re-build their lives. Shelly had dedicated her life to helping them. Now, she herself turned up dead. There had to be some connection. And her death had to be shattering for the women as well.
Maria stepped back from the edge of the stage and looked out at the audience. Cindy felt for a moment as though she were looking straight at her.
“We at the Shelter really appreciate your coming and learning more about what we are doing here. Thank you for your support and participation. Everyone is needed. Please help us. We need you. We cannot fight this plague alone.”
CHAPTER 12