Before she spoke, Nina eyed Jon, a little longer than Toni suspected was the norm for someone as gruff and indifferent as her. “You can assist us by telling us how to get the fuck out of here, Jon.”
He looked directly into Nina’s eyes, his expression one of confusion. “This word—fuck—means what? Is that from your land?”
Wanda groaned a sigh as she rolled her head on her neck while rubbing at her temples. “That’s just Nina behaving badly. My blanket apologies in advance for every word that comes out of her mouth until we part ways. Now, Jon, how do we get out of here?”
Now he smiled again in understanding, as though they were speaking his language. “Have you paid passage on a ship? I can be your guide to the ocean in less than seven days. What is the name of the ship you plan to sail upon?”
Nina brushed her hands together, her full lips going thin. “Yep. We’re fucked, folks.”
Marty poked Nina in the shoulder. “You don’t know that.” Then she turned to Jon, her blue eyes widening in a flirtatious manner. “Here’s our dilemma, Jon. We don’t know how we got here in the first place, but we’re not from your…your…”
“Realm,” Toni offered as she burrowed under Jon’s vest, her tone dry.
“Well lookit you, all speaking the native tongue,” Nina said sarcastically, giving Toni’s shoulder a thump of her hand. “If it wasn’t for you, I’d be at home on the Island right now reading my kid a Christmas story and putting her to bed so I could hunker down on the couch with my man in my very own castle. You heard what that nutbag Brenda The Sticky Sweet Witch said, you wished us here to medieval hell. This is on you.”
“Brenda?” Jon asked, his spine suddenly rigid, his tone aware. “You’ve encountered the Good Witch of the South?”
“Yeah, with all her big hair and whistles. The biscuits-and-gravy lady says we can’t leave here unless we take this one to the castle for her happily-ever-after.”
Jon’s face cleared again, his head bobbing at Nina. “Of course, of course. You were summoned to the realm of Shamalot because you were unhappy with your life?”
Toni wondered if this kind of thing happened often.
“Has this happened before?” Marty asked, tilting her head and asking the question Toni wasn’t able to put into a proper sentence.
“Often people visit the realm to see the king and ask that their wishes be granted,” Jon provided. “But no one from your land of Jersey, as I recollect. So is this why you have come to Shamalot—because you are unhappy?”
Why she cared if Jon knew she was unhappy or otherwise was unsettling, but somehow, it left her uneasy. “I’m not unhappy!” She felt like she needed to say as much again for Jon’s benefit—all out in the open.
“You work at an outlet mall. No one’s happy makin’ minimum wage and working for that yippy blonde with her dresses that’ll change your life,” Nina remarked, flicking her hard curls from her face.
Finally, she couldn’t take the guilt anymore. It rose up like a swell of remorse and overflowed all over the women. “Okay fine, lady. It’s true. I wished I were anywhere but there today. I didn’t even say it out loud, for hell’s sake. I only thought it. But haven’t you ever done that? Like ‘Wow, I wish I was watching paint dry instead of sitting through this movie’?”
Nina nodded, her curls beginning to fall flat from the heavy snow. “You mean like right frickin’ now?”
Toni let her hands drop to her sides with a slap against the lavish material of her dress. “It was metaphoric, for the love of Cheetos! I didn’t mean dump me and every person within twenty feet into a land with no running water!”
Jon placed a light hand on Toni’s arm, a hand that wrought all sorts of chills and dirty, dirty visuals. “What is a movie and Cheetos?”
Nina tapped his broad shoulder with a frown. “Oh, Jesus and a Renaissance fair—forget the damn movie, Flawless. Just tell us how to get the hell out of here!”
“I am Jon, for future reference. And I don’t know how you do that, My Lady of Discontent,” he shot back, towering over Nina, his jaw rigid. “I only know the rules of the realm, and they are, you must do as Brenda The Good Witch says. I can assist, of course, but I can’t detour and keep you from your happiness. As a member of the League of Fairy Godmothers, surely you know that.”
“How in the fresh hell do you know I’m a fairy godmother?” Nina growled at him, flashing her teeth.