‘For fuck’s sake!’ I roared, jumping up and booting it as hard as I could back at Rik, who was holding his hands up in apology. He ducked but it hit the pillar anyway and crashed down onto one of the tables, knocking over several cans of Coke and decimating two of the girls’ lunches. ‘Could you just all FUCK OFF!’ I shouted.
A silence fell as everyone stopped what they were doing and looked at me. The only sound was the cheap school radio in the corner tinnily playing that sodding James Hype track, ‘More Than Friends’.
I closed my eyes, trying to ignore the lyrics and the sudden wave of panic I was experiencing, but when I opened them again, everyone was still looking at me uncertainly, even Cherry – her mouth had fallen open in disbelief. My heart started thumping with embarrassment and anger. I grabbed my bag and banged out of the room, shoving past the Year 8 kids running down the corridor towards me, and out through the main door to the car park.
I heard my iPhone start ringing in my bag the second I’d slung it on the back seat, but I ignored it and drove off so fast I did an accidental wheel spin as I turned to drive down the hill. All of the younger boys playing out the front cheered, but their reaction barely registered with me. On autopilot I drove out of the town and along the back roads to the bunny run, turning right suddenly in front of an oncoming Lexus that blasted the horn angrily. I didn’t even care. I drove too fast along the windy road, almost losing it on a bend. I was lucky that nothing was coming in the opposite direction. I pulled off into the closed farm shop car park again. There were actually a couple of cars there, just two people eating lunch in the front seats of a Peugeot and one older bloke letting a dog out of the back of a Volvo. I bounced over the potholes and stopped in front of the five-bar gate – staring at it. In the cold light of day, I couldn’t believe it was so exposed. Anyone could have pulled up and seen us. A hot wave of humiliation and shame washed over me and, to my surprise, I realised I had tears in my eyes. She had used me – and she’d known it. She’d told me herself what we’d done was wrong: she was sorry, and I should stay away from her.
I jumped as a man with a dog suddenly appeared alongside the window and walked past the bonnet, glancing at me briefly. I quickly brushed the tears away and started the engine up again, reversing quickly, before turning around and re-joining the main road.
I began the drive back into town and started to think about Dad. I remembered him on the last morning of holiday – less than a week ago – smirking and patting me on the back, happily calling me a dirty little stop out, when I came back from my night at Alex’s hotel. He’d been pleased as punch. I took my hand off the steering wheel and felt under my rolled-up shirt sleeve, pulling it up slightly so I could glance at my tattoo, the one Dad had come with me to get when we’d gone to Paris to watch the footie with two of his mates. A boys’ weekend.
‘He would have got one anyway.’ He’d been completely unapologetic when Mum had spied the plaster on my arm and hit the roof. ‘Better I was there to make sure it was a safe place and not some dodgy gaff where he’d have come out with a cabbage inked on his arm and Christ knows what else from dirty needles?’
The thing is, I’d not even especially wanted one in the first place. It had been his idea. I let him pressure me into doing something I didn’t feel comfortable with because I didn’t take control of the situation.
On impulse, I took a left-hand turn and started to drive back towards the surgery. I was going to sort this out properly, once and for all.
I parked up on the street rather than driving back into the doctor’s car park, where she might see my car and refuse to come out, holding herself hostage in her consulting room. I walked down the slope and noticed her car parking space was empty. Confused, I looked around but spotted her BMW parked right at the back, out of the way, where she was obviously trying to hide from view. Well, I’d seen her.
I carried my rucksack up to the grassy bank beside it, took my coat off and sat down behind the car, out of sight – and I waited.
* * *
I don’t know exactly how long I sat there – I did a bit of work and went on my phone, ignoring the hundred odd messages from Cherry – but I was cold by the time Alex appeared, ready to go home. She blipped the car then jumped.
‘What the hell are you doing?’ she gasped. ‘You scared the life out of me! You can’t jump out at people like that – Jesus Christ!’
I realised suddenly how much she liked the drama. ‘I didn’t jump out.’ I got up stiffly. ‘I just want to talk to you, that’s all.’ I opened the passenger door and climbed in.
She opened the driver’s side, her eyes wide, and said in a terrified voice: ‘I need you to get out of my car now. Or I’m going to scream.’
My heart sank. She was determined to persist with this stranger crap. I sighed, climbed out again and walked round to her.
She moved back. ‘Did you not hear what I said to you earlier? Even if I wanted to, doctors aren’t allowed to have relationships with their patients. I would lose my job. I want you to leave, now. Just go home, Jonathan.’
She went to step round me and I reached up and calmly took her wrist.
Her eyes widened with fear. ‘Let go of me, now.’
‘I’m not going to hurt you. Stop being dramatic,’ I retorted. ‘I don’t actually want to touch you ever again. But what you tried to do today when I came to see you was wrong. You know what has happened between us and how many times you initiated it. You were using me. So, I don’t understand why, after we agreed to end it, you turned up at my house last night, but it’s pushed this over a line for me. I told you earlier to stay away, but that’s not enough. I know you’ll ignore me just like all of the other times. So, I’m taking control of this now. If you contact me again, or pull any more weird stunts like last night, I will make a formal complaint about you. Everyone will know what a hands-on doctor you are, and how committed to your patients you like to be.’
She sighed wearily. ‘You’ve got absolutely no proof of everything you just said. No one would believe you. Yes, we had sex in Ibiza, but I didn’t know who you were. That’s not a punishable offence. It was a one-off mistake on my part.’
I glanced up again and noticed a sharply dressed older man across the way, stood between two cars, watching us. There was something odd about the expression on his face and I realised he must know Alex, even though she had her back to him and he couldn’t see her face at all. He was clearly very familiar with her.
I had an idea, and without thinking twice, I lowered my head and kissed her softly on the lips. She couldn’t help but kiss me back for a moment, but then remembered where she was and pulled away.
‘Oh look,’ I nodded at the man, just stood there, watching us, ‘I think I’ve just found my first witness.’
She spun round and watched the man climb into his Land Rover and drive off at pace. Her mouth fell open.
‘I take it you know him?’ I said, pleased.
‘He’s my colleague.’
I gave a sympathetic shrug. ‘Oh well now, that’s bad luck.’ Irritatingly, although I badly wanted to enjoy the personal satisfaction of a pivotal moment I’d just created out of thin air, I felt nothing at all. Just empty.
She wiped the back of her mouth in disgust, glared at me, got into her car and drove off, leaving me just standing there, alone.
But my mind suddenly felt clearer and lighter than it had for a long time. I knew that I’d begun the end. It was all going to come out, but it felt really good that I’d done something positive to stop her game playing. I walked back to my car and climbed in. I already felt a sense of relief.
I drove home, had a shower and waited for Mum and Dad to get back. I heard them come in together chattering away; Mum was laughing at something. When I went downstairs they were in the kitchen, Mum sat on one of the stools rubbing her heels and Dad pouring her glass of Friday night fizz.