My eyes fill knowing the relief he must feel. I’d felt it too. Where my family has felt loss but is also full of survivors, he’d lost his very best friend. I say nothing, letting him be. My hands dive into his hair, realizing the depth of his feelings for me. He came back, even though he was under the impression that I had breast cancer. He’d been willing to go the distance with me and stand by my side. That fact is only more proof that he won’t make the same mistake twice. I can trust that he will be there for me, no matter what.
Benjie decides he’s tired of hanging out on the couch and takes of mouthful of Ben’s hair and chomps down, tugging on it.
“Ouch,” Ben cries. He lifts his head to face his attacker and I notice the shimmer of tears left on his cheeks.
I place my thumbs under his eyes and wipe away at some of the moisture before dabbing at my own eyes.
“He’s certainly a fierce canine,” I say.
Lifting his shirt sleeve, he swipes at his face before he says, “Yes, he is. And those teeth of his are like needles.”
“I’ve noticed.”
A whisper of a smile returns to his face. “You have to know I’m happy for you. But I would have been there no matter what.”
“I know,” I whisper.
He places another gentle kiss on my lips. “Let me put him in the pen I have in the kitchen.”
He scoops up Benjie and is gone a moment.
When he comes back I say, “I want to show you something.” This is the final test. This is the reason I put off telling him and delayed the surgery. But so much has happened between us and I’m much braver these days. So with a deep breath, I lift my T-shirt.
“What are you doing?” he asks.
Taking off my shirt hadn’t been a scary prospect before. But I stick to my guns. He needs to see all of me before he can truly commit.
Sucking in a breath, I tell him, “I’m showing you my boobs.”
“But I don’t need to see them.”
With my shirt half on and half off I pause half a second before continuing.
“Yes, you do. You were so in love with them, it was one of the reasons I kept putting off telling you about it. Well, that and Drew.”
“Jesus Sam.” He looks torn to shreds. “God, I loved your breasts, but I’m in love with you …” His eyes confirm everything his mouth voices.
“It’s time to put it behind us. You’ve proven you’re much more than just a boob man.”
“I never meant to make you think I couldn’t live without your boobs. It’s you who I can’t live without …” His head drops as it oscillates slowly.
I need to divert him, so I cup his face in my hands. “Let’s move past this. I have.” Then I kiss him lightly before I reach behind me and unclasp my bra. His lips are pressed together, telling me he’s nervous. I’m not sure of what he’s going to think. The scar is not so significant, but it’s there, and I have to own it. So here goes. I drop the bra and sit here, bared from the waist up.
His eyes open up, his mouth follows, and then the corner of his mouth lifts. At first it’s a slight curl. But then he’s grinning full out.
“Holy fuck. I wasn’t sure what to expect, you were covered up. I just assumed … But they’re awesome, Sam.”
“Yeah? You really think so?”
His eyes slide back to them and his tongue peeks out only to disappear back in his mouth.
“Yes. Yes, they are. I don’t want to sound like a creep, but can I touch them?”
I hope like hell we get past this stage of awkwardness.
“When have you ever had to ask before? Just be gentle. I’m still not totally healed.”
“Okay.” He reaches out tentatively and brushes the backs of his fingers across them. Then he turns his hands around and only ever so slightly, cups them. “They’re beautiful. Just like you.”
“But the scars,” I point to them.
Slowly, he shakes his head.
“I don’t give a fuck about any scars. It’s you I love.” His finger touches the juncture between my breasts. “I have you healthy and alive. That’s all I care about. You want to know something?”
“What?”
“First, I thought you had cancer and would have to go through treatment. When you said you didn’t, I thought that was the greatest thing in the world. Then when you said you had mastectomies, I assumed that you didn’t have any breasts at all, and here you sit with two amazing tits. Who cares about scars?”
A ripple of laughter bursts out of me and I throw my arms around him. “I love you, Ben Rhoades.”
“Samantha Calhoun, I love you more than words can tell you.”
His mouth hovers over mine for a second, lips brushing back and forth. And then his tongue tastes my lips, right before it slips past the opening of my mouth. We are soon devouring each other.
Heat shoots out his eyes as he tentatively asks, “Can you have sex?”
“Yeah, why?” A slow wicked grin grows on my face.
“I … um … didn’t know if you were on any kind of restriction.”
“What do you have in mind, Rhoades?”
He stares at my mouth like a starving man, which only serves to make my smile sprout wings.
“It’s just Ben Jr. is so fucking happy to see you and your new tits.”
I can’t help the laugh that leaves my throat.
“Naughty boy. Did you miss me?”
“Fuck right I did. And it’s been over a month, Sam. If you can’t, that’s fine. But I’ll beg you for a hand job.”
I toss my head back. Never have I felt so empowered.
“I think you’ve earned the full on deal. Just be easy on my boobs.”