I glare at him when his teasing tone hits me.
“Don’t poke fun at me, Beck. I know that I have no right to even be bothered by the thought, much less question you on it. I pushed you away and I get it, I do. But . . . I just want to know. I need to know.”
He doesn’t walk over to me, and I appreciate that he’s giving me some space here. My mind is a jumbled mess of questions. On one hand, I know without a doubt that this is where I’m meant to be. I don’t fear that he will change anymore, but I’m still afraid of the unknown. I know now that this is normal with any relationship, but it’s still there. Knowing that I’ve pushed this man away for so long, regardless of what I’ve had going on in my head, is what kills me. I wouldn’t even fault him if there had been someone else.
“Look at me, Dee, and I mean really look at me.” He gives me a second, and I just look into his eyes, waiting for his next words. “The day your drunk ass went on and on about how chocolate is better than sex, you had me hooked. It was never a question of whether or not you were it for me. I knew. You might have pushed me away physically, but I didn’t really go anywhere, and if you think about it long enough, you know I didn’t leave you. Even if we hadn’t had the handful of nights together during all this time apart, there was no way I would have even been able to get it up for another woman. Not when my heart has always been yours. So no, Dee, there hasn’t been anyone else, and there won’t be anyone else. This is the longest we’ve ever gone without falling into each other, and I can wait as long as it takes for your head to catch up with your heart.” He smiles and it isn’t a smile of sadness. It’s one of acceptance. And right then and there, I know without a doubt that I don’t deserve this man, but I’ll fight like hell to be worthy of the love he’s offering.
“For what it’s worth, it’s only been you for me, too.” I echo his words back at him. His smile gets even bigger before he finishes setting the table.
A comfortable silence fills the air, and after sitting down and starting our meal, he clears his throat. I look up, expecting the question I’ve known was coming, but not sure I’m ready to answer. “How did it go with Izzy today?” He finishes cutting a piece of his chicken, but pauses with it halfway to his mouth when he sees the nervousness take over my face. Telling Izzy what Brandon had done to me had been a painful conversation, but it will pale in comparison to how gutting it will be to tell Beck.
I think I’ve always known that he would be the hardest one for me to tell. I have had a very real fear that he would look at me differently if he knew everything that had played a part in keeping me from him. Like he would think I’m damaged goods, tainted, unworthy. Things would have been a lot easier if I hadn’t been afraid to tell him. I took a while, but now I can tell that he would have helped me get over it back then and still would’ve loved me.
“It wasn’t easy.” He nods his head and waits for me to continue. “I think that was one of the hardest conversations I will ever have in my life.”
“How did she take it?”
“Better than I thought she would. She’ll be okay because it’s Izzy.”
He smiles, returning to his meal for a few bites. We both know how strong Izzy is now, and since she has Axel standing by her side, I know she’ll be able to move past this and not have it affect us.
In a way, having the strength to tell Izzy is what gives me the strength to have this conversation with Beck.
“I would like to tell you what we talked about, if that’s okay.” I rush the last part out so that I don’t wuss out before I finish.
He stops what he’s doing, sets his fork down, and gives me his full attention. “I’m done eating if you want to talk now.” His eagerness helps give me the final push to talk. He’s been waiting for this moment since I closed myself off and pushed him away. Patiently waiting for me to open up.
“Why don’t we get everything cleaned up, and then go sit somewhere and have a drink. I think you’re going to need it.” I stand up and do my best to ignore the worried look across his face.
I smile when I walk into the kitchen with our dishes, because I know, with not one single shadow of doubt, that I’m ready to have this conversation. Not only that, but I finally can see with crystal clear clarity that, once I get this out, there won’t be anything left standing in our way.
CHAPTER 17
Dee
I finished up cleaning up our dinner mess and walked out into the living room where Beck’s on the phone with his sister, Julie. The phone rang right when we finished up dinner, and even though he’s anxious to get our conversation rolling, he answered with a smile.