Guilt hits me and I know me confronting her about Dragon is not what she meant, but it is there regardless.
“I really am sorry Nic, I was stupid. If I could go back…I would…you know?”
“I told you to let it go. We survived and I know you wouldn’t have me hurt in a million years. Just from now on, talk to me about this shit and let’s act together please, not fly off, jump first and question later?”
“Yeah, I fucked up,” I say and the truth of that twists in my stomach—talk about understatement of the century.
“Yeah, you did,” she responds, though the tone of her voice is sweet and I know she’s not condemning me—even if I deserve it. “Dragon is good to me, Dani. He loves me and takes care of me. I wouldn’t want to live without him.”
I listen to her. I’m more than a little jealous. She sounds so happy and secure. What would that be like?
“So, I guess the next party at the club, claiming a woman will be yours and Dragon’s?”
“Oh girl, I think we’re way past that,” she laughs. “Dragon won’t let me out of the damn room unless I have the jacket on he had made for me. He wants the world to know I’m his.”
“You know, that sounds kind of barbaric. Having anyone speak of you as their property.” I say, because she told me about the leather vest that said Property of Dragon on the back of it.
“These bikers live in a different world. Besides, I like it. A man in this world doesn’t claim a woman unless he plans on keeping her. It’s a big deal and a huge step for them, because let’s face it, these boys don’t need a woman. They have women jumping in their beds left and right. For them to want to tie themselves to one woman? That’s all about pride and respect for the women they care about.”
I listen to her words and Zander’s face pops in my mind. He wanted me there tonight. He said I was his woman. He wanted to show me off. My heart speeds up. I bite my nails as I listen to everything she says and in my mind relate it to me and Zander. Is that what he thinks about us? After just a month really? Is that even possible?
“I thought Nikki and Freak hadn’t known each other that long?”
Nicole laughs, “Girl please! Don’t you remember how Dragon took over my life from day one? Moss doesn’t grow under these boys’ feet.”
I think about it. Honestly, it’s true. They really haven’t been together that long. If I am important to Zander…if he really means that I’m his woman…maybe…I mean I could swing by for thirty minutes or so, right? I could make it that long without doing something stupid. I hear Michael’s voice in my head telling me how pathetic and idiotic I am… I tap it down. I definitely need to go to a meeting. It’s time I start trying to make a life for myself. Michael thinks I’m dead. Zander doesn’t need to know.
“I…I might drop by the club tonight, after my meeting…” I tell her, and I can hear the nerves in my voice. When Nicole answers, I can tell she hears them too.
“I’d love that, and it’ll be okay I promise. Dragon will behave.”
She thinks I’m worried about the club’s reaction to me, since the shooting. Truth is, they’ve all pretty much made me aware of how they feel about me. I kind of agree with them, so I’m okay with it. Just the thought of being around so many men…I’ve never allowed that to happen. Add that in with being around crowds…that’s a recipe for a panic attack. If I go to a meeting first? Could I do it? Or would a meeting and the memories it brings up make it worse? Shit.
“You still there, Dani?”
“Yeah, just thinking. I’m…going to try and go to a meeting.”
“That’s good honey, you want me to go with you?”
“Nah, Dragon would flip if you try and go out.” I don’t mention with me, but I think that’s pretty clear. “I’ll swing by when I’m done.”
“I’m proud of you Dani, I know it’s hard.”
She does know. She just has no idea how hard, but then again she doesn’t know the entire story. She never will.
“Talk to you later, bitch. Take care of yourself and listen to Dragon, take it easy. I need you healthy, please?”
“Will do, mommy. Can’t wait to see you.”
“Later, woman,” I say hanging up. I stare at my phone for a few more minutes, wondering if I’m doing the right thing. I’m probably deluding myself. With my history I don’t think I could hope for a normal life, but if I could have Zander…could continue the last month…Maybe if I can manage to stay in therapy and do better I might be able to keep him…longer.
That thought is what pushes me to get moving. I will do this. I will clean up and go to a meeting and even set up more. I’ll drop by the party and make Zander happy. I will do this. I can do this.
Chapter 16
Crusher