I don’t have to explain what I’m talking about.
Jackie stares at me. “Why? Why can’t you just leave it alone, Corinne? You’ve got a new life now. None of that matters.”
“It does matter,” I argue. “It affects me in ways I don’t even understand. I don’t remember everything that happened, and until I do... Until I do, I worry I might go crazy like Dad.”
“Dad didn’t go crazy,” Jackie says adamantly, like she always does. “It was a crime of passion. He... It was a bad situation. Love triangles and all that.”
She’s uncomfortable now. She hates to talk about what Dad did. What he did to our mother.
“Yeah. But...” I trail off, uncertain how much I should say...about myself.
“What?”
“I feel like I’m going crazy, Jacks. I hear things. Whispers. I see words written on things that aren’t there. I don’t know what’s happening, but I feel this overwhelming feeling that I need to run away. That I’m not safe. That I might be crazy.”
“You’re not,” Jackie says quickly, reaching over to grab my hand. She squeezes my fingers tight. “You’re not. You’re the sanest person I know.”
“I don’t feel like it right now. I keep having weird feelings about Jude, too.”
Jackie watches me. “Like what? You don’t feel attracted to him? Because that would be normal. You’re pregnant.”
I shake my head. “No, not that. I feel like he... I’m scared he is... I mean, what if he’s cheating on me?”
My sister bursts out laughing, then after a moment, she stops and looks at me. “You’re not kidding?”
I shake my head, and I feel silly.
She smiles. “Your hormones are twisting you all up,” she says. “Jude would never cheat on you, Corinne. That man loves you more than anyone I’ve ever seen.”
“Yeah. I know,” I murmur.
I lay my head back on the chair, and Jackie examines me.
“You’re pale,” she tells me. “Paler than normal.”
“I know.”
“I think you’re losing weight, too.”
“I’m sicker than a dog. That’s why.”
“I bet your hormones are just making you feel weird,” she finally says. “You’re not crazy. Hormones are powerful things, Corinne. They can wreak havoc on a person.”
“Yeah, I know.”
This isn’t hormones. I don’t tell her, though. She doesn’t want to worry, and I don’t want to burden her.
We chat for another hour or so, and then Jackie takes her leave, hugging me at the front door. She smells like Chanel, and it turns my stomach. I gulp in fresh air.
“Let me know if you need anything,” she says, staring into my eyes. “I mean it.”
“Of course.”
“You’ve got the baby to think of now. You’ve got to take care of yourself.”
“I know. Hey, Jackie, don’t tell Jude yet. I’m going to tell him as a surprise. I’m just waiting for the perfect time.”
She grins. “My lips are sealed. He’s going to be ecstatic.”
She hugs me again and waves as she trips down the steps.
I watch her drive down the road, and the dead leaves flutter on the road behind her. I close the front door, closing out October’s cold air with the thick iron of the door. My house is a fortress. I made it that way on purpose. It might’ve been subconscious, but my house is no less safe because of it.
I head back into the kitchen, stopping first at the fireplace to turn the flames on. The wood and the tiles are cold this time of year.
I let Artie in, and I’m pouring another cup of hot chocolate when my phone rings.
I glance at it, and it’s Jude’s name flashing at me.
“Hey, babe,” I answer, balancing my cup and my phone as I head to my chair.
“Just checking on you,” he says, the huskiness of his voice rasping in my ear. “You doing okay?”
“Yep,” I tell him. “I’m feeling better.”
“Good. Do I need to bring you something home for lunch?”
“No, don’t drive all that way,” I tell him. “I’m not that hungry.”
“Okay. I’m coming home early this evening,” he answers. “Get some rest.”
“Will do, boss.”
“If only,” he says wryly.
I laugh.
We hang up, and Artie whines at the door. Ready to go again already.
“You have a bladder the size of a peanut,” I tell her, letting her out. She races past me with intention, bounding down the back porch and out to the fence. She lunges at it, barking loudly, trying with all her might to get through.
Alarmed, I go out, wrapping my sweater tightly around me.
“Artie, stop!” I call out as I get closer. “Stop.”
She doesn’t even look up, her paws scratching at the fence, barking and growling.
“Hush, girl.” I grab her collar and try to peer through the slats. There’s nothing there. “There’s nothing here.”
I pull her toward the house, and when I reach the back steps, I swear I hear someone laughing.
A weird giggle, carried on the cold wind.
A woman.
I whirl around, but just like I suspected, there’s no one there.
30
Two days, fourteen hours until Halloween Jude
Are you coming to the diner for breakfast?
I answer Zoe’s text quickly. I’m running behind today.
You’ve been running late a lot lately.
She seems accusatory, suspicious.
Suddenly, it occurs to me that Zoe knows everything about me. My wife’s name, my name, my address. If things end badly, she could blow my entire life up.
I can’t let that happen. So I have to make sure they don’t end “badly.”
Maybe I can make it.
Try! she answers, then adds a winky face.
I finish lacing up my shoes, then pause. I’m actually running a bit late. If I go jogging, I won’t have time for breakfast.
Sighing, I take my shoes back off.
I text her back.
I’ll be there.
“Hey, who are you talking to so early?”
I turn, and Corinne is in the door of my closet, watching me sleepily.
I slide my phone into my pocket quickly. “Just Michel. He wants to have breakfast.”
Corinne glances at the time. “You’d better hurry, then. You’ll be late for work.”
“Yeah, I know. I’ll have to skip my run.”
I strip off my clothes, and Corinne pecks me on the cheek. “I still feel yuck. I’m going back to bed.”
“Have a good day, babe.”
I put on slacks and a shirt and head to my truck.
Somehow, the drive to the diner feels more like a prison sentence than anything else. This whole thing with Zoe has become tedious, a tricky balancing act.
I’m not sure it’s worth the thrill anymore.
In fact, as I make my way through the café and see Zoe’s flushed face, and the way she looks at me so possessively, I know it’s not.
It’s not worth it.
Not anymore.
In fact, it wasn’t ever.
31
Two days, thirteen hours until Halloween Corinne
“How you feeling?” Jackie asks when I answer the phone.
I take stock as I make tea. “Okay, I guess,” I tell her. “I haven’t thrown up yet.”
“Good,” she tells me. “That’s progress.”
“I guess,” I say, holding my hot cup in my hands, warming my fingers. “How are you?”
“I’m good,” she says brightly. “Teddy is going to take me on a last-minute getaway. I’m so excited I can’t see straight.”
“Where to?” I ask, more to make conversation than anything else.
“Sonoma and Napa. I’ll bring you back some wine. You can have it after the baby’s born.”
I smile. “Thank you. I’m sure I’ll need it.”
She giggles. “I leave tomorrow, and I’ll be gone for a week. Do you need anything before I go?”
“Nope. But thanks for checking.”
“Okay. Well, I’ve gotta go do laundry and pack.”
“Talk to you later.”
I hang up and turn the fireplace on, and as I do, I see Michel’s truck pulling into the drive. He and Jude must’ve cut breakfast short.
He doesn’t even knock. Like usual, he just pokes his head in and calls to me.
“Come in, goofball,” I tell him. “I’m right here.”
He has two cups of coffee in his hands, and a sack.
“I came to bring my brother breakfast,” he says. “Am I too late to catch him?”
I pause, startled, and my chest feels weird. Tight.
“Um, weren’t you meeting him at the café?”
He blinks, staring at me.
One beat passes.
Then two.