“Yeah, you left so quickly and I was a little shocked by your visit. By the time I collected myself you were already gone. Can we sit?”
He throws his hands up in the air. “I’m sorry. I don’t know what I was thinking. Yes. And let me take him from you.”
He reaches for the puppy, but I stop him.
“I kind of like holding the little guy.” I follow him toward the couch. When we sit, I begin. “You said a lot of things back at my house.”
Our eyes lock and his are as intense as I’ve ever seen them. “I did,” he whispers.
“And you said a lot in your letter.”
“Yeah?”
“And the things you did for me at work.” He starts to speak but I stop him with my hand on his arm. “I know I wasn’t supposed to know about that, but Nancy told me. And don’t be upset with her. She is your biggest supporter. But I can’t thank you enough for what you did. That was … well, you totally went beyond anything I ever would’ve expected.”
“It’s what you do when you love someone, Sam.”
“I know. And that’s what I want to talk about. The last time I was here, I don’t have to tell you how I felt. You already know. I can’t ever go through anything like that again.”
“I can’t make excuses for my behavior because there are none. If you give me a half a chance, I swear I won’t ever make you. The time I spent without you has been hell. Work,” he shrugs. “I’m surprised I still have a job. But none of that matters. I’ll do anything for you. You have to know that. I love you more than my career or even life itself.”
He fists his hands in his hair and I gently tug the offenders out from his gorgeous, but over grown, locks.
“I learned a huge lesson. You can’t replace the ones you love. I should’ve learned that the first time around. But with you—I know it here.” His hand moves over his chest.
I study his eyes first before I move to his stooped posture. His hands are balled up as if he’s fighting himself. I’ve been on the fence since I made the decision to come here. I had to see him, but I hadn’t been sure what exactly I was going to say.
“How can you be sure?”
His eyes fiercely hold mine. “Because when you walked out the door, my life ceased to be. I was a mess. Ask my mom or Jenna. I didn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t … be, knowing I’d lost you.
“You mean that.” It’s a statement and not a question.
“I do. But I get it if I’ve destroyed us. And your happiness is the only thing I live for now.”
The agony in his eyes is real. I remember Trevor’s pleas to get me back. He never looked at me the way Ben is now. I lift a hand and stroke his cheek.
“I had to know. And I have to know you won’t ruin me again.”
“I couldn’t. You’ve ruined me for anyone else. I’ve worked hard just remembering how to breathe without you.” He huffs out a distressed breath. “I don’t know how to prove it to you other than with my words. But I swear I won’t.”
I lean in and press my lips to his. He doesn’t move and I pull back trying to figure out if somehow I’ve misjudged. He licks his lips, then cups my face before planting the sweetest kiss on my mouth. I open for him and allow our tongues to tangle in ways I hadn’t known I’d missed. Far too soon, he pulls back.
“I want you to know I’ll be with you for your treatments. I don’t care how long it takes. I’ll take another leave of absence if I have to.”
I feel my forehead crease as confusion clouds my head.
“Treatments?”
“Yeah. You know, chemo.”
My fingers fan out across my chest as my eyes widen. “Chemo?” Holy shit! All this time he’s thought I have cancer! “I … you don’t know, do you?”
Now he’s the one with the confounded expression.
“Know what?”
I inch closer to him so our thighs are touching.
“Ben, I don’t have cancer. That lump you felt was only a cyst. I had the surgery as a prevention, like my sister did, because we both carry the BRCA gene, but I’m cancer free. Having the mastectomies reduces my risk of getting cancer in the future.”
A thousand emotions pass over his face. Shock, relief, and joy are just a few. His movement surprises me as he kneels on the floor and spreads my legs. I can say my lady parts get excited as he buries his head in my lap and his arms circle my waist. It should be another good sign of things to come. Only muffled words come from his mouth that I can’t understand.
His body shakes, scaring me until I realize his trembles are the result of overwhelming emotion.