****
Derrick found me later that night. I was practicing my pain casting in a clearing with Paige’s supervision. The guards at the camp’s perimeter stood silently beyond. Most of the squad had gone to bed.
The evening’s drills had been especially awkward. I knew Ian had told Lief our earlier conversation over dinner because when I arrived everyone had seemed especially uneasy. It was the quietest practice any of us had had.
Derrick waited until I had lowered the stump to the ground; my magic was still growing.
“Doesn’t that hurt?” He pointed to my arm as I withdrew the small, serrated blade. Master Byron had made us pain cast with a variety of weapons, but the knife was still my favorite for practice.
I held a cloth in place as Paige wrapped it around the top of my forearm. Sir Gavin expected us in top health at all times in the event of an attack, but I usually waited until the last possible minute to seek out a healer. I was determined to become as accustomed to pain as possible.
I rolled my shoulders. “Every bit hurts.” But a high tolerance will give me an edge in battle. I studied his anxious expression. “Why did you really come here, Derrick?”
“I overheard Ian at dinner while you were away.” His face grew serious. “Ryiah, it’s a mistake to withdraw from the rest of our unit.”
Not him too. I scowled at my brother. Derrick had always taken my side in everything. Hearing him turn away now was something I couldn’t take. Not willingly.
“Derrick.” Tears were stinging my eyes. “I tried. You saw how hard I was trying before I left. I even brought all that coin from the Crown. But now they want me to waste my time making friends? The same people who want nothing to do with me?”
“I’m sorry, Ry.” Derrick scuffed at the ground with his boot. “I just don’t want them thinking the Crown has changed you. You are so much more than your title, and I just want you to give them a chance to see it.”
“Who are the ones who are doing all of this ‘talk?’”
“The names aren’t important—”
“It was Jacob, wasn’t it?” As soon as I said it I knew I was right just from the look on his face. “You know, your friend has done nothing but scowl since the two of you arrived. I would hardly consider him an expert on human relations.”
Derrick bristled. “Jacob lost his mother to a Caltothian raid, Ry. And if you must know it wasn’t just him. Everyone thinks you prioritize your training over the good of the regiment.”
It took everything I had to keep my voice to an outraged whisper. “How is my training a bad thing? I am the best mage here –my power helps them!”
“We are supposed to be a unit, but you are looking out for yourself!” he countered. “Ry, the majority of our time is spent away from battle. One of the first things a soldier learns in the Cavalry is to get to know his comrades. Relationships are instrumental to trust—and you haven’t bothered to build up any since you arrived. You perform your duties and that’s it.” He lowered his voice. “The only people you ever bother to talk to are your friends in Combat or Paige—and forgive me for saying it, but she is just as isolated as yourself.”
Paige shot my brother a glare as I snapped, “People have far too much time on their hands if they are complaining I am not friendly enough.”
“It’s the reason Ray was promoted before you.” Derrick met my eyes. “The orders came straight from Sir Gavin himself.”
After… after all I’ve done for this place. Last year’s attack and the bandit raids and the Crown’s coin, and I’m the best mage in my unit and it still isn’t enough. Commander Nyx tells me over and over how impressed she is, but she lets my squad commander promote someone else. All because I don’t try to make friends with the people who talk behind my back.
For once, I didn’t speak. My lungs burned and months of frustration were fighting to break their way to the surface. I kept trying to swallow, and all I got were sharp, angry gasps that seemed to build with each breath. That moment you are so angry you could barely breathe? I felt betrayed. I was sick to my stomach, and all I could think was that everyone hated me and once again I was that insecure first-year trying to prove herself to the world.
Would it be enough? Would anything I did ever be enough?
My brother drew forward but I raised my hand.
“Ryiah—”
“Go, Derrick.” I exhaled slowly. “Just go.”
His shoulders slumped and my stomach hurt. I watched my brother retreat wondering if I should have let him stay. Derrick was only looking out for me. He always had my best interests at heart.