“You think you would never,” Michel points out. “But these things get out of hand. I’ve seen it happen a hundred times. End it. You’re a better man than this. Corinne deserves better, and so do you. If there’s a problem in your marriage, put in the time to fix it. Don’t occupy yourself with distractions.”
I nod, because he’s right. Because I’ve been pathetic, and my brother knows it. My cheeks flush because I’m humiliated.
“Please, don’t say anything to Corinne,” I say, staring him down. “I’m asking this as your brother. I’ll end it.”
“I’m always your brother,” he assures me. “This is yours to handle. But I love you, and, bro, this is a dangerous path. I just had to tell you that. I love Corinne, too. I don’t want either of you to get hurt.”
“We won’t,” I assure him. “Let’s just chalk it up to something else dumb that Jude did and move on.”
“Corinne called me this morning,” he says. “She has a feeling something is off. You need to handle things, Jude.”
“I will,” I promise. Somehow.
“We don’t have to speak of it again,” Michel confirms. “I just had to say something.”
“I appreciate that. Now, I’ve got to get to work,” I tell him, and I feel like I have to be careful now. He’s going to watch everything I do to make sure I’m coloring inside the lines.
He rolls his eyes. “Stop. I trust you.”
He gets up, and then he’s gone. I watch his truck rumble out of the neighborhood, and I slump against the wall, and my knees literally feel weak.
Fuck.
Me.
33
Now
Corinne
Reflections Mental Facility “Let’s talk about Michel,” Dr. Phillips suggests. “Just for a moment.”
I nod. Because that won’t be hard.
“They’re twins,” I tell him. “Identical. Michel is three minutes older, and he always holds it over Jude’s head. When they were little, they dressed alike to trick people. Typical twin stuff.”
“You get along well with him?”
I nod. “Yeah. He’s easy to get along with. Plus, I’m married to his twin. So I feel like I know him very well. They’re very similar.”
“Except that Michel is a priest.” Dr. Phillips states the obvious.
“Yeah, except for that.”
“So you do get along with him.”
“Yes. He’s funny, he’s sincere. He’s not uptight or stuffy like you’d think a priest would be. He’s real.”
“Do you trust him?”
“Yeah. Of course. He’s never lied to me.”
“So when he told you that Jude wasn’t doing anything wrong, you believed him?”
I nod. “Yeah. Aside from me, Michel knows Jude better than anyone. In fact, at times, I think he might know parts of Jude better than me. I’m sure Jude confides in him about me. And I don’t mind. Everyone needs a confidant.”
“True.” The doctor nods. “Everyone does. Who would you say is yours? Besides Jude, I mean.”
“My sister, Jackie. And my friend Lucy. I don’t open up to people easily, but my sister has always been my best friend. She knows me, you know? She was there for...well, back then. And Lucy... She’s worked side by side with me at work, day in and day out. The things we have to do, it brings people together, you know?”
He nods. “Yes. I can imagine.”
“But back to Michel... I trust him,” I say, because I feel that I need to emphasize that. “I trust him right now to take care of Jude while I’m gone. He’s taken care of Jude his whole life. He’s not going to stop now.”
“Why do you say it that way?” Dr. Phillips asks curiously. “Do you feel that Jude needs to be taken care of?”
I pause, reflecting on that.
“No. He just forgets to do stuff, like shop for groceries. Michel will make sure he does.”
“Michel is more responsible?”
I shake my head. “It’s not like that. It’s just the difference in their personalities. They might be twins, but Michel has always played the role of older brother, and Jude has played the younger brother. I think that’s normal, right?”
The doctor nods. “Yes, it’s very typical of twins. And of human beings in general. There has to be a pecking order. It makes people comfortable. Everyone has a role.”
I agree, and I’ve seen Michel and Jude play out that relationship throughout the years, ever since I’ve known them, and far before that, I’m sure.
“They take care of each other, though,” I add. “Jude takes care of Michel, too. There’s nothing they wouldn’t do for each other.”
“Would you say that they’d protect each other no matter the consequence?”
His question is odd, and I tell him that.
“Humor me.” He smiles. “Would they lie for each other?”
I think on that. “I’m not sure. Probably.”
It’s something I ponder long after our session ends, and that makes me uneasy even as I try to sleep.
It’s almost as though Dr. Phillips knows something I don’t.
But that’s crazy.
Isn’t it?
34
Two days, five hours until Halloween Jude
Our bedroom is dark, and Corinne is sleeping.
Her hand hangs over the bed, her blond hair spread across her pillow. A strand of it tickles my nose, and I brush it away. She doesn’t stir.
My phone lights up on the nightstand again, as it has every few minutes for the past hour.
I see the picture of Zoe from here, nude, provocative, racy.
I reach out and grab the phone, pulling it to me, shielding it in case Corinne opens her eyes.
Why aren’t you sleeping? I ask Zoe.
Because I’m thinking about you, she answers.
A knot forms in my belly.
I don’t know what to do.
I don’t know how to handle this.
It’s gone so far. Too far.
Jude? I feel like you’re slipping away from me.
What the fuck is she talking about? I’m not hers. I never have been.
You know I’m married, I tell her.
Yes. But I mean, aside from her. I feel like you’re not interested anymore.
Corinne rolls over in her sleep, turning her back to me, and I stick the phone under the covers, just in case she wakes. I wait for a few minutes, waiting for her breathing to deepen and even out again.
When it does, I pull my phone back out.
Zoe has texted again.
I’m going to bed. But know this, I’m not ready to let you go yet. I’ll compete for you, Ash. And you’ll like it.
I don’t bother answering.
This isn’t going to end well. There is no competition. I’m married, and I have no plans to change that. Why Zoe thinks otherwise, I don’t know.
I stare at the ceiling for a long time, before I text my brother.
Hey, I know you’re sleeping, but I’ve got a problem. I need your advice. Can we meet for dinner tomorrow?
I delete Zoe’s texts and am just putting my phone on the nightstand again when my brother answers.
Of course. I’ll see you tomorrow night. Don’t worry. Everything will be fine.
His words do calm me.
Because he’s right.
Everything will be fine. I’m in control of this. I started it, and I can end it. It’s up to me.
*
“Grow a pair,” I mumble to myself, staring at my phone yet again on the way to work. I’m at a stoplight, and it’s broad daylight, and I’m watching a video from Zoe, when I should throw my phone out the window.
She’s fingering herself, moaning my name, and I shouldn’t watch it because I don’t even like her, but yet I am. And I’m hard.
There’s something seriously wrong with me.
She texts me an hour later.
Well, did you like that?
I don’t know what to say.
So I don’t say anything.
I focus on work, and when Zoe texts at the end of the afternoon, I finally reply.
I’m sorry—busy with patients all day!
She answers immediately. When am I going to see you again?
I don’t know, I reply, and that’s the truth.
She responds with a frowny face.
I call my brother, and it goes straight to voice mail.
He texts a little bit later.
Sorry, bro. Someone died. I’m with their family. I can’t make dinner tonight. We’ll catch up soon. You ok?
I sigh. No, I’m not. Of course I’m not. But I don’t say that to him. I lie.
Yeah, I’m fine.
35
Now
Jude
I’m resting on the couch when the doorbell rings.
My eyes pop open in the dark, because who is coming at this hour?
Michel, I decide as I head to the door. Artie isn’t even growling.
But it’s not my brother standing on the porch with a take-out bag.
It’s Zoe.