I released a trembling breath, forcing my body not to spazz out from the contact, and asked, "Do what?"
"Block me out."
"Pot meet kettle," I snapped, turning my face away.
"You can't ignore me," Johnny pushed, trying for humor. "We have a friendship contract."
I wasn’t laughing.
"Then rip it up," I told him, then yanked my arm free.
"Shannon, let me explain."
"Leave me alone."
"Shannon, come on –"
"No."
"Look at me."
I folded my arms across my chest. "No."
Johnny sighed. "Shannon, please."
"I said no!" I snapped. "You did this to me in your car and you're doing it again now. That's a pattern. I don’t like those kinds of patterns. So, no!"
Johnny released a frustrated growl.
Seconds later, I felt his hand on my neck as he leaned over my seat and pulled my body sideways to face him.
Stunned, I could do nothing but stare up at him. "Wh-what are you doing?"
Johnny's eyes were wild and heated, panicked and interested, as they flickered from my eyes to my lips.
For the briefest of moments, I thought he was about to kiss me.
But he didn’t.
Of course, he didn’t.
Instead, he released a ragged breath, cupped the side of my neck, bringing me closer, and touched his cheek to mine.
Pressing his lips to my ear, in a voice barely more than a whisper, he said, "I'm scared, Shannon."
"Scared?"
I felt him nod, his stubbly cheek rubbing against mine.
"Of what?"
"You."
"Me?" My heart flipped in my chest. "Why?"
"What I told you that night?" he whispered, gently clutching the side of my neck with his huge hand. "All that shite about my surgery and how much pain I'm in? I'm furious with myself for losing my head and telling you something that can be used against me. I gave you power over me and now I'm fucking panicking, okay? I lost my cool with you in the car because you struck a nerve. Because you called me out on my bullshit. Because you were right."
"I was?"
He nodded and the movement caused his cheek to rub against mine.
"I'm not thick," he continued to whisper. "I know what I'm risking by playing, but I have everything riding on the next fifteen months – on my body holding out. It's my career," he told me, voice barely audible.
His words were coming so low and fast, mixed with a thickening Dublin accent, that it was a struggle to keep up.
"It’s my future, and I can't bear to watch it slip through my fingers. I've worked too hard to get to this position to let it all go. They're making me take a test, Shannon. I haven't told anyone about it. And if don’t pass it – if they find out I'm not a hundred percent – they'll pull me and I'll be out for months, Shannon. Months. It mightn’t seem like a big deal to you, but for me, it's my life. I'll miss my shot with the u20's in June. I'll miss everything. I'll lose everything. That can't fucking happen."
His lips brushed against my earlobe as he spoke.
It wasn’t an intentional move or remotely flirtatious, he was clearly agitated, but I still had to suppress a shiver at the contact.
"And you knowing all of this? Me telling you? Knowing that it could be held over me?" Johnny sighed heavily, his warm breath fanning the curve of my jawline. "I don’t do that, Shannon. I don’t make myself vulnerable to anyone. Ever." His fingers trembled against my neck as he spoke. "And it scares the shite out of me that I've handed that kind of power over to you."
"Then why did you do it?" I asked, as a small shudder rolled down my spine.
Leaning back so that I could look at his face, I asked, "Why did you tell me?"
He looked so helpless as he shrugged.
"I've been asking myself the same question for a long time and I still don’t have an answer, Shannon," he croaked out, tormented blue eyes locked on mine. "I don’t understand what's happening between us."
I realized that I was witnessing a rare moment of vulnerability from Johnny, and my heart could barely take the pressure.
Seeing him like this…so exposed and unguarded?
It did something to me.
Made me feel protective.
Like I needed to nurture him or something, which was insane because one look at the boy and it was obvious he didn’t need anyone's protection.
But I still felt it.
I watched him watch me for the longest moment, soaking in his defeated expression and the way he looked down at me almost hopefully, like I had the answers to all his questions.
I didn’t.
The right thing to do would be to comfort him with words of assurance.
I didn’t do that.
Instead, I whispered my truth.
"I don’t want you to play." Throwing caution to the wind and moving on instinct, I tucked my legs beneath me, shifted closer, and pressed my lips to his ear. "Not today, and not tomorrow. I don’t want you to go out there and put yourself in harm's way, Johnny. I don’t want you to get hurt. I want you to stop. I want you to rest your body. I want you to take care of yourself."
"Shannon–"
"Let me finish," I whispered.
He nodded stiffly.
Trembling, I reached up and cupped his jaw. "I meant it when I told you that I wouldn’t tell anyone."
I felt his body turn rigid, but I didn’t move away, the need to comfort him pushing me forward.
"I don’t agree with your choices," I croaked out. "But I respect that they are yours to make."
Something inside of this boy called to me.
I had no idea what that something was, but it made me brave.
It made me want to step out of my comfort zone and help him – even if helping him meant doing the wrong thing.
"I can keep a secret, Johnny Kavanagh," I whispered, stroking his cheek with my fingers. "And I promise I'll keep yours."
With his hand still cupping the side of my neck, Johnny exhaled a heavy sigh and let his head fall forward, his hair brushing my neck.
"I'm in so much pain, Shannon," he confessed, tone thick and gruff. "All the time," he added, covering my hand with his. "It hurts so bad I can hardly sleep at night. I can't concentrate for shit at school. I'm fucking up on the pitch. In training. Everything's going to hell, and the only person I can talk to about it is a girl I barely know." Exhaling a heavy breath, he pulled me closer. "You're the only thing that distracts me, the only thing I can concentrate on, and I don’t even know you. I feel closer to you than my own teammates. I'm telling you things I wouldn’t tell my best friend. How fucked up is that?"
"It's not fucked up." My heart was hammering so hard against my ribcage that it was making my breathing come hard and fast. "It's okay."
"It's not okay," Johnny refuted, burying his face in my neck. "Not one bleeding thing about what's going on in my life right now is okay."
One moment, he had his face buried in my neck and the next he was gone.
"Fuck," Johnny growled, jerking away from me like I had scalded him. "Fuck!" he repeated, running a hand through his hair. "I did it again. I did it a-fucking-gain."
Stunned, I remained on my knees, watching his every move.
"Is there any chance of you forgetting everything I just said?" he asked in a half-hearted tone, as he looked at me, eyes burning with desperation.
Unable to form words, I just stared back at him, shaking my head.
I couldn’t pretend.
Not anymore.
"No." Johnny agreed glumly and rubbed his face with his palm, "Didn’t think so."
The reasoning behind my next statement was based on basic, human instinct rather than thought, encouraged by the desperate need I had inside of my chest to stop this boy from hurting.
"I was bullied," I blurted out, startling us both with the admission.
I wanted to put him at ease, and the only way I could think of making that happen was to give him a deeply private confession of my own.
"Badly," I clarified, my voice barely more than a whisper.
Johnny's eyes locked on mine. "At your old school?"
"Yes." I nodded, and then shook my head. "Not just at BCS. It happened everywhere."
"Everywhere?" Johnny repeated slowly, brows furrowed deeply.
"Everywhere," I confirmed, biting down on my lip to stop it from wobbling.