Leaning my head on her shoulder, I whisper, "That night, I was thinking if I died that Darby could adopt Lula. She'd take better care of her and be a better mom. I'm a maid who can't give my baby anything."
Shay looks around the room as if searching for an escape. I know I'm dumping all my crap on her. Even though she's younger than me by a year, I always think of her as older. She has a man and is raising her little brothers. While she has her shit together, I'm a clueless twit.
"Look you loved your mom, right?" she asks and I nod. "Well she didn't give you the cookie-cutter life. She kept you instead of giving you up for adoption. Do you hate her?"
"No, but I want everything for Lula, and I can't even give her the basics. Look at how excited she is about a pink room."
"I'd have been excited too. The kids who aren't excited are used to getting whatever they want, and they don't turn out so great, you know."
"No," I say, thinking of something Pax said about Trigger's boys having silver spoons shoved up their asses. "I want to do right by my baby, but she's getting older and notices things she doesn't have. One day, she'll notice I'm not so smart, and I won't be able to help her with schoolwork. When she was a baby, I could pretend I hadn't screwed her by keeping her. The lies are more obvious now."
Shay hands me a tissue. "I can't give you advice that'll mean much, because I'm not a mom. I don't know how you feel, but I do know what it's like to feel responsible for someone else. How you get stuck between your needs and those of others. I left my brothers, and they suffered because I wanted more. I was selfish, but in the end, my selfishness benefited them. You never know how things will turn out."
"I guess. I mean, I can't go back and change how I kept her."
"Would you really want to?"
Shaking my head, I dry my cheeks. "That's why I feel bad. Even knowing what I do now, I would still keep her because I want her. She is the best person I've ever known, and she loves me."
"I don't believe in being jinxed. I don't think your family is destined for bad things. People do their best with what life hands them. Some people lose their way like my mom. Some people like your mom never dig their way out of a dark life. Others like you and me try our bests. Sometimes we suck, but I bet we'd suck just as much if we were rich. Stupid people tend to be stupid."
I smile at our shared stupidity. "I once lost my glasses and they were on my head."
Shay grins. "During our vacation, I couldn't find my engagement ring and freaked out for hours looking for it. Turns out, I'd just put it on another finger."
Laughing, I feel my mood improving. "It's not really funny that we're so dumb," I say, tossing the tissue.
"Are you kidding? It's fucking inspiring. If stupid chicks like us can make our lives better, just think what a smart kid like Lula can do."
Hugging Shay, I feel better when imagining my daughter getting out of Little Memphis. Lula will build a better life than any woman in my family has ever managed.
8
Pax
My Brother the Turd
Ford strolls over to me like his dick might be falling off from too much fucking. I consider kneeing him in the crotch, but don't make the move. Ford likely knows I'm gunning for him, so I'd never land a shot anyway.
"You must have done a lot of swimming," I mutter, studying his shoulder length brown hair. "You got a frizz going from the pool crap."
"It's called chlorine. Don't worry, brother, I used extra moisturizer," he says, stretching as if daring me to make my move. "Shay rubbed the conditioner into my hair. She's very thorough."
"It's like she's your mom."
Ford grins. "Trust me, she's not."
"I'm glad you had fun."
"The place has a bunch of waterslides. You'd have liked it. Next time, you should come."
"Maybe I will, if I'm invited," I growl, staring into his dark blue eyes with my lighter, better ones.
Ford holds my gaze. "I'm sure Shay will invite you again."
The standoff continues until Ford gives me an asshole smile.
"So you're playing family man now, huh? When you copy me like this, I feel like a freaking superstar."
Ignoring his copying crap, I grunt. "I'm no family man. I'm doing the savior thing. Get it straight, turd."
"Has she thanked you yet?" Ford asks then shakes his head. "No, if you were getting laid, you'd be less whiny."
Shoving him against the wall, I sigh sadly. "Why do you have to be so trashy? It's like you weren't raised right."
Ford laughs. "So now that you're doing the savior thing, does that mean we'll be cracking skulls today?"
I glance back at where Lula is coloring at the living room table. "They made the kid drink beer. They gave Bebe a black eye. Cracking Taz's skull will be too easy. I want him to suffer."
"Wouldn't expect anything less," Ford says. "Joker told me we'll hit the house once I'm settled in. I say we get it done sooner rather than later. We don't want Taz pulling any shit with the extra time we've given him on earth."
"Hey, I wanted to kill him the next day, but you were fucking around at a water park shithole."