I struggled to keep check of my own anger. “Well I had to talk to someone because you sure as hell wouldn’t talk to me!”
His eyes were wild, his face was flushed, and the vein in his neck was twitching. When J was angry, it consumed the room and I could feel it right down in my bones. He stood staring at me for awhile, not saying anything, until eventually he said, “I couldn’t.” And with those words, all the fight left him. He looked utterly broken, and unease filtered through me. Something was very wrong.
“Why?” I almost whispered, afraid of the answer. My legs felt shaky and chills surged through me. I reached out and gripped the top of the chair to steady myself. His eyes flicked to my hand on the chair, and then back up to my face. “Because I didn’t want to shatter your world completely,” he answered me softly. I didn’t say anything, just stared at him, waiting for him to continue. He took a deep breath before going on. “Your father showed another side of himself to me while I was away, a side that you won’t like, and I was trying to shelter you from that. Problem was that I was also trying not to have secrets between us. So, I’ve been fucking stuck between the two, not knowing how to proceed.”
Relief coursed through me. I thought that he’d been going to tell me something about himself, something that would affect our relationship. This was better; this I could cope with. “You can tell me anything about my dad, J. I already know what an asshole he is.”
“I know you think you hate him, but all that aside, he’s your father. He’s the fucking man who raised you. He should be the man you assess all other men by; the man who should always be setting an example for you. And as much as you don’t want anything to do with him now, I’d have bet that over time you two would have found your way back. I fucking prayed for that, babe, because a life without a father in it fucking sucks. So, this shit I know now, it’s probably gonna destroy any love you might have left.” He paused and searched my face. “That’s why I couldn’t talk to you. That’s why I was distant. I fucking wanted to be with you but I couldn’t find the way to do that while I was keeping this secret.”
My heart swelled with love for him. “I get it, baby,” I said, and laid a hand on his chest. “But you can tell me now; I’ve got you to help me deal with it.”
“Yeah, you do,” he said, a sad smile threatening his lips. “Your father sent me to the Adelaide chapter, said he wanted me to check out a suspected paedophile in the club. Made out like he wasn’t sure if the guy was that or not. Turned out that he’d known he was and he’d known that for about a year. Known what the cunt was doing and fucking let it happen. All so he could wait to use it against the guy when it suited his purpose. He also knew there were others. It makes me sick that he let that shit go on for a year.”
My legs threatened to give way and I fought the rising bile. In that moment, I truly hated my father. I thought I already hated him as much as was possible but now I realised that J was right; I’d still had some love and hope there, but now, that was completely fading. “How could someone do that?” I gasped.
“I don’t know, babe.”
I had to sit; my legs couldn’t support me anymore. J sat next to me, concerned eyes never leaving mine. “What did you do?” I asked him.
His chest rose and fell in a heavy movement. After a short moment, he said, “I killed him and two other guys. Not gonna detail that for you, sweetheart, but I don’t want that a secret between us.”
It didn’t surprise me that he’d done that, and while thinking that, a horrible revelation came to me. “Dad played on your past didn’t he? The stuff that happened to your cousin.”
Pain flared on his face, and he nodded. “Yeah, he did.”
“You said he waited till it suited his purpose. Why now?”
“The guy was the VP and was blocking a drug deal that the President wanted passed. Marcus helped him achieve that by using me.”
My mind was racing to process all this. “Where are you and Dad at now?”
“He told me today that he wants me to do some more jobs for him. I’m not though. I’m done with him. And if he wants me out of the club, he can fucking fight for that because I’m not backing down and I’m not leaving.”
“Scott won’t let that happen.”
“No, but your father has an agenda, babe. He told me he won’t let me marry you.”
Butterflies hit my stomach at his words. “We’re getting married?”
His forehead creased. “Of course, we’re fucking getting married. Told him he’s got no say in it.”
I smiled; a huge smile, because in amongst all the awful stuff he’d told me, he’d given me the one thing I really needed to hear. I leant my face to his and lightly kissed him. “He’s got no say in it,” I promised.