I say nothing. I feel like I’m in a nightmare where you desperately need to scream and run away but your voice has disappeared and your feet are stuck to the floor.
‘I’m serious, Sue. Agree to see the doctor or this marriage is over.’
I should react. I should tell Brian that I believe in him, that there must be some logical explanation for Charlotte writing what she did, that we can work through this together but I feel dead inside.
‘Just nod your head, Sue. Nod your head that you agree to see a doctor and … and …’ he tails off as I slowly shake my head from side to side. ‘I’ll just go then, shall I?.’
He’s speaking slower than normal, pausing between sentences and giving extra weight to his words. He’s waiting for me to say something. He’s giving me the opportunity to interrupt.
I close my eyes.
‘Okay.’ His voice is even softer. ‘Okay.’
The floorboards squeak under the carpet as he crosses the room and the brass discs on Milly’s collar clank together as she stands up. A second later I hear a click as the living room door is pulled shut.
The grandfather clock tick-tick-ticks in the corner of the room.
Saturday 18th November 1990
I went to the Southbank to see the World War II undiscovered photos exhibit with Rupert today.
We bought the tickets months ago and, seeing as he’s the only person I know who’s as fascinated by the Second World War as I am, I expected him to be as super excited. Instead he seemed a bit off, looking at me strangely when I gave him a kiss on the cheek hello instead of a hug, and he barely said a word as we drifted from photo to photo and I wittered on about the cut of this outfit and the shape of that. When we stopped for coffee, I asked what was wrong.
‘You and Hels haven’t split up, have you?’
‘No,’ he smiled tightly. ‘Nothing like that.’
‘What then? You’ve been weird all afternoon.’
‘I’ve been weird?’ he raised a dark eyebrow.
‘What’s that supposed to mean?’
‘You haven’t spoken to Hels for four weeks.’
‘So?’
‘Your boyfriend ruined her dinner party and you haven’t phoned once to see how she is.’
‘James didn’t ruin her dinner party!’ He’d made a couple of snarky comments maybe, but people had laughed. They weren’t that bad.
‘Really?’ He raised an eyebrow again. ‘Is that why Hels burst into tears the second you both left – halfway through dessert.’
‘James felt sick. He needed to get home.’
‘I’m not surprised considering how pissed he was.’
‘So we left early? So what? Is there a law that says you have to stay until after coffee, or cheese and biscuits, or whatever? I can’t believe you’re giving me a hard time because of that.’
Rupert shook his head. ‘I’m not giving you a hard time, Susan. I’m concerned. We both are.’
‘I’m fine. In fact, I’ve never been happier.’
‘Really? You’re honestly happy with someone who refers to your friends as,’ he gazed to the left as though recollecting, ‘Fat Arse and Dull Face?’
My cheeks grew hot.
‘Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Dumber? Gingerpubes and her Fat Bear?’
‘I …’ I pressed my hands to my face. ‘I don’t know what to—’
‘We heard the whole conversation, Sue. It’s not a big flat and the walls are paper thin. Helen was incredibly hurt.’
‘I’m sorry.’ And I was, really, really sorry. I apologized over and over saying that James was acting out of character because he’d suffered a bereavement and he didn’t know how to deal with it.
‘I’m sure he wouldn’t have been so rude if he’d actually got to know the two of you.’
Rupert sat back in his chair and ran a hand over his face. ‘What about you? Whilst you were still in the loo James asked if we were all as slutty as you when we were in our twenties. Why would he say that?’
‘To wind you up because he was bored? I don’t know.’ James’ remark stung but Rupert’s faux concern and gently, gently way of speaking was starting to irritate me. Could he be more condescending? ‘He was probably having a dig at you because we slept together back then.’
‘But he’s okay with us meeting for coffee, is he?’
I glanced away. ‘Actually he’s not in London this weekend. He’s taken his mother to Cardiff to see family.’
‘Right. And would you still have met up with me if James hadn’t gone away for the weekend?’
‘’Course.’
It was a lie and we both knew it. I knew how James would react if he could see me sitting with Rupert.
‘Sue.’ Rupert reached for my hand. I snatched it away. ‘Please ring Hels. She’s worried about you.’
‘Well, she shouldn’t be.’ I stood up and put on my coat. How dare they act so sanctimonious and holier than thou just because my boyfriend got a bit drunk and mouthy? ‘I’m fine. In fact, I’m more than fine. I’m happier than I’ve been in a long, long time.’
‘You know where we are,’ Rupert called after me as I stalked out of the Southbank Centre, ‘if you need us.’
Chapter 12
‘Charlotte, it’s Mummy.’ I hold my daughter’s slender hand in mine.
Outside it’s a glorious day. The sun is shining, the sky is blue and cloudless and the air is thick with the scent of honeysuckle blossom, but when I woke up this morning it wasn’t the sunlight streaming through the curtains that I noticed first, it was the empty space beside me in the bed.
‘Charlotte,’ I run my thumb over the back of her hand. Her skin is incredibly soft. ‘I need to talk to you about Daddy.’
The heart rate monitor in the corner of the room maintains its slow steady pace.
‘Charlotte, the secret you wrote about in your diary,’ I crane my neck to the right to check that no one is hovering in the doorway. The corridor is empty but I lower my voice anyway. ‘It was to do with your Daddy, wasn’t it? He hurt you and I … I wasn’t there to protect you. I didn’t stop it from happening. I didn’t realize and …’
I reach for my glass of water and take a sip, my mouth suddenly dry.