‘And why, may I ask, did you find it so urgent to go and see them this morning that you had to drop everything, leaving the radio on, half the lights, no message, doors unlocked! Can you imagine what we thought when we got home and found the house abandoned?’
Joss bit her lip. ‘Oh, Luke. I am sorry. I was going to leave a note, but then –’ she stopped abruptly. She couldn’t explain to Luke her wildly swinging emotions, her longing, and then the fear and terror she had felt; she couldn’t tell him about the panic as she sat in the little car groping for the ignition. How could she? ‘I forgot. I’m sorry,’ she finished lamely. ‘I really am sorry. I didn’t mean to frighten everyone. Blame it on my sleepless night. I don’t think my brain was functioning very well this morning.’
Throwing the sticky sponge on the table she went to him and put her arms round his neck. ‘Please, don’t be cross. I was hoping you might drive Tom and me up there tomorrow. Then you can meet the Gowers and bring the car back for when you need it. I’ll make it up to Lyn, don’t worry. She needs this job as much as we need her, so I don’t think she’s going to quit just like that.’
‘Don’t you be so sure.’ Disengaging himself from her arms Luke turned away. ‘And don’t forget if, God forbid, your mother does get worse, Joe won’t be able to look after her on his own. He’s going to need help.’
‘Oh, Luke.’ Joss slumped miserably on a chair, confused and guilty that for a moment she had been going to correct him. Adopted mother. Not mother. Never real mother.
He stood looking down at her for a moment, then his face softened. ‘Well, let’s hope that doesn’t happen for ages yet. I’m sure it won’t. Not before the baby comes anyway. And you’re right. Lyn will come round. So, we’d better get ourselves organised. Maybe I can take a couple of hours off tomorrow to take you up there, if it’s what you want. Simon certainly said you should get away for a bit, so perhaps this is a good idea after all.’
Katherine! Sweet Jesus, Katherine, don’t leave me
Neither of them heard the voice from the echoes. In the silence of the kitchen, only Tom looked up. ‘Tin man sad,’ he said conversationally. He picked up his colouring book and then threw it down on the floor.
Luke had taken the chair opposite Joss. ‘You look very tired, old thing,’ he said gently. ‘I’m sorry I snapped. Only Lyn can talk like a cheese grater at times.’
Joss smiled. ‘I know. She’s my sister.’
Adopted sister.
Wearily she got to her feet and went to put the kettle onto the hot plate. When she turned round Luke had scooped the little boy off the floor. ‘Come on, Tom Tom, let’s get Mummy settled in the study, and then we’ll go and work in the garden for a bit so that she can sit and have her cup of tea in peace.’
Joss smiled. Slowly she followed them through into the great hall. Half way across it she stopped. The room was very cold after the sultry heat everywhere else. The stormy bronzed sunlight barely seemed to filter across the grey flagstones. She must put some new flowers on the table, bring in a few more lamps to brighten the room up.
Katherine. Sweet Katherine. I need you
Uncomfortably she looked round. Something was wrong in the room. There was a resonance in the air, a movement, as though someone or something had spoken. She shook her head, aware that the small hairs on the back of her neck were beginning to move.
‘Luke!’
Her voice sounded raw and out of place in the room. In the distance, from behind the study door she could hear Tom’s giggle and then his father’s deep laugh. They were tidying the room, playing, making a game of it, waiting for her. So why could she not move?
‘Luke!’ It was more urgent this time. Louder. But still they did not hear her.
Katherine, I can’t live without you. Don’t leave me …
There were words in her head, hurtling round her brain, but she could not hear them properly. Confused, she turned round, her hands to her face.
‘Luke!’
Katherine
‘Luke, help me.’
She groped for the chair by the empty fireplace and sat down, her head spinning, her breath painful, concentrating on a patch of brilliant sunlight which had appeared on the floor near her. A prism of green and blue and indigo floated over the cool flags and then was gone. She looked up at the window. The sky was leaden again, heavy with purple cloud and the garden appeared to be growing dark.
She took a deep breath. It was easier this time. And another. He – it – had gone.
‘Joss? Are you OK? What are you doing there?’ Luke appeared in the doorway.
She smiled at him. ‘Just a bit tired suddenly. I was watching the sunlight on the floor.’ She levered herself out of the chair. ‘I’m coming.’
‘It’s all ready for you. Come and sit down.’ He was studying her exhausted face. The strain was more than just physical. He could see the fear in her eyes.
‘Joss – ’
‘A cup of tea, Luke. It solves everything. Then tomorrow I’ll go away for a bit, just to rest. That’s all. I’ll come back. Soon.’
She was not talking to him, and they both knew it. Luke glanced round the room. As he put his arm round his wife’s shoulders and led her into the study he swore under his breath.
19