Abigail nodded. “Thank you.” She heard a hearty cry come from the other room, so she swung her legs off the bed and stood.
She was just finishing feeding Benjamin when Miriam arrived with food for the rest of them, and they ate in relative silence. As soon as Samuel was done, Abigail asked Miriam to take him and Benjamin to Antonia for a while.
Samuel drew his brows together. “What of our lessons?”
“We shall do them a little later,” Abigail said softly. “If the clouds on the horizon are any indication, it will be raining this afternoon. Go play now, and we will do our lessons when you cannot be outside.”
Samuel apparently thought that was a fine arrangement. He gave Abigail a kiss and fell in beside Miriam with no argument. The girl carried the baby in her arms tenderly but darted a worried look at Abigail over her shoulder on her way out.
Abigail sat mutely, her eyes fixed on some point straight ahead, her fingers toying absently with the fruit on the plate before her. She was not hungry, but taking little pieces of the meal from plate to mouth at least provided her with something to do with her hands. Her few, distracted actions stood in marked contrast to the thoughts flying through her mind.
She knew what she had to do. She felt the persuasion within her, felt the Spirit hovering just beyond the edges of her reserve. All she had to do was open herself that small crack, and he would come flooding back in, calming the place that had been raging within her. She knew that. And she intended to do it. But first, she closed her eyes and looked back across the last few days. She had been unhappy, but that was not what she thought about now. No, what upset her the most was that Titus had been unhappy, too. She was not certain he realized it, but their actions had hurt him as much as they hurt her. He had reacted by doing the only thing he knew to do: reverted to his Stoic roots and refused to accept into his sphere everything he did not want to influence him.
Unfortunately, that happened to include everything that had brought them together to begin with. It had resulted in a man unwilling to feel but unwilling to admit to a lack of his feelings, one who let himself want but would not grant that he had needs beyond that. She saw again his smile that morning. It had been true, it had been warm, but it was the only one like that she had seen in all these days. He needed her to stand firm as much as she did.
Miriam slipped back into the room, and Abigail opened her eyes, looked at both of her servants. Her soft words drew their startled gazes to her. “I owe you both an apology. For the past week, I have faltered greatly. I have not been a deserving mistress or a worthy friend. I have been a hypocrite.” She blinked back a few tears. “Forgive me, my friends, for teaching lessons I did not obey.”
Miriam had tears in her eyes as well. “Mistress . . .”
Abigail shook her head and stood up. “Please, give me a few moments.” She turned and quickly exited through the door to the courtyard, knowing neither Phillip nor Miriam would actually leave, but needing at least the appearance of solitude. Outside, she fell to her knees on the cool ground.
“Father, forgive me.” Her words flowed into the ground in Hebrew. “I knew what I did, yet I did it anyway. I deliberately turned from you to chase after my own desires, I put Titus above you, and now I feel the emptiness that my actions have caused. Come back to me, Spirit! Forgive my sins and fill me with your peace.”
The Spirit descended upon her as heavily as the first time, pressing her down further into the ground until she was lying prostrate, her arms over her head. She wept, but the tears were cleansing, washing away the bitterness and the resentment.
“Give me strength. Give me strength to face him, Lord. Give me the strength to stand and maintain my position. Soften his heart, please, so that he may hear me and choose the same path. Please,” she beseeched on a broken sob, “please do not let this be the end of our love.”
A breeze whispered over her, and the rain began to fall. It washed away her tears and soaked her with heaven’s.
*
The returned ship did not hold so many secrets as Titus would have liked. Or if it did, they were all locked within the minds of the few sailors still alive, and those minds were not in very good shape. There were five men that they found on board, and all of them had to be carried ashore. It was a wonder that they managed to sail back into the harbor at all in their current condition.