His hand flexes slightly on my shoulder, but when I look over, he nods tensely for me to continue.
“I know that my father is the seed that started my fear of men and growing relationships. There wasn’t a single relationship that I had that wasn’t a way for someone to get closer to my father and family money. That helped that belief that men do nothing but change after they get what they want. Dr. Maxwell says that since I hadn’t had any positive male relationships until my twenties and my friendship with Greg, that it makes sense that I have some asinine belief that all men will change.” I shift my body so I can look into his eyes. I need to see him and make sure he understands this next part. “Please know that I see this now. I really do. I know that I was projecting my fears onto you, but they were so deeply integrated that I don’t think I would have been able to just shut them off, and you have no idea how sorry I am for that.”
He smiles sadly and takes my hands in his. “I know that, Baby. I never doubted that you were fighting something beyond your control.”
“God, I don’t deserve your understanding.”
“Hey, stop that. Don’t doubt your self-worth, not with me.” His tone leaves no room for argument and I nod my head.
“I’m learning that. Sometimes I feel like I’m completely lost because I have no idea what I’m doing here, but I can tell you aren’t like them. It’s just taken me a while. I shouldn’t have ever lumped you in with them.”
“Dee, we can only ever go off what we know, and you hadn’t ever seen anything that would make you believe that I wasn’t like those assholes.”
I sit there for a few more beats, gathering my strength for the next part. “Did I ever tell you that I was the one that introduced Brandon and Izzy?”
His eyes widen before he shakes his head.
“Yeah, that was me. I set up my best friend with the man who almost took her from me. I always wondered what would have happened if I hadn’t ever set them up. Until recently, it was nothing but guilt that would eat at me, but Izzy helped me realize that it wasn’t anything I could have known. I understand that now, but it isn’t any easier.”
“I really thought that he was one of the good guys.” I laugh weakly. “What a fool I was.”
He takes my hands again and waits for me to continue. “It took about a year into their marriage for me to realize how wrong I had been. She started pulling away and I saw less and less of her. I didn’t give up though; I kept calling and trying to come around. I think it had been a good week of my constant calls before it happened. I know I was being a pain in the ass, but I just wanted to talk to Izzy.”
I don’t realize I have zoned out until his hand squeezes mine almost painfully. I look up from where I’ve been staring at our hands. I have to close my eyes when I see the pain in his eyes. He knows this is about to get really ugly.
“It’s okay, Dee. I’m listening.”
“Are you sure you want to know the rest?”
He nods sharply and I sigh.
“I didn’t realize until recently, with Dr. Maxwell’s help, why I had such a hard time after all that stuff with Brandon went down. I knew I was pushing you away out of fear, but I couldn’t even understand it myself. You have to understand that I’ve never known a positive relationship with a man, so when you started getting close, I freaked out. You are so perfect on the outside that it terrified me beyond imagination that you could change just as easily as all the others.” I stop when he grunts, but he motions for me to keep going. “Right. So with that, you might understand a little better why his attack was the trigger for me. About two years into their marriage, he cornered me. I’ll spare you the gory details, but how I looked a few weeks ago? That’s close to how he left me, only he took it a lot further.”
He shoots off the couch, knocking his beer to the floor. I keep my eyes trained to the foaming liquid pouring out of the overturned bottle. I knew he would look at me differently, but it’s still painful to be right. Why would he want someone so fucked up?