‘I don’t think so,’ Jo said firmly, standing up. ‘These are definitely on me. What’re you having?’
Jo went to the counter to order our sandwiches and lattes and I pulled my bag onto my knee, taking out items and laying them on the chair, determined to locate my purse. I found two of Evie’s favourite glass hair bobbles we thought she’d lost months ago, an overdue electricity bill and a folded five-pound note that was covered in biscuit crumbs.
‘Sandwiches are coming,’ Jo said, putting down our coffees and peering at the stuff piled on the chair. ‘Looks like you keep all your worldly goods in that bag.’
‘I’m looking for my purse,’ I said, tasting sick in my mouth. ‘It’s not here.’
Jo was immediately calm. ‘Look again. Sometimes stuff gets tucked away behind other things.’
‘But I’ve taken everything out.’ I opened my bag wide so she could see. ‘It’s not there, Jo. Oh shit. Shit. Shit.’
‘Was there anything in it?’ she asked. ‘I mean other than debit cards?’
‘I’d just drawn my food money out for the week,’ I said, the sting of tears blurring my eyes as I looked hopelessly around the floor. ‘I seem to manage better when I use cash.’
‘OK, first things first,’ Jo said. ‘Let’s go back to the bank and see if you left it there.’
‘I didn’t. I went to the chemist after the bank and then the post office. I definitely had my purse in the post office.’
‘So we’ll try there. Someone might have handed it in.’ Jo kept up her calm, reasonable tone but I knew it was just for my benefit. I mean, who was going to hand in a purse full of cash?
‘Oh God.’ My heart ached as I remembered. ‘There was a letter in there from Andrew. He’d sent it before the accident and I received it two days after he died. I don’t know why I was keeping it in there, I just wanted it with me all the time, I suppose.’
‘Oh, Toni, no.’ Jo grasped my arm. ‘Come on, let’s go back to the shops, it might not be too late.’
We left the lattes untouched on the table and Jo hurriedly asked the waitress to bag up our sandwiches to collect on our return.
49
Three Years Earlier
Toni
‘I’m sorry,’ I said to Jo as we walked briskly back up the High Street together. ‘I’ve ruined our lunch, being so careless with my purse.’
‘Don’t be daft,’ Jo said, linking her arm through mine and leading me out into the street. ‘We’ve all done it.’
In the post office, Jo took charge and walked straight to the front of the queue. Unsurprisingly, nobody had handed in a long, black purse stuffed full of cash. We scouted round the shelves full of envelopes, Sellotape and packs of pens but it was hopeless.
‘Are you certain this was the last place you had it?’ Jo asked me.
My mind was just a mess. I couldn’t remember even getting my purse out in here, but I must have done, in order to buy the stamps.
Then I suddenly remembered. ‘I put the stamps in my purse.’
‘And then you put the purse back in your bag?’
‘Yes, definitely. That’s what I did.’
‘So maybe it dropped out somehow when you walked to the café,’ Jo suggested.
We walked back to the café in subdued silence, scanning the pavements in vain. The street was busy with shoppers and workers on their lunch break, everyone scurrying around trying to maximise their time.
That’s why the tall, stationary figure, staring from across the road, drew my eye. I squinted through the moving bodies to see if it was someone I recognised but whoever it was stepped aside and melted back into one of the alleyways between the shops.
I silently berated myself. I was becoming paranoid, as well as ridiculously forgetful. I waited outside while Jo popped back into the café for our sandwiches. Not that I had any appetite left whatsoever.
‘I just don’t know how I could’ve lost my bloody purse between here and the post office,’ I said as we got to the office door.
‘You two are back early,’ Dale said, his mouth full of food.
‘There’s been a bit of a disaster,’ Jo told him. ‘Toni has lost her purse.’
We had to go through the whole story again for Dale’s benefit. Halfway through, Bryony came back from lunch and waded right in.
‘Let me get this straight,’ she said. ‘You can’t even remember when you last had your purse?’
‘I do remember. I definitely had it in the post office,’ I said. ‘I bought stamps, put them in my purse and then put it back into my handbag.’
‘Maybe you thought you did but left it on the counter instead.’
‘I didn’t. I put it back in my bag.’
‘But it isn’t in there. So you either missed your bag and it fell on the floor, or—’
‘I think I would’ve noticed that,’ I said. I felt hot and I couldn’t seem to get my breath properly. ‘I would have noticed.’
‘Well, then, someone must have taken it out of your bag.’ Bryony looked at Dale. ‘Maybe we should call the police?’
‘And say what?’ Jo remarked. ‘Toni has no description of a thief, she doesn’t even know if there is a thief.’
I shook my head glumly.
‘Sadly, under the circumstances, I think you might have to put this down to experience,’ Dale said. ‘It’s painful, I know, but under the circumstances—’
‘You seem to be mislaying rather a lot of things lately,’ Bryony said. ‘You managed to lose a framed photograph from your desk and now your purse. I wonder what will be next.’
They all exchanged a glance.
‘Excuse me,’ I said abruptly, and walked quickly into the back, locking myself in the loo. I splashed some water on my face at the little sink and took a few deep breaths. I really needed that money I drew out of the bank today. What was I going to do, go cap in hand to Mum again? I wasn’t exactly her flavour of the month at the moment. It would just give her more ammunition to beat me into submission.
And losing Andrew’s letter, the last thing he ever wrote to me. How could I have been so utterly stupid?
Then there were the debit cards; I’d have to ring the bank as a matter of urgency. It was all so overwhelming.
A faint tapping sounded on the door. ‘You OK, Toni?’
I unlocked the door and walked out. ‘I’m fine, Jo. Just angry with myself.’ I smiled weakly at her. ‘Thanks so much for all your help though.’
She dismissed my comment with a wave of her hand.
‘Look, maybe you’ve just got a lot on,’ Jo said kindly as we walked back into the office. I was relieved to see that Dale and Bryony were no longer in there. ‘Let’s go out for a drink after work one night, let our hair down. What do you say?’
‘I can’t afford it now,’ I said. ‘And I can’t really ask Mum to babysit at the moment with everything else she does.’
‘OK, then I’ll come round to yours,’ she said brightly. ‘I can sit and read Evie a story while you have a nice bath. No arguing, OK?’
‘OK.’ I smiled.
But it wasn’t OK, not really. The house was such a mess and I felt anxious about letting someone into my life when I was struggling to cope with even simple everyday things. Not to mention the little pockets of forgetfulness I seemed to be having.
Jo meant well but I wished she’d just leave me alone to sort myself out.
50
Three Years Earlier
Toni
For the rest of the afternoon, I couldn’t really concentrate for worrying about what I’d lost in the purse, but I was able to bury myself in the mindless writing of customer contact cards.
When I checked my phone I had a missed call from Tara. She was probably ringing to see if I’d finally flipped over the edge, after my rant to her voicemail the other day. I couldn’t face talking to her at the moment; I didn’t want to tell her about today’s crisis. I felt so completely incompetent.