“It’s not what it looks like, Beck,” I whisper.
“Right, so you weren’t sitting here in a dark hallway, all cozy with one of my closest friends? Huh? I’m not good enough for you, but Maddox is?”
I’ve never seen Beck this pissed before. I’ve seen him mad, but never like this.
“He was just helping me out Beck. It’s not easy being here, and I was having a bad moment. All he was doing was talking to me, trying to get me to stop being upset, and enjoy the party. Can you please calm down?” It’s not exactly the truth, but it’s not a lie either.
He takes a second; I can clearly see him calming himself down. One of the things I love about him is his ability to control his emotions. He doesn’t hide anything from me. I can see the anger fade, and in its place is confusion, which just as quickly turns to hurt. Hurt because it wasn’t him that was able to comfort me. And finally, understanding dawns. He might not like it, actually, I know he doesn’t, but he still puts his feelings aside and understands. It wasn’t Maddox and me being together in a lustful way. It was about Maddox being there for me as a friend. For everything I’ve put us through, the only thing he cares about is that I’m okay, even if he isn’t the one that’s making it possible for me to be that way I don’t deserve him. I know that now. But the worst part, in this moment, I know there is no way that this man in front of me could ever be anything other than Mr. Perfect. He could never be what I’ve been running from. All along, he’s been right in front of my face, promising me the world, and I just couldn’t see it. That’s all it takes for the waterworks to start, and my whole body shakes with silent sobs.
I broke us.
I broke him.
And I just continue to break myself.
My heart is still rapidly pounding from the sight of Maddox with his hands on Dee. The logical side of me knows that he would never make a move on her, but the jealous and possessive ex-lover only saw her in his arms.
Now, I’m still close to losing my mind, but not because of jealousy. This time, it’s because the woman I love is breaking down… again. I can’t even remember all the times that I’ve been in this position with her. Right after Brandon’s attack, she spent the better part of eight or so months like this. It might have been more, but she pushed me away and wouldn’t let me in for another two months following that.
The only reason that I know how bad it got was because I refused to leave. Before she closed me out completely, I was with her as much as I could be, as much as she would allow. She lived with Izzy and Axel for a while, but she still came over. It still amazes me that not one of these damn people in our lives noticed the pain she was dealing with. She was living under her best friend’s own roof, and even she didn’t notice. When it got to the point that I was more concerned about her doing something to harm herself, I knew it was time to get her more help than I could provide.
I know she is still seeing Dr. Maxwell. She’s slipped up a few times over the years and told me. We’ve had our handful of reunions, those times when I think I might just be getting my girl back, only to have the hopes die in the morning.
Everyone around us looks at our fucked up relationship and does nothing but judge. They see only the outside, the window dressing. They don’t see this side of Dee. They don’t see her when she hits her lowest points and calls me at two in the morning because she is terrified that someone is in her house. They haven’t gotten the call from her telling you that the world would be better without someone so damaged. No, everyone sees perfect Dee, happy Dee, and the Dee that never stops smiling, even when she’s dying on the inside.
I’ve watched this happen to plenty of my brothers when we would come back from a mission gone wrong. I’ve watched them completely crumble, and I’ve even watched a few of them lose the fight. It doesn’t take a doctor to tell me that she has been, and most likely still is, suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder. I’ve seen the signs that she’s getting stronger over the last few months, but she still isn’t the Dee that she was before that asshole violated her safety.
“Shh, I’ve got you Dee.” As I pull her into my arms, I press her head against my chest, and do the only thing I know how to do. Just be there. Regardless of how the people around us think I’m wasting my time, I refuse to believe it. I know the woman hiding under all of this pain. “Calm down. Everything’s okay.”