But I kept seeing the photo in my head, so I carried on. ‘People do dumb things, but that doesn’t make you a bad person. Whatever it is, you can tell me, Jonny.’
He focused right back on me again. It was like he was looking into my soul or something. ‘You’d hate me if you knew what I’ve let happen.’
I swallowed. I wouldn’t, would I? I shook my head. ‘Promise.’
But he must have seen I was scared, because I watched him shut back down again. I had messed it up.
‘There’s nothing to tell.’ He shrugged blankly. ‘Forget I said anything. I’m a state tonight. It’s better if you all just leave me the fuck alone, to be honest.’
I gave up and reached for the door. ‘I love you.’
‘What can I say?’ He looked at me desperately and our ritual didn’t seem so cute any more.
‘Say you love me,’ I whispered.
‘You know I do.’ His voice was toneless.
I can’t lie, I kind of wanted to go – the atmosphere was beyond toxic, and I needed to start getting ready for Alice’s, but I should have stayed. I think for the rest of my life, I will see him pushed up against that wall and know that’s what it looks like when you break someone who ought to be able to trust you – and you damage their sense of self so badly they won’t ever be able to recover.
I ran downstairs and was putting my shoes on in the hall when I looked up to see Gary through the gap of the door, sitting in his study. I straightened up quickly to leave, but the movement caught his eye. He got to his feet, came to the doorway and leant on the frame as I picked up my bag. I tensed and waited as he looked at me.
‘I’m sorry about what happened at dinner, sweetheart.’ He tried a smile, but I could tell he was still angry. ‘I was upset. Christy always says I handle things badly.’
I looked around for Jonny’s mum, but she was nowhere to be seen. It was just the two of us.
‘I’m just trying to look out for Jonny,’ Gary continued. ‘Whatever he thinks. I don’t always show it right, but what that woman has done to my son really offends me.’
That, I understood. ‘I know where she lives,’ I blurted, and Gary’s smile faded as he straightened up. ‘That doctor, I mean. And her husband. Obviously.’
Gary’s gaze darted up the empty hall, then back to me. ‘Go on, babe. I’m listening,’ he said softly.
* * *
Once I was back at home getting ready, I wished I hadn’t told Gary anything, although a part of me liked the idea of him storming round there and giving them what for. She definitely deserved it – but then a text from Jonny pinged through which made me feel instantly better. Until I read it.
Still at home. Don’t worry about me. Probably come over later to Alice’s but I’ll call first. Cheers.
Cheers? I sat down on my bed and tried not to cry again. We were so over. I’d lost him. I wasn’t sorry at all then that I’d told Gary how to find her.
I called Jonny again later to see what he’d decided about coming out, but he didn’t pick up, so at about quarter to eight I drove back over to his house on my way to the party. I couldn’t help myself. I needed to see him again and was prepared to use any excuse. I was only a couple of minutes away when another text pinged in from him. I pulled over quickly. It said he’d decided to stay at home and would catch up with me in the morning.
He wanted to stay at home after what had happened when he’d been so desperate to leave he’d been phoning Ol? What?
I paused and sent him the kissing, heart and boy and girl holding hands emoji. Then I waited in the dark, just sat in the driver’s seat going nowhere, for him to send something back. He always texted back.
But nothing happened.
He’d gone.
18
Rob
I began to pick up speed as I neared the house again, going for the sprint finish. My lungs were about to explode, I could feel every muscle, sinew and tendon straining to the max as the lactic acid build up began to take over… and I couldn’t do it. Hitting the wall, I gave up and stopped, panting heavily, hands resting on the front of my burning thighs and clouds of breath surrounding me. Bloody kids. I couldn’t sleep past seven a.m. any more but was too out of shape to maximise the gold-dust opportunity of a Saturday morning run. The paradox of parenthood had struck again.
I started to walk the last bit, chest still heaving as I breathed the mushroomy dampness in the air and glanced at raindrops clinging to browning leaves. I wiped the sweat from my face and enjoyed the stillness of the quiet woods – but then the birds began to scatter in the trees above, flying away, chattering anxiously as I heard the distant wail of sirens approaching from behind me. I glanced over my shoulder and stepped on to the verge as not one, but three police cars and an ambulance, lights flashing, shot past so fast I was covered in a fine mist of wet spray from the road and bits of grit and twig. I blinked and wiped my eyes in confusion, as it dawned on me that they were, of course, heading in the direction of our house.
Alex.
My panic was as physical as the sensation of falling just before sleep, and my body jolted into action. I started to run, fire tearing through my muscles instantly, but this time I didn’t stop. I should have checked her before I left. Why didn’t I do that? She’d told me she was desperate, and I left her to take sleeping pills, alone. Was I mad? Was I fucking MAD?
‘No!’ I gasped desperately, rounding the corner expecting to see the cars surrounding the cottage, the police breaking in – but there it was, just as I’d left it forty minutes earlier. No sign of any activity at all. I hurtled to the gate and shoved it open, before fumbling with my keys in the door and crashing up the stairs. I flung open the door to our bedroom, to see her lying on her side, still under the duvet, looking at her phone.
‘You’re all right!’ I exclaimed as the door smacked into the wardrobe. ‘Oh, thank God.’
She lifted her head up. ‘What on earth’s the matter? You look like you’re about to have a heart attack.’ She looked at my feet. ‘You’re also treading mud everywhere.’
I glanced down in confusion. She was right.
‘Sorry,’ I said automatically. ‘I thought you were—’ I was forced to stop and bend over to rest my hands on my thighs. I literally couldn’t catch my breath and thought I was about to be sick, or collapse. Maybe she was right and I was having a heart attack.
‘You thought I was what?’
‘I don’t even know really.’ I straightened up as I tried to calm down. ‘I was just – I saw three police cars and an ambulance go past in this direction, lights blaring. I was coming back from a run. I just – panicked.’
‘You thought I’d done something silly?’
‘Yes – no… I don’t know!’
‘I would never do that to you and the girls. Ever.’ She sat up properly, put her phone down on the mattress, and for the first time since it had all happened, she smiled properly at me. ‘I actually feel great. I slept and it was amazing. I took the pill, closed my eyes and thought “Well this is rubbish, nothing’s happening” opened them again and it was ten hours later!’
‘Wow!’ I said weakly, starting to take off my trainers. She was right – I’d made a right mess everywhere. ‘That’s impressive.’
‘Yes – and also very scary,’ she said. ‘You can see how people get addicted.’ She rolled over, sat up, and the open envelope tumbled out of a duvet crease. It was empty.
‘Alex, how many of those did you take last night?’ I stared at it.