CHAPTER NINETEEN
The rest of the day passed by in radical shifts. I was drugged and under for periods of time. Then I’d awake, squirming in the bed, almost rising above it, kept in place only by the ropes that kept me down. I was out of control, then in control, then out of control, then in control. The thing and I switched on and off but I didn’t get to cal the shots. I could only get him/her/it to leave when I concentrated hard enough. But it drained me and I’d fal back asleep again.
People came and went. Time slowed down. My mother came in and sat beside me for awhile. She couldn’t look me in the eyes. I didn’t know if it was because she was ashamed or hurt or because my eyes now belonged to someone else. She said, “This doesn’t get easier,” and patted my arm.
I never got any more out of it. My dad was even briefer. I could see the guilt in his face was eating him alive. I should have been happy about that, but it just made me feel sad.
Maximus offered to spoon feed me dinner. I told him I’d barf on him like Linda Blair in The Excorcist. He didn’t broach the topic of food after that.
But the one person I wanted to see, Ada, had stayed away. I knew she was aching and I knew I must have hurt her terribly when I attacked her. I stil didn’t know exactly what had gone down but I knew it must have been traumatizing to be attacked by your sister, even one as unpredictable as me. Stil , I figured she’d come by and visit.
Tel me something to cheer me up. Talking about fixing me and getting me out of there and how I wouldn’t have to go to a mental institute (because, let’s face it, that’s where I’d be going in the long run). But it would have just been talk anyway. She wouldn’t be able to help me. And that’s why she was staying away. It hurt too much to see me like this.
But it would hurt me less if I could see her.
I sighed and closed my eyes. It was night and stil raining steadily. Cold seeped in through the windows and sat thickly in the air. I had heard my parents talking earlier about how cold it was in the room, that the thermostat must be broken. They were so oblivious, I swear.
“How are you feeling?” Maximus asked.
He was back in the room with me, sitting at the desk and using my computer. He turned in his seat, watching me.
“How do you think I’m feeling?”
“Do you feel like kil ing anyone?”
“Aside from you?”
He got up and came over to me, towering high and mighty, his red coif almost reaching the ceiling.
“Are you scared?” he asked.
I shot him a testy look. “What do you think? I’m tied to my fucking bed.”
“It’s for your own safety. And everyone else’s. If we were to let you loose...”
“Loose? I’m not a fucking animal.”
“Part of you is. You know it.”
I did know it. I knew why I was tied down. I knew, and I was almost grateful because it meant I couldn’t hurt the ones I loved. I knew the minute I was free that’s exactly what the thing would make me do.
“Just get through tonight,” he said soothingly. “Things wil turn around tomorrow.”
“And what wil you do when the men in the white coats take me away? What wil you say then? Wil you stil ask me if I’m scared?” My voice started to tremble. I couldn’t help it.
I felt the thing entering part of my head and squatting, waiting for an opportunity. When I was scared, upset, when waiting for an opportunity. When I was scared, upset, when my guard was down, that’s when it would prey on me. I was starting to predict it. I wanted to warn Maximus, to tel him to step away from me. But part of me wanted to hurt him for hurting me and I didn’t know what part.
“Wherever you end up, Perry, it’l be for the best,” he said, as if he knew. “They’l make you new again. The doctors wil help you. They’l treat you. You’l be given medicine and it’l fix you. Those mental institutions have a bad rap, you know that. But they do more good than harm, especial y for people like you. It may be scary at first, but you’l be fixed. You’l be as good as new.”