"For how long?" he finally asked, shifting his body back to face me.
"My whole life," I offered wearily, forcing myself to keep eye contact. "I can't remember a time when I wasn’t hated by everyone."
"What?" he balked, sounding horrified. "No! Shannon, you shouldn’t be thinking like that–"
"It's the truth, Johnny," I was quick to clarify. "I'm unlikable. It's a fact. Plain and simple."
"That's bullshit," he growled. "You're not unlikable."
"It's not bullshit," I countered. "I am unlikeable."
"I like you," Johnny shot back without an ounce of hesitation.
Well, I love you, Johnny Kavanagh!
Even though you're leaving.
Even though you don’t feel the same.
Even though loving you is going to break my heart.
I love you with everything I have.
And I probably always will.
"Well, that makes you one of very few." I exhaled a shaky breath. "I was hated growing up, Johnny! Seriously hated. Nobody wanted to play with me. Nobody wanted me on their team in P.E., or to sit with me in class, and I was never invited to the other children's birthday parties. I was constantly picked on. For my hair. For my size. My clothes. My secondhand school books. The car my family owned. The terrace I came from. For breathing. It didn’t matter what I did or how hard I tried to get along with the other children, they always found a fault in me." I shook my head and sighed wearily. "I've had two friends my entire life. That's it."
"Claire Biggs and Pierce ó Neill's girlfriend?" Johnny asked, voice gravelly.
"Lizzie Young," I confirmed with a nod. "Yeah, they went to my primary school, and honestly, if it wasn’t for them, I would have been completely alone."
"But they moved on to Tommen after primary school?"
"They did."
"And you went to BCS?"
"Yeah," I croaked out.
Bewilderment was etched on Johnny's face, like this was hard for him to comprehend.
And for a guy like him, it probably was.
He wasn’t short of friends or adoring fangirls.
He was popular and a big star.
He didn’t have the faintest idea of what it felt like to be on the other side of the popularity spectrum.
Where I resided.
Johnny's tone was careful when he asked, "It was the same for you there?"
"No." Inhaling a steadying breath, I continued to open myself up for danger. "It was worse."
Johnny was silent for a long moment before asking, "They hurt you there?"
Repressing a shudder, I forced a small nod.
"Shannon?"
"Every day," I confessed.
"Christ," he practically snarled as he ran a hand through his hair. "No wonder your Ma lost it on me that day."
I sighed heavily. "It wasn’t the first trip from school to the A&E."
"Jesus." He blew out a harsh breath and pulled me closer. "How bad did it get?"
I shrugged helplessly, unable to get the words out, or maybe I was just unwilling to verbalize the trauma.
I wanted it gone from my memory.
I wanted that part of my life erased forever.
"Shannon?" Johnny pressed, tone achingly soft, as he tugged me so close that my knees touched his thigh. Keeping one arm hooked around my back, he leaned closer and repeated his earlier question. "How bad did it get?"
To the point that I wanted to die.
"Bad enough that my Mam had to bury herself in debt to transfer me to Tommen," I admitted, my voice barely audible. "And bad enough that I let her do it," I added, forcing myself to look at him and hating the sympathetic expression I found him wearing.
"Those girls?" he asked then. "At the pub?"
I nodded. "Ciara was the worst."
His eyes darkened. "The blonde one."
I nodded weakly. "I couldn’t go back to BCS after Christmas. Too much had happened, and it was getting out of hand."
"Getting out of hand?" Johnny stared hard at me. "Surely it had been out of hand for years."
"Oh, I know," I agreed. "But it was really starting to affect my brother and my parents were worried."
"Your brother," Johnny replied flatly.
"Yeah." I nodded. "Joey was constantly getting suspended for fighting over me. He already had four suspensions because of me by Christmas, and Mam was petrified that he was going to get himself expelled in his leaving cert year. Dad was furious because he thought Joey's behavior would cost him his spot on the minors. It was a total nightmare." Shrugging, I exhaled a heavy sigh and said, "In the end, Mam convinced our father that it would be better for Joey if they pulled me from BCS."
"What about you?" Johnny asked, blue eyes locked on mine. "Was it better for you?"
"It was the best decision that was ever made for me," I replied without hesitation.
"And Tommen?" Johnny pressed, his entire focus on me. "How's that for you?"
"Aside from the Ronan trouble, I haven't had any problems at Tommen," I replied honestly, cheeks burning under his keen observation. "Oh, and Bella threatening war on me for talking to you."
"And this?" He trailed his fingers over my neck, blue eyes scorching me. "I need to know about this."
I shivered into his touch. "I told you."
"Don’t lie to me," he coaxed.
"Then don’t make me," I pleaded, knowing that I was giving everything away to him – my heart, my secrets, my trust – and was unable to stop. "Please don’t push me."
"Shannon –" he started and then quickly stopped. He stared hard at me for a long moment before finally nodding. "For now."
I sagged in relief. "Thank you."
"But I'm going to find out," he whispered. "Whether you tell me or not." He stroked my cheek with his thumb. "I'll find out and I'll make them suffer."
My heart seized in my chest.
I knew this.
He wasn’t going to let it go.
I could see it in his eyes that night in his bedroom.
Johnny Kavanagh was hell bent on exposing my secrets.
"And Bella won't do shit," Johnny continued, tone gruff, eyes heated and intense, "If she goes to war with you, then she goes to war with me, too."
"I don’t like war or confrontation," I replied nervously, panicking at the thought of his terrifying ex and the damage she was capable of causing me. "I don’t want her to hate me, Johnny. I didn’t do anything wrong."
"She's threatened by you," he said gruffly. "Her reaction to you is based on jealousy."
"Threatened by me?" I shook my head. "Why?"
"Because you're beautiful," he stated, causing my cheeks to flush a deep shade of pink.
A boy had never called me beautiful before.
Not like this.
Not with such forwardness.
Not with such sincerity.
Johnny said it, though, and my heart was flapping around in my chest like a demented, caged bird, fighting to escape.
He cleared his throat then, looking slightly uncomfortable, and for a moment I thought he was about to take the compliment back, but then he steeled his features, tucked a loose strand of hair behind my ear, and whispered, "Inside and out."
Those extra words did the trick.
Those extra words ruined me.
I could feel my body tremble as I turned my gaze to his, locking eyes.
"I am?"
He nodded slowly. "Everywhere."
Oh, god.
My heart.
I couldn’t handle this.
I couldn’t cope with him…
Panicked and uncertain by my feelings, I quickly hurried on, "We're on a level playing field now. I know your secrets and now you know mine, so you can rest assured that I won't be announcing your injury to the whole world," I told him, feeling both vulnerable and exposed. "Not when you have your own dirt on me."
"Yeah, I guess we are," Johnny replied in a thoughtful tone, before quickly backpedaling. "Wait– you told me all that so I would have leverage over you?"
I shrugged.
Johnny frowned. "Why would you do that?"
"I was trying to make you feel safe," I blurted out.
"You want to make me feel safe?" The expression on Johnny's face was one I couldn’t decipher as he stared down at me with storm-filled, blue eyes. "Why?"