Damaged and the Knight (Damaged #2)

As soon as I caught my breath, Judd rolled us over and thrusted harder into me. I held onto his forearms and stared into his faded blue eyes filled so much hunger and fear. He wanted to say things he would never say. Unable to share those feelings, he just fucked me hard and deep.

Judd was close to coming, but he held back. Maybe fearing that as soon as he finished inside me that I would leave him, he refused to relent. I took the choice away by caressing my clit and orgasming. All of those tightening muscles around him proved to be too much and Judd finally gave in. Out of breath over me, he wrapped me in his arms and held me still. Feeling all of that fear radiating off him sent me into a panic.

“Get off,” I whimpered while pushing at him until he rolled onto his side and I broke free.

Sitting up, I stared into his eyes and all of the pain I felt those last days came rushing forward. Sobbing now, I wrapped my arms around my body, soothing myself like I did when Farah wasn’t around to comfort me.

“I though you were done with me. Like you saw I was no good and ditched me. I was so ashamed that I couldn’t make you stay. I hated myself for being so foul that you wouldn’t even say goodbye.”

Judd caressed my head as I wept. “It never occurred to me that you would think it was over. I know that seems stupid, but I just assumed you knew how I felt. To me, I’m so different with you and my feelings are obvious. Yet, you don’t know me and what I thought was obvious wasn’t. I fucked up, babe, but you did nothing wrong.”

“I’m a loser. I’ve always known that, but I had Farah to love me. I thought that was enough, but now I want you. These last few days, I imagined you with other women and laughing about how fucking stupid and horrible and filthy I am.”

Judd wrapped me up in his arms and pulled me against him. “You have to stop thinking those things about yourself.”

“I try, but they make sense.”

“Lies often sound good, but they’re still lies.”

Leaning my head against him, I settled my sobs. “I never dreamed of anything special for myself. While Farah dreamed of college, I dreamed of Arby’s. I’ve always aimed low, so I wouldn’t be disappointed, but I really wanted you.”

“You have me.”

“I didn’t know that though.”

“I fucked up,” he whispered, soothing me until my tears stopped and I rested quietly against him. “I assumed you knew. That was fucking stupid.”

Nuzzling his jaw with my lips, I sighed. “I want to be strong, but I’m not. I fell apart when you left. I wouldn’t have done that, if I knew you were coming back. Still, a strong person shouldn’t fall apart so easy.”

“Seeing you right now, feeling so bad and knowing it’s my fault, is making me weak too. No one can be strong all the time.”

“I missed you,” I whimpered. “I wanted you to give me another chance.”

Wrapping me tighter in his arms, Judd sighed. “When I’m with you, I feel like a different kind of man. I feel better than I’ve ever felt, but that kind of man isn’t any good for my kind of work. A man with all that need in his heart can’t do what needs to be done. So I returned to the man who doesn’t feel. I know I hurt you by doing that, but it was what needed to be done for me to survive. My job won’t allow for mistakes just because my heart belongs to a beautiful angel. What I do for Cooper is about making people bleed before they do the same to us.”

I studied him for a moment. “You have to be cold to do your job.”

“When I’m working, I care about nothing. Not my life back here. Not my mom. Not about Vaughn when we work together. I don’t care about me either. I just turn it all off, so I won’t fuck up. That way, if Vaughn gets killed or I’m cornered, I won’t panic and feel too much shit and make things worse. Yeah, I’m cold, but with you, I can’t be that way. I might seem cold sometimes. Quiet or indifferent, but inside I’m crazy with everything I feel. It’s almost too much and I had to turn that off to work.”

“Can you at least text me next time before you turn it all off? Just let me know that you still want me.”

“That little thing really would have made a difference, wouldn’t it?”

Nodding, I caressed his face in desperate need of a shave. “I understand about your job. I can be patient when you’re working, but I need to know you want me.”

“I might not come back from my job one day.”

Shivering at the thought of Judd gone from the world, I cuddled closer. “I know, but it’s what you do.”

Judd turned my face to look at him. “I knew it was a mistake to get involved with you because I’m a cold man. You need a good man who can help you feel good about yourself. I see how fragile you are and how I hurt you without even fucking realizing it and I wish I had stayed away.”

“Are you ending things?” I said, shaking now.