But then there was my dream last night, seeing him in a grave, in the cold hard earth and I screamed again, my mouth open and sobbing, cursing myself for not paying attention. Why didn’t I see this coming? Why did I let Dex come here? Why did I let him out of my sight?
There was no way I could handle this, process this. I screamed, over and over again, sobs that were wrenched out of me, snapping my sanity like torn arteries. He was bleeding, I was bleeding too, from my heart, my poor, poor heart. How was it even still in my chest?
I bawled onto him for what seemed like hours, days. I cried and cried and kept going over everything in my head, everything I could have done differently. Why didn’t I know, why didn’t know just how fucking easily he could be taken from me.
And each time I had to lift my head and look at him, because it just couldn’t be true.
How could this be my life and the end of his?
Maybe this wasn’t even him.
My pulse quickened with what I knew was false hope. I sat up and leaned over him.
“Dex,” I whispered, gently pressing my fingers into his cheek. I lowered my lips to his and spoke against them. They were cold. “Dex, can you hear me? Are you in there somewhere?”
I listened to nothing. I pulled back, tears falling on his chest. I couldn’t look at him like this. He couldn’t die like this.
Wincing, I reached for the sword, wrapping my fingers around the cold steel. It was small, as if for a child. Somehow it was in his throat. It didn’t make any sense, none of this made any sense.
With one fluid motion, I pulled it out, gasping at what I had done. The wound was deep and open and quickly filled with more blood. It rose and spilled over the sides, following the path of the blood before, over his neck and onto the ground.
Another sob escaped my throat. I had half-expected him to wake up, if not just from the pain. But he didn’t stir.
He never would.
I reached over and ran my fingers down over his eyes until they were closed.
Now, at least, he looked at peace.
I prayed he was at peace.
Because one of us should at least be and it wasn’t me.
I felt like a heavy boot was pressing down on my chest and it would never lift again. I would never be whole again.
I collapsed against him, the tears still coming, my breath still weak and ragged, as if it were dying with him.
No. No, no, no, no, no.
This wasn’t the end.
I would never let it be the end.
With what strength I had left, I put my arms underneath his and pulled him up onto me, cradling him in my lap. I let his blood flow over me. I wanted to drown in it, to let it sink into every pour.
I was supposed to marry this man. I was supposed to be the mother of his children. I was supposed to live with him for as long as we could go, a bumpy journey, but one we would do hand in hand.
Till death do us part.
I sobbed and squeezed him to me tight.
Why did it have to part us so soon?
***
“Perry?”
I woke up slowly, my body protesting consciousness. For one brilliant, beautiful moment I thought I was in Seattle, in our bedroom. I thought my life hadn’t changed at all.
But when I opened my eyes and only saw flickering candle light, I knew. When I felt the sticky, congealed blood in my hands, I knew. When I moved slightly and felt the deadweight of Dex’s body on top of mine, I knew. My life had changed forever. There was no going back.
I lost the love of my life.
It was like losing life itself.
I sucked in a breath and looked to the corner of the room where the voice had come from. Standing at the foot of the stairs was Maximus, staring down at me in restrained horror.
“What happened?” he whispered, his voice cracking and barely audible.
I wanted to cry again but it seemed like I had no tears left. I just felt this resolute emptiness, this hollowness where my heart should have been, where he should have been.
The loss threatened to take over again, to drown me, but Maximus crossed the room and was crouching beside me, a hand on my shoulder, looking between Dex and me and trying to make sense of the situation. Good luck with that.
“Perry?” he said again, his brow furrowing as if he was going to cry too. “Please, what happened? Tell me what happened.”
“Where were you?” I whispered weakly.
He shook his head, rubbing a hand over his face. “I don’t know. I…I went after Dex upstairs. He went into the bathroom and shut the door behind him. I knocked on the door, waited. After, I don’t know, a minute, water started to come out from under the door. I knocked the door down but he wasn’t in there. Then I heard him say my name, from behind me. I went down the hall and saw him standing in the room at the end. I went in after him. That door closed. It was dark. I thought I was in there for a minute, maybe two. I kept at the door but it wouldn’t open. That’s when I heard you, heard you screaming in my head. Then finally it opened by itself and I came out.” He paused and closed his eyes. “I followed the blood. It brought me here.”
I was too numb to even be shocked by the time skips. Time didn’t really seem to exist in this house anyway. This house didn’t even seem to exist.
“The same for me,” I said blankly. Actually, I was leaving a lot out. But what was the point in saying anything? What was the point of anything anymore? Dex was gone and I was left behind to carry on.
Death was torture for those who had to be left behind. I could only hope that Dex wasn’t suffering like I was.
“Who did this?” he asked.
I attempted a shrug and failed. Dex was too heavy but his weight felt real, reminding me that he had been real this whole time and not some beautiful dream.
“Michael, I guess,” I said.
“No,” Maximus said. I looked at him in faint surprise. “It wasn’t him.”
“Who then?”
“It was Dex,” he said. “Dex did this to himself.”
My heart clenched. “Why?” I said breathlessly. “Why would he do this?”
“To escape,” Maximus said, settling down on the ground, sitting splaylegged. His eyes never left Dex’s body. “To save us.”
“How?”
He swallowed hard. “If Michael happened to be in his body, and Dex killed himself, the spirit or the demon or whatever is in him, would have died too.”
“And if he wasn’t in him?”
“He knew he would just be taken over again.” Suddenly Maximus let out a roar, pure agony that shattered the room. He buried his face in his hands and I was struck, feeling it deep, by how much he cared for him. But of course he did. He had originally been sent to be his guide, to watch over him. And now Dex was dead. He had failed. I had failed.
When he recovered, he looked up at me and said, “Whatever Dex did, it was to save you. Save me, save everyone. But above all, it was to save you.”
“I didn’t ask for that,” I whispered.
“No, you didn’t. But that’s Dex. That man loves you so much. Sometimes it doesn’t even seem possible. He gave up his life for you and, if he could, he would probably do it again.” He sighed. “But you already know that, don’t you? You love him the same way.”