I woke up to something licking my face.
I sat up straight, expecting to fight something. But it was just Fat Rabbit, standing on top of my chest and wriggling around. His nails sank into my abdomen and I winced at the pressure.
“Aw, come on,” I groaned and pushed him lightly off of me. He gave me a look and then darted out the door, which had been open a crack.
I looked down at myself in the light that came from the living room. I was back in Dex’s den. I didn’t know where I expected to wake up, but I had a feeling that my dreams had been exceedingly epic. I was covered in sweat again.
I held my hands out in front of me. The back of my left one was swollen and tight, a pale pink shade from the wasp sting. I grimaced at the sight as the memories of last night came flooding into my brain:
The man in the cell. Something about his featureless face was suddenly so familiar. Had I seen him before somewhere? Was he in my dream? I felt like I had dreamt about high school again, so that didn’t make much sense. But when did my dreams ever make sense.
Then there was the Spook Factory, essentially sabotaging us and not letting us out of the basement. Had they gotten everything they wanted? Did they see the footprints, the man in the cell? Did Annie get a cold finger down her spine?
And Miss Anonymous ended up being Jenn. Good ol’ Jennifer Rodriguez. Rebecca was certainly right about her. I wondered if she also knew about the comments. Or maybe it was just Dex. Dex trying to be a loyal boyfriend despite how disloyal he sometimes was. The idea that she had been sitting here in this room and giggling away at the computer as she told me I was fat and worthless…it caused my heart to thump hard in my chest. I was angry again, so very angry.
And finally there was the question. Dex had asked if I loved him. And I lied to save face. Why did he ask that to begin with? Did he suspect? Did he want me to have said yes, and if so, why? Either because he felt the same way or he wanted to have something else to lord over me.
I sighed long and hard, blowing out every last bit of air in an attempt to release the vibrant frustration that was building up inside of me. I was usually one of those people who woke up feeling calm after a hectic night, but suddenly I was just angry all over again. And I knew just who was getting the brunt of it.
I slipped my pajama pants on and padded my way across the room, opening the door and stepping out into the sun-soaked apartment. For once I wished it was raining; it would have suited my mood better.
Dex was sitting at the bar, his back to me, slurping back on a bowl of cereal. He was still in his blue plaid pajama pants but was shirtless. His hair was all ruffled and messy.
I stopped and watched him for a beat, gathering my thoughts. He turned around to look at me and jumped a little on his stool.
“Jesus!” he cried out and leaped off, his spoon clattering loudly into the bowl.
He rushed over to me, looking me up and down in horror, and then picked up my hand to examine the sting on the back of it.
“It’s fine,” I assured him. It wasn’t killing me, at least.
He shook his head and then moved on to my other arm, where another welt had formed just below the elbow. He touched it gently with his finger. I winced. It started to itch again.
He sucked in his lip and then placed both his warm hands on the side of my face. I didn’t like him being so up close first thing in the morning. I probably had sleep in my eyes and my teeth needed a good brushing. I knew I was too tired to do it last night; we had come straight home, got into dry clothes and went to bed.
“Nothing on your face,” he said, still eyeing every crevice of it.
I smiled, tight-lipped and went to move away but he wasn’t done yet. I closed my eyes as one of his hands went to the back of neck and settled on the large sting I had there. That one hurt and itched worst of all and he wasn’t making it any better.
“Oh, Perry, I’m sorry,” he said over a soft breath. Then he let go of me and walked off to the bathroom. I opened my eyes and let out the air I was holding.
“Where’s Jenn?” I asked tentatively.
“Out,” he replied from the bathroom. He returned with a tube of prescription cream, probably hydrocortisone.
He put a bit on his finger. I was distracted by his bare chest. His tattoo, And with madness comes the light. Like hell that was a song lyric. That meant something more than that to him, just as his “mark of a criminal” fleur-de-lis did.
He reached back behind my neck and gently dabbed the cream on, swirling it around in a massaging motion. I felt my eyes closing again at the caress of his fingers.
No. I’m still mad at you, I thought. My eyes flew open and I stepped back. I took the cream from his hands.
“I’m fine, Dex; I can put the cream on myself. I’m not a cripple.” It probably came out a bit ungrateful, so I shot him a weak smile. He looked hurt and confused.
“OK,” he said and nodded. He still stood there. “I’m really sorry.”
I frowned at him and began to rub the cream on my hand. “Sorry for what?”
“Everything.”
Oh, well, I guess that covers it.
“I mean,” he started and pointed at his body. I eyed his arms and chest awkwardly, not wanting to give it too much of my time. “Look at me. I’ve got nothing on me. One sting Perry, and I would have died.”
“I know,” I said softly, keeping my attention on the meticulous way I was applying the cream.
“And you saved my life. You could have died too, allergic or not, if a lot of those wasps had got you…”
“But I didn’t. And neither did you.” I started now on the welt on my other arm. I didn’t want to get into such a serious topic. I was still mad about the Anonymous thing and I didn’t want to be distracted.
“Please, look at me.” He placed two fingers underneath my chin and tilted my head up. I met his eyes and immediately felt exposed.
“What?” I said underneath my breath.
His eyes looked wet and shiny, a layer of sadness and regret over them. I didn’t like to see him that way. I wanted the hard, flippant, uncaring Dex. Looking into these eyes made my nerves crumble.
“I’m sorry about Jenn,” he said. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you she was leaving the comments.”
I tried to look away but he wouldn’t let me. He stuck his face closer to mine in an effort to express himself. The anger I felt throttling through me moments earlier was quickly subsiding, leaving me exhausted. I just wanted to forget about it now.
