All I wanted to do was to get in the house, kick off my shoes and relax in front of the TV.
“Hi, Jill,” the giant burger shouted when I got out of the car.
“Hi, Tony.”
“I see you’ve got a new next-door neighbour.” This came from the giant hotdog who was standing next to the burger.
“Hi, Clare. Yes, his name is Ivers. We’ve known each other for some time, actually.”
“That’s lucky. It’s always a bit of a worry, wondering who your new neighbours might turn out to be. No one wants to live next door to some weirdos.”
So said the giant burger.
“Mr Ivers is really nice,” I said. “You should go around there and introduce yourselves. It wouldn’t surprise me if he’d be up for cosplay. He’s game for most things.”
What? Of course I was going to throw them under the bus if it got Ivers off my back.
Snigger.
“That’s a great idea,” Tony said. “We’re always on the lookout for new blood. It’s a pity you and Jack aren’t able to come with us more often.”
“We’d love to. You know that. It’s just that we’re both so busy, what with the wedding and everything.”
“We were gutted we couldn’t make it to your wedding,” Clare said. “But we’d already committed to CheeseCon that weekend. It’s the same every year: FastFoodCon one weekend and CheeseCon the next. We’ve suggested they split them up because it can get tiresome, dressing up as food for two consecutive weeks, but they don’t seem to take any notice of us.”
“I can see how that must be tedious. Anyway, I’d better get going because I have dinner to make. Don’t forget to introduce yourselves to Mr Ivers.”
“Jill, we’re in here,” Jack called from the lounge.
We? Who was the we?
The sight that greeted me was so shocking that my legs almost gave way. Only by holding onto the door frame did I manage to stay upright.
Jack seemed not to notice my distress. “This is Jimmy and Kimmy—our new neighbours from across the road.”
Seated on the sofa were two clowns.
I tried to speak but was paralysed by fear.
“Are you okay?” the taller of the two said.
“Err—yeah, sorry. I haven’t eaten for a while. I just went a little light-headed, that’s all. I’m okay now.”
“I thought for a moment it might be our fault,” the shorter clown said. “You’ll probably be surprised to hear that there are some people who are afraid of clowns.”
“Really?” I feigned shock.
The tall clown stood up and offered his hand.
I hesitated, but then realised how ridiculous I was being.
“Nice to meet you,” I said, but immediately pulled away when the electric shock hit me.
“Sorry.” He laughed. “Old habits die hard.” He squeezed his red nose and made it squeak.
“That’s okay,” I said through gritted teeth.
“We were just on our way to a gig when Jack called us over.” He checked his comedy watch. “We really must get going. Come on, Sneezy.”
His partner pulled herself to her feet—her giant clown’s feet.
Jack saw them to the door; I followed at a safe distance behind.
“I thought you said their names were Jimmy and Kimmy?” I said after they’d left.
“Those are their real names. Breezy and Sneezy are their stage names.”
“Why did you invite them in?”
“It’s the neighbourly thing to do.”
“I thought you said they were something in show business.”
“Clowns are show business, aren’t they?”
“No, they’re pure evil.” I slumped onto the sofa. “After that nasty shock, the least you could do is make dinner.”
“Okay, but that’s one you owe me.”
“Of course, my darling.”
Just then, there was a knock at the door.
“If it’s the clowns, don’t let them back in,” I shouted.
“It’s Peter. Come on in.”
“Are you okay, Jill?” Peter asked. “You look pale.”
“I’m fine. I’ve just gone too long without anything to eat. Jack was just about to make dinner.”
“Do you want to join us?” Jack asked.
“No, thanks. I just popped over on my way home to take a look at the sandpit. This really is a weird neighbourhood you live in. When I got out of the van, there were two clowns across the road. And there’s a giant burger and hotdog talking to your next-door neighbour. It makes our street look positively boring.”
“I’ll show you the garden.” I pulled myself up off the sofa. “While Jack makes a start on dinner.”
“Are you sure you want to get rid of this?” Peter studied the sandpit. “You haven’t had it long.”
“Positive. The kids obviously aren’t that bothered about it, and it will be nice to get our garden back.”
“What were you thinking of having in its place?”
“Just a small lawn, and flowerbeds. Nothing too elaborate.”
“Okay. It shouldn’t be much of a job. I should be able to fit it in within the next two to three weeks.”
“Great. How much will it cost us?”
“Kathy came up with a good suggestion. We haven’t got around to buying you guys a wedding present yet, so why don’t we call this it?”
“Sounds good to me if you’re okay with that.”
“Definitely.”
“Hello, Jill!” Mr Ivers called from over the fence.
“Oh, hello, Mr Ivers.”
“Now we’re neighbours, you must call me Monty.” He glanced at Peter. “Aren’t you going to introduce me, Jill?”
“Sorry. This is Peter, my brother-in-law. Peter, this is Mr Ivers, our new next-door neighbour.”
“Pleased to meet you, Peter,” Mr Ivers said.
“Likewise.” Peter shook hands with him.
“I’ve just been talking to your other neighbours. This cosplay thing sounds fascinating. I’m going to join them for CheeseCon. I would have gone to FastFoodCon too, but apparently all the tickets have already been sold.”
“Peter’s here to look at the sandpit—we’re wanting to get rid of it. He has his own landscaping business.”
“Really?” He turned back to Peter. “I have my own business too. Do you like movies?”
Before I could warn him, Peter said, “I do enjoy a good film.”
“In that case, this is your lucky day.”
***
I was still chuckling to myself over dinner, long after Peter had left.
“You really dropped poor old Peter in it,” Jack said.
“It wasn’t my fault. He was the one who said he enjoyed movies. And anyway, he got fifty percent discount for being Ivers’ first ever customer.”
“Kathy will kill you.”
“She can’t, or she won’t get to be a bridesmaid.”
Jack was quiet for the rest of the meal.
“Are you okay?” I said.
“Yeah. I was just thinking about poor old Chris, locked up behind bars.”
“Have you heard back from his solicitor yet?”
“Not yet. He said he’d try and get back to me tonight or in the morning. You’ll need to be ready to go and see him at a moment’s notice.”
“No problem. Chris is my number one priority.”
“I still can’t believe that Sarah and Bill were having a fling.”
“Do you think Chris knew about it?”
“If he did, he hid it well because he acted the same way towards Bill as he always has.”
Chapter 11
For once, when I arrived at the office, Mrs V wasn’t knitting.
“Why won’t this stupid thing work?” She sighed.
“Is that your phone, Mrs V?”
“Yes. Armi bought it for me yesterday. I wanted a cerise one, but they only had white or black.”
“I didn’t have you down as a smart phone kind of a person.”
“Why? Because I’m getting on a bit? I still have all my faculties, you know.”
“I didn’t mean that. I know you have. I’ve just never seen you with a mobile phone before.”
“I’m not really a fan, but when I heard about the wap your grandmother had made, I had to get one.”
“What’s a—oh, hang on. Are you talking about an app?”
“Wap? App? Why do they have to use jargon? I heard that it would be available today, but I can’t see it on here.” She handed the phone to me.
“Have you actually installed it?”
“Installed what?”
“The wap—err—app?”
“How do I do that?”
“You have to go to the app store.”
She sighed again, even more exasperated this time. “Where’s that? I didn’t realise I’d have to go running around town.”