Normally I’d pay attention to the tone he’d taken, but today I was focused solely on my mother and my feelings about her situation, so I missed the cues. “No, but I’m just saying, I won’t stand for it.”
Anger seeped into his voice. “And I’m just saying, don’t fucking lump me in with your father. I haven’t cheated on you and have no intention of ever doing it, so I don’t fucking appreciate the attitude about it.” He raked his fingers through his hair, shaking his head while he did it. And then he added, “I’m not your fucking father and I never will be.”
I took a step back. J was furious and I wasn’t sure where it had come from. He stood glaring at me. I madly tried to process what he’d said; it felt like there was something important here. “I know you’re not, J. And I know you haven’t cheated on me; I trust you.”
He continued to glare at me, the vein in his neck pulsing. I had no idea what he was thinking so I waited, and didn’t say a word. “Fuck,” he muttered, and dropped his gaze to the ground. “This is fucking bullshit.” It was like he was talking to himself so I still didn’t say anything. He raised his face back to mine and I was stunned to see the anger had drained out of him, and instead he had an agonised look on his face. Something was tormenting him.
“What, baby?” I asked softly.
“I’m sorry,” he said, and lightly grasped my cheek, rubbing his thumb back and forth over it.
I moved into him and put my hand on his chest. “What’s going on, J? I know there’s something bugging you, and I wish you’d talk to me.”
His eyes searched mine; it was like he was weighing up whether to start talking or not. His chest heaved and he grabbed my hand off his chest, gave it a quick squeeze, and then said, “Nothing, babe. It’s just club stuff.”
Letting my hand go, he stepped back and said, “I have to get back to it. I’ll see you at home tonight.”
I was upset that he had again chosen not to confide in me, but I nodded and agreed, “Okay, I’ll see you then.”
He scrubbed a hand over his face, and nodded once before turning and walking back into the clubhouse with slumped shoulders and a downcast face.
I watched him go, with a heavy heart.
I felt helpless, and paralysed with fear as to what was going on with J, and what it was doing to our relationship.
***
“I truly feel like we’re taking one step forward and three back at the moment,” I admitted to Harlow the next morning over coffee. I’d just caught her up on me and J.
“How was he last night? Did he bring it up again?”
“No, he came home late, and he’d been drinking again. I’m so confused. J’s not usually a big drinker but over the last couple of weeks he’s been drinking more and more.”
“Well, he’s obviously keeping something from you. It really does sound like something is worrying him.”
“He keeps saying it’s just club business. Is Scott worried about club stuff at the moment?”
She shrugged. “He doesn’t seem stressed about anything.”
“Shit. It must be something else then, and he’s just using that as an excuse.”
“Sounds like it, honey.”
“I feel like I’m in a catch twenty-two; I’m trying hard to not keep questioning him about shit but at the same time, if we don’t talk about this, I feel like it’s going to come between us.”
“Yeah, I think you need to force the point. You guys are strong, right?”
My insecurities flared up. “He tells me that we are, and that we’re forever, but sometimes his actions don’t match up. And, to be honest, I would have thought we’d be engaged by now. When he got back two months ago, he was all about us getting married, and then nothing. So, I don’t know what to think.”
She gave me a sympathetic smile. “Sorry, hon. But I’m sure that if anyone can work this out, it’s you and J. It’s obvious to me that he loves you.”
I smiled back at her. “Okay, that’s enough about me. Tell me about you. How’s my brother treating you?”
Her face lit up. “He’s amazing.”
I rolled my eyes. “The words Scott Cole and amazing have never been used before as far as I’m aware.”
She laughed. “Well, I just did.”
Nodding, I said, “You really do bring out the best in him.”
“Did you know that he’s booked Lisa’s mum into rehab?”
“Really? When does she go?”
“It’s at a place in Byron Bay and she leaves in a few days. Lisa’s going to stay with him while she’s away.”
“Wow, that’s great. How the hell did Scott get her to agree to that?”
“She came to him two days ago and begged for his help. He seems to think that she’s serious about it so that’s why he’s agreed. It’s costing him a fortune. See, I told you he’s amazing.”
I had to agree with her this time. “Yeah, who would have thought. But he does have that soft spot for Lisa.”
“He does. She’s such a gorgeous kid. I’m looking forward to girl time with her when she stays with him.”