"No."
"Okay then. So, what's happening with loverboy, anyway?"
I sat on my bed and shrugged. "Nothing much. I'm just meeting him in person as Cat, in order to expose myself as Catelyn."
She shrieked. "What? Oh my God, that's huge! And about damn time, too! When? We need to go shopping for the perfect dress!"
"Tomorrow night. We're meeting at a restaurant in town. Imagine how surprised we were to discover we lived near each other!"
"Ha! Right! Okay, we have to go tonight. Studying can wait. Let's go." She pulled me from my bed and handed me my purse and jacket. "Time's a-wasting."
That night I got waxed, plucked, polished, and buffed, and obtained a new dress that would, according to Bridgette, make him forget everything but his "immediate need to fuck me."
As we sipped coffee, bags spread around us, I stared aimlessly at the scenery.
Moonbeams danced on crystal flakes of snow and ice still clinging to the trees. The nearly full moon reflected off the street like something full of dreams and magic.
"If he doesn't hate me, if he can forgive me for lying to him, then we will have sex. I will have real,live,in—person, body-on—body sex for the first time. I'm nervous, Brig."
"Don't be." She blew into her coffee and sipped. "Once the initial sting is over, it's the most amazing thing ever with a guy who knows what he's doing, and I'm sure Ash does."
"Not about the pain. About the emotions. I'm already ridiculously in love with this guy, and we've only ever had phone sex. How will it be when we are finally together for real? What if this isn't as serious for him as it is for me?" God, I sounded like such a girl.
"Ash is clearly serious about you."
"Maybe. But Cat or Catelyn? I just want to be seen, you know? For someone to look into my soul, for someone to see into the darkest parts of who I am, and to love and accept all those parts, unconditionally. We all crave that witness, that other to see us and bear witness to our lives, as we witness theirs. That shared journey seems more significant now than I ever thought it would be. But he doesn't see me, not really. He sees two separate girls."
"Has it occurred to you," she asked, "that the Cat you are when you're with him is a part of the real you? That he sees Catelyn and Cat, and because he sees both, he's seeing more of the real you than you've ever showed anyone else?"
Chapter Twenty Nine
Peppermint Memories
I COULD HAVE swallowed a beehive full of angry bees and my stomach would have been more relaxed than it was right now. My dress, which had felt like wearing clouds the night before, now felt like wearing sandpaper. I could swear my shoes had shrunk overnight. My mascara wanted to mark every part of my face except my eyelashes.
Finally Bridgette banned me from my make-up and took over, doing my hair in a French twist with curly ringlets around my face. She gave my eyes a sexy, smoky look, and polished my lips to match my nails—fuck-me-red.
The black spaghetti—strap dress clung to me like a second skin. I breathed deeply, terrified I was making the biggest mistake of my life, but knowing that I had to do this. I couldn't lie to him anymore.
Bridgette hugged me and dropped her car keys into my hand. "Be safe. Call me if you need me. And have fun!" She winked and then shoved me out the door with my winter coat and purse.
I was grateful for the coat. At least I didn't look as underdressed as I felt.
The drive to the restaurant took too long and ended too soon. Time played tricks on me, and my sweaty hands left prints on the steering wheel.
What would he say when he saw me? Would he freak out? Would he be disappointed that I was there to ruin his date with Cat? Would he be happy to know the two women in his life were one and the same? I played through every scenario in my head of what could happen tonight, and most of them ended badly for us both.
Parking near the restaurant was nonexistent, and I walked a few blocks in impossibly high heels, arriving out of breath. Standing outside, I opened my coat and let the chill of winter air cool my body and calm my mind. I remembered as a child I loved sucking on a peppermint candy and riding my bike really fast, breathing in the cool air, to capture the feeling I had right then. The smell of peppermint and cold reminded me of this, of winter, and a sleeping world with a secret life growing under it, waiting for spring to come. And now, also of Ash, of the way his mouth tasted when he kissed me. And in that there is also something sleeping, something secret waiting to come alive once the snow melts.