“I had just enough time when I got back home for my leave to find out about them and that you were gone. No one knew where your grandparents lived. The best I got was that you were in some small town in the Carolinas and no one knew which one. It wasn’t for lack of trying, Princess. Please understand that. I just didn’t have the resources or the time to track you down. It got to the point where I started to feel like if you wanted to be found, you would let me know. Hell, a breadcrumb trail, flares, Bat-signal . . . I would have taken any of that.”
His attempt at humor misses the mark. I try to take in all this new information, all these facts that I haven’t once considered over the years. He wanted to find me? How is that? I left my address with June. She knew I wanted him to find me; she knew I was waiting on him. I can’t stand the anger that is slowly burning through my body. That fucking bitch!
“June!” I bark, getting off his lap and pacing around the large empty space of his kitchen. I turn back to look at him and notice the confused look blanketing his handsome face. I rush to explain. “That bitch, June. I gave her everything, Axel. Every-fucking-thing that you would need to find me. My grandparents’ address in North Carolina, their phone numbers, and I wrote letters, so many fucking letters. When the ones to the base started coming back, I started writing them to June’s house. I figured if there was any way for you to get them, it would be when you came home. Oh my God, Ax! All this time. All this fucking time. You have no clue, no fucking clue what that bitch kept from us, what she told me.” My fury is a palpable thing, filling the room with its thickness and completely eclipsing the sadness that had preceded it. I am forced to stop my frantic pacing when I feel the unyielding bands of Axel’s hands close around my biceps.
“Princess, stop,” he says softly, pulling my back to his chest and closing his arms over my chest. “I can’t fix this if you don’t tell me what has you freaked out.”
I pull out of his hold and turn around to look into his eyes. I have to look into his eyes. Be able to judge where his mind is right now.
The only thing I see is confusion and maybe, hopefully, a little love.
“Do you have any idea how much I needed you? When my parents died, you were the only thing that would take that pain away, but you weren’t there. I was okay with that. Please know I never would hold that against you.” I rush to explain when I see the look that crosses his face. “I was so proud of you, Axel. Not a day went by, even through all that pain, that I wasn’t so proud of you.” He reaches up and brushes the tear that leaks from my eye. “I had so much going on the week after they died. I was hurting, lost, alone . . . I felt completely adrift with no anchor. Gram and Pop, they were good people and they loved me, but they lost too and suddenly had a depressed teenager to deal with. Sometimes I wonder if they just didn’t know what to do with me, but they tried. I had a week. One week to pack my things up and leave. Pop couldn’t leave things back home for too long and Gram didn’t want to be away. She hated traveling. That’s why you never met her.”
I walk away from him and over to the window that faces the lake, now dark with the soft glow of the moon reflecting in its rippling water. “I made sure I ran by June’s to bring her everything you would need. I didn’t know who else to give it to. You hadn’t been gone long enough to let me know how to contact you. The only thing I had was the base you were going to be stationed at.” A sob tears up my throat and interrupts my retelling. “I—I w-w-as so st-stupid,” I cry.
I turn around to face him and find him right behind me, arms stretched wide and waiting. I rush into his hold and let my sadness flow. I let him be my rock, the rock I have needed for so long.
I bring my arms around his back, pull him as close as I can get. I feel his lips against my hair, his chest rising and falling rapidly and his heart racing beneath my ear.
“Baby . . . Jesus. I wish I would have known. I wish I would have been there. You’re killing me, fucking slicing me open right now. Look at me, Izzy,” he says, leaving no room for argument.
I look up into his pleading eyes.
“I would have dropped everything to save you from any ounce of pain. If it is within my reach to do that now, know that I will never fucking let pain touch your heart, baby. It kills me to know how easy it was for the world to rip us apart. For years, baby. I have spent years thinking you left me. That you chose to leave me. God . . .” He trails off and leans down to capture my lips.
This kiss is like nothing we have shared since coming back to us. This kiss is full of the sadness of what we have lost but with the promise of what we will have. His lips make love to mine.
“Not one day went by, Izzy, that my heart didn’t belong to you. To this day, there has only been one woman who has and will ever hold it. Fuck, baby, but the love I have for you is so fucking strong sometimes, I wonder if it will crush me,” he whispers when he breaks the kiss to pull me tight against his chest.
I still with his words. Love? I know how I feel about him, but the shock of hearing him say it to me is overwhelming. He can’t love me. Not yet. Not without knowing everything.