I never thought I’d feel grateful to Bryony for giving me such a boring job, but it turned out to be the ideal task for getting me through the hours until I could finally leave for home. When the cards were finished, I picked up the stack and took them through to her office. She wasn’t in there, but the door was wide open so I went straight in and placed them neatly on the edge of her immaculate desk.
I’d just turned to leave when I noticed the door to the small store room in the corner was ajar. Something glistened as I moved, drawing my eye. I took a step towards it and then froze as I recognised what had caught my attention.
There, perched on the end of a shelf and just visible through the open door, was Evie’s silver-framed photograph. The one that had disappeared from my desk.
I stared, trying to make sense of what I was seeing.
‘What are you doing in here?’
Bryony’s sharp, cool tones behind me made me visibly jump.
‘Oh! I was – I just brought you the contact cards through.’ I nodded to the neat stack I’d placed on her desk.
She folded her arms and leaned against the door frame.
‘It’s the second time I’ve found you in here, snooping around.’ Her eyes narrowed. ‘Kindly keep out of my office when I’m not here. And why are you looking at me like that?’
‘I just – well, something caught my eye in there,’ I stammered, looking back at the store room door. ‘It’s – it looks like Evie’s photograph, the one I had on my desk.’
‘What?’
She stalked by me on her killer heels and pushed the store room door open wider. ‘Where? Oh, here.’ She picked it up, looked at it and smiled, her face softening. ‘She’s a little sweetheart, isn’t she? What’s it doing in here?’
‘I don’t know,’ I said, taking the photo from her outstretched hands. ‘I didn’t put it in here.’
‘Well, I certainly didn’t.’ She shook her head. ‘Don’t look at me like that, the cleaner probably found it lying around in the main office and put it in here for safekeeping.’
‘Yes, of course,’ I said. ‘That must’ve been it.’
I’m assuming the cleaner would have known it belonged on my desk. After all, it had been there almost a full week before it disappeared.
‘You’d better take extra care where you put things in future.’ Bryony frowned as I moved towards the office door. ‘It seems that losing stuff is getting to be quite a habit of yours.’
I didn’t respond to Bryony’s veiled criticism, but carried on walking and went back to my desk. I sat for a moment, staring at Evie’s photograph, which I’d laid flat in front of me.
The door closing behind an exiting customer broke me out of my doleful reverie.
‘You OK there, Toni?’ Jo asked, her face creased with concern.
‘Sorry.’ I shook my head and smiled. ‘I’m fine. Just thinking about something Bryony said.’
‘You look upset,’ she said cautiously, as if she was worried about me bursting into tears. ‘Hope she hasn’t said anything to make your day even worse.’
‘No, she hasn’t. She said something that’s made me think, though. Look.’ I held up the ‘lost’ framed photograph. ‘It was in Bryony’s store cupboard.’
Jo pulled a puzzled face. ‘What was it doing in there?’
‘Bryony said the cleaner might’ve put it in there. She reckons I’ve got a problem with losing stuff.’
‘That’s not fair.’ Jo frowned. ‘Anyone can lose a purse.’
‘It’s not just the purse though, is it?’ I shrugged. ‘This photo went missing from my desk, and then, at home, I keep forgetting important times and stuff. I mean, what if I’m losing my marbles and I don’t realise?’
Jo laughed and shook her head.
‘Toni, you might be a bit scatty because you’ve got a lot on, but I’m willing to bet you’re still sane. Mostly, anyway.’
I smiled at her quip but then my face fell again. ‘Sometimes I worry I’m not coping very well,’ I said, surprising myself that I was actually voicing this worry. ‘I’m a crap mum to Evie at the moment, too.’
Jo shook her head. ‘You’re too hard on yourself, love. We’ve all done stuff we’re not proud of. Jeez, I know that more than anyone.’
She must have been referencing her past. I stayed quiet, wondering if she’d elaborate, but she didn’t say anything else.
‘I just – I don’t know. I hate this feeling of not being in control of myself, of what happens.’
‘Yeah, I know what you mean,’ she replied, but I doubted she did.
She didn’t know about the tablets and the gaps in my memory. And I certainly wouldn’t be mentioning that. I didn’t say anything else, letting the whole subject go.
But underneath, something was still niggling at me. Something didn’t feel right.
51
Three Years Earlier
Toni
‘Mrs Cotter? I’m Di Wilson, a nurse at the accident and emergency department at the QMC. Your mother has had a fall at home and has been brought in. She’s asked me to ring you, to let you know.’
‘Oh no.’ I stood up quickly, my free hand flying to my throat. ‘Is she OK? When did this happen?’
Jo looked up from typing up Bryony’s valuation report.
‘It happened at lunchtime,’ Di continued. ‘We think she’s badly bruised her shinbone. It’s painful and nasty and she’s quite shaken, but apart from that, she’s fine. She’ll mend.’
‘Is she at home now?’
‘She’s still here, at A&E.’
When I came off the call, Jo had called Dale and Bryony through from their offices.
‘Are you OK, Toni?’ Dale asked.
I began to garble out the details. ‘Mum’s stuck in A&E right now and there’s nobody to pick Evie up later, I—’
He held up his hand and I stopped talking.
‘Go now,’ he said kindly. ‘I hope your mum’s OK. If you need me to do anything, just shout.’
Bryony walked over to me and placed her hand on my arm.
‘Me too.’ I looked down at her hand, not quite believing she was offering me comfort. ‘I could pick Evie up from school, she knows who I am now.’
‘Thanks so much.’ I grabbed my jacket and coat. ‘I’ll text you, Bryony, once I know what’s happening. Whatever happens, I’ll be in the office tomorrow though, no problems. Thank you.’
‘Don’t worry about it, Toni, we completely understand.’ Bryony smiled and I felt a little shiver run down both my arms.
* * *
By the time I got to the hospital and found a parking space, it was nearly three o’clock. I had to be back at school for four thirty at the latest, to pick Evie up from her after-school session.
I dashed into the grubby unisex loo near the entrance. My throat felt like sandpaper and the beginnings of the mother of all headaches began to gather momentum at the base of my skull.
Before I could think better of it, as I sat on the loo, I unzipped the compartment in my handbag and shook out a single tablet, swallowing it dry. Just the one.
Out in the main area, I gave Mum’s name and the receptionist pointed me to a second patient waiting room, beyond the initial one. I spotted Mum, huddled over in the far corner of the packed, noisy space. She sat close to the wall, her eyes downcast. The domineering, outspoken woman I knew and regularly fought against was absent. She looked smaller, more vulnerable, somehow.
I negotiated my way around the various injured bodies and wheelchairs. Toddlers ran around aimlessly, brandishing the sticky, chipped toys they’d gathered from the chaotic play corner.
‘Toni.’ Mum’s face lit up when she spotted me. ‘You came.’
‘What are you talking about?’ I looked at her pale face. ‘Of course I came.’
‘I just thought . . .’ Mum lowered her eyes. ‘You know, we’d fallen out and—’
‘Don’t be silly.’ I shook my head. ‘I’m always here for you, Mum, you know that.’
Her eyes glistened and she reached for my hand. I felt her fingers quivering slightly in mine. ‘It really shook me up, love, I just don’t know how I could’ve been so stupid.’
‘What happened?’
‘I slipped, on the stairs,’ she said, shaking her head as if she still couldn’t quite believe it. ‘And you know how strict I am about keeping the stairs clear.’
I nodded. The memories were still fresh in my mind of coming in from school. Within seconds, Mum would demand I take my shoes, coat and bag up to my bedroom. She’d always had this obsessive thing about clutter being dangerous if it was left around the bottom of the stairs.