“I should have told you, I see that now. But I was protecting her and I thought I was protecting you in a weird way. It’s better to think it’s a bunch of sad, anonymous losers instead of the girlfriend of your partner. And I was…embarrassed. I still am. Really fucking embarrassed.”
I raised my brow at him. He took his fingers away from my face and walked back toward the bar top. I watched his hips shake with each step, the way the sides of his back disappeared smoothly into the flannel band of his pants. No love handles there, not like me.
He raised his face to the ceiling, still keeping his back to me.
“I just hoped Jenn wasn’t like that,” he added. “I knew she was a bitch, and that was fine because I’m an ass, but I didn’t know she could be that bad.”
“But she is,” I said. “And you have to live with that.”
He leaned against the bar in silence, then sat back on the stool and resumed eating his cereal, which was probably all mushy by now.
I went over and pulled up the stool next to him, my bare feet cold against the metal rungs at the bottom.
Dex stared down at his bowl and pushed the soggy Fruit Loops around and around, creating a mini whirlpool of milk. “I just don’t know what to do.”
Dump her ass, you moron. That’s what I wanted to say. But I could see Dex was opening up here and tormented by the situation. I kept silent. I wanted to comfort him but at the same time, I wanted him to see the truth of the matter. That their relationship was dead. It had been disintegrating all week, probably long before I got here, and it was on its final legs. There was no point beating around the bush, no point in keeping it going. It was sick, destroyed by the selfishness of both of them, and because I was on the outside, I was the only one in this apartment who could see it.
Perhaps the dog knew, too.
Dex turned his head to the side, his eyes darting at my face sheepishly. “You must think I’m an idiot.”
I smiled despite myself. “I’m an idiot too.”
“No,” he said with a sigh. “You’re not, Perry. You’re sweet, honest and a very good friend.”
Ah, the damn friend word again. The term made a flush bloom on my cheeks and was glad he took that moment to reach over for the box of cereal and pour more into his bowl.
I cleared my throat. “Well. I know what I would do but I’m not you and I can’t tell you what to do. Did you talk to her last night?” She had been asleep when we came in.
“Briefly,” he said shoveling cereal into his mouth. “She said she had been out with some girlfriends and that her phone had died.”
Likely story, I thought.
He eyed me. “Of course, my phone didn’t work either so I can’t exactly accuse her of lying. Not that I think she was. She may be a bitch, but she does care about me and I know she wouldn’t have just left me in a mental hospital basement, especially not alone with you.”
I spied his cup of coffee, picked it up and took a sip of it. It was lukewarm but it worked. “She really thinks something is going on between us, doesn’t she?”
He nodded grimly. “I guess if she’s been stepping out then it’s easy for her to imagine I’m guilty as well.”
I stared at him, dumbly. He was kind of guilty. Unless I imagined the whole tryst we had on the island, and I knew my imagination wasn’t that good.
He caught my eyes and looked away quickly. “Fine. I’m guilty too. Goddamn it, this whole situation is fucked.”
It certainly was.
We both exhaled in unison. We sat there in silence for a bit, both of us side-by-side in our pajamas, he eating mushy cereal and me drinking his coffee, both consumed by our thoughts. I couldn’t pretend that my motives for him dumping Jenn weren’t at least a bit selfish. With her out of the picture, it opened up a whole realm of possibilities. At least, I hoped it did. But even if Jenn weren’t an issue anymore…did he feel the same way I felt about him? I didn’t think so.
“You need to break up with her,” I suddenly blurted out.
He flinched. He placed his spoon down and shot me an inquisitive look. “Yeah?”
“Yeah.”
“I know. But it’s not that easy,” he said carefully. I watched his eyes and understood what he meant. The apartment. The dog. Ending a long-term relationship. No, it definitely wasn’t going to be easy.
“I don’t…like change,” he added, adding weight to his words.
I could help with the transition, I thought. I wanted to put my arm around his bare shoulders and hold him, pull him close to me.
“And then what happens after that?” he continued.
“You’d be single,” I told him. My voice had automatically dropped in volume.
He pushed the bowl away from him and started chewing on his lip. Finally he looked at me and asked, “Would I be?”
That glowing cord of tension between us was suddenly visible and sparking again. My lungs felt heavy and the air around us felt static and alive. The hairs on my arms stood up and the area around my neck bite was pleasantly cool.
I shrugged carefully, wanting to break away from his intrusive eyes but I couldn’t. They held me in place.
“Could you see yourself with someone else?” I asked softly. There was so much ridiculous hope in the question, and I know he could see it on my face.
He turned in his chair by an inch, facing me. He looked tired, with faint bags under his eyes. But they were so feverish and sparkling, so intense and alive, that it lit up his face and made even his five o’ clock shadow look youthful.
“I could,” he said with conviction. “If she’d have me.”
My eyes widened at that. I couldn’t help it.
“But I can’t chance it,” he added quickly. “And I don’t think it would be a very smart choice. It would be too much of a risk and I’ve had too much of that in my life.”
And at that he abruptly got off the stool, taking the bowl of cereal and my half-drank coffee out of my hand, walking around the bar and placing them in the sink. He avoided my eyes.
I sat frozen in shock, my heart thudding loudly.
“I’m going to give Doctor Hasselback a call and see what the damage is,” he said casually, picking his cell phone up off the table. He walked past me and disappeared into his bedroom, shutting the door behind him.
“What the hell?” I said quietly and to no one in particular. Fat Rabbit was sitting on the couch and he looked over. I could almost see him rolling his eyes at me.
He had been talking about me, right? I mean…shit, he was vague but it had to be me. I was a risk? How the hell was I risk? Didn’t he know how I felt?
No, you retard, I thought, cutting myself off. You just told him point blank that you were not in love with him. Now he is taking that as the truth.
Yup. The situation definitely was fucked and now I was partially to blame.