III
My barrister, Xander Jackson, returned this document ten days ago. It might sound stupid but I’ve missed it, even felt worried about it. I’ve missed the act of writing it, almost like it is in control of the end of the story. And I’m desperate to know what happens next, where we go from here.
‘This is dynamite,’ Xander said when he handed it back to me. ‘In both a good and bad way. There’s loads we can use here, but also I think you should destroy it.’
‘No way,’ I said.
‘I thought you might say that,’ he said. ‘But if you don’t destroy it you have to absolutely promise me you’ll never show it to anyone. Our case is fucked if you do.’
‘Why?’
‘Because it makes you sound a bit unhinged.’
‘What are you talking about?’
He laughed. ‘Sorry, unhinged is probably too strong a word. I didn’t mean that. It’s just, well, some people might not entirely understand what you feel about Verity. They might misinterpret some of the things you did, like waiting outside her office and walking past her house. You know.’
‘Not really.’
Xander composed his face and leant forward, his hands clasped in front of him. ‘In all seriousness though, Mike, we’re going to plead not guilty.’
‘But I did it,’ I said. ‘I’m not denying I threw the punches. I mean, there were witnesses apart from anything else.’
‘Yes,’ Xander said. ‘But you’ve been charged with murder and I’m pretty sure we can get it reduced to manslaughter. If we plead not guilty, then the charge of manslaughter is still on the sheet and the judge can direct the jury to convict you of that rather than murder. It makes a massive difference to sentencing.’
Xander is an idiot like all the others, but an idiot my lawyer assures me we need. He is a dick-slapping show-off who might not go to the clubs George frequents, or beat up women like the men my mother chose, but he’s still an arse. I’m sure he’s married with a couple of kids, but still looks at pretty girls on the street, still allows himself the odd fumble at Christmas parties. His cheeks are ruddy and I expect he gets excited by bonfires and how to cook lamb and chopping wood, a type of person I didn’t even know existed until I went to university, but they do, I promise. He thinks he got into being a lawyer to help people and do good, and doesn’t like to admit that sometimes it gives him a hard-on defending impossible cases. And also he likes the money. But right now he is the best chance I have of getting out of here and starting my real life with V.
Initially I didn’t want to implicate V at all. But Xander had some powerful arguments. ‘Do you really think she’ll be outside the prison gates waiting for you if you’re in here for ten or more years and she gets off scot-free?’ he asked after we’d sweated out the argument in a strip-lit cell for hours and hours. I could feel the sweat pooling under my prison-issue clothes and the ants in my bloodstream were running riot.
‘A girl like that? Especially after all the media coverage? She could write a book, be the toast of the town. There’ll be loads of men queuing up to take her on dates. Besides, I think it’s damned unfair for you to take all the blame on your own. I hadn’t thought of it before I read your document, but you were clearly coerced and you have to ask yourself why she did that.’
‘It was part of the Crave,’ I said. ‘I thought I explained that. And she didn’t coerce me. I enjoyed it.’
Xander waved this away. ‘Do you know she was the sole beneficiary in Angus Metcalf’s will? That girl is a multi-millionaire now.’
I shook my head. ‘V would never do any of the things you’re suggesting for money.’
He smiled. ‘Just an added bonus then, shall we say.’
I didn’t like his tone, but there was no point in losing my temper. ‘I don’t want to shift the blame on to her.’
‘Look, there’s no doubting you threw the fatal punch. But there are so many unanswered questions, so many ways we can get the jury to question her and then start to see you in a different light. I mean, for a start, why hadn’t she told Angus you were in contact? Why didn’t she report the assault straight after it happened? Why didn’t she tell Angus as soon as he got home? Why the fuck did she ring you to warn you he was coming round that night?’
‘It wasn’t assault,’ I said, thinking back to the glorious kiss V and I had shared which still rested like velvet in my soul.
‘Exactly. So, you have to ask yourself why she’s saying that now, all of a sudden. Doesn’t it make you doubt her intentions all along?’ Xander leant forward as he spoke, his Adam’s apple bobbing and his cheeks flushed.
‘I don’t expect you to understand. It’s part of our game. I don’t want people to doubt her.’
He looked straight at me. ‘Mike, they either have to doubt you or her. We can’t go after Angus because he’s dead and juries tend to feel sorry for the victim. If they believe you did it out of jealousy it plays very badly. Murder carries a mandatory life sentence and even if we got manslaughter you’d be looking at ten to fifteen years. We can say you didn’t mean to kill him until we’re blue in the face, but they won’t believe you. You beat him up pretty badly, apart from anything else, which doesn’t look good. But if you were so distressed you lost control then maybe we can turn them towards a more lenient version of manslaughter. What if your mind was turned by Verity? If her hold over you was so strong that you thought you were doing what she wanted? Then, then we’ve got a chance.’
My mind felt fuzzy. ‘But I’ll still have to go to prison.’
‘I think that’s going to be unavoidable. But what I’m suggesting is the difference between ten and five years, maybe less. You won’t even be forty when you get out.’
‘What will happen to Verity?’ I was thinking about how I would visit the prison gym in the evening and press weights.
Xander sucked in some air, as if he really was human. ‘That’s what we need to discuss, Mike. And I need you to listen carefully and think about what’s best for both of you. It’s not going to be pretty for her either way. We’ll have to tear her apart in court a bit and all your secrets will come out. But I think we need to go further. Maybe …’ He tried to look uncomfortable, but it didn’t sit well on his smooth features. ‘Maybe she’ll have to pay for what she’s done. Literally, I mean.’
I decided on heavier weights. ‘I don’t want her upset.’
Xander sighed. ‘Come on, Mike, this is serious. This is your life we’re talking about.’ He stood and leant over the desk. ‘Bottom line, you’re going down for this and I don’t think it’s fair for you to take this all on your own. Verity might not have thrown the punch, she might not even have actually asked you to do it, but she’s as guilty as you are in some ways. Come on, she was clearly in love with you and wanted out of her marriage.’
‘I don’t understand what you’re saying.’
‘Mike,’ Xander said, his voice lowered like I would imagine him speaking to his children when they were naughty and he was being reasonable. ‘I’m duty-bound to go to the police with what you’ve told me.’
‘But I haven’t told you anything.’
He tapped my document. ‘It’s all in here. You know they’ve had Verity in for questioning a few times already?’ I shook my head. ‘They’re obviously suspicious about her involvement. If I tell them what you’ve told me I think there’s a chance she could be charged with accessory to murder.’
‘No. Absolutely not.